ISIS Guilty of Mustard Attack!

ISIS still uses mustard!

ISIS still uses mustard!

Top U.S. generals have confirmed that ISIS, or ISIL, or “those advocates of the Religion of Peace.” have launched a mustard attack on our troops in Iraq.

Nothing is more horrible than mustard in war” said General Joseph Dunford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Unless it’s some of the stuff that passes for crackers. Or perhaps what our contractors send us and call “pickles” but are really whale penises. Don’t ask me where they get the whale penises. Detroit I think. But anyway what was I saying? Oh yes. The Mustard attack. We take this provocation very seriously. If ISIS weren’t Muslim we might think that they were trying to harm our troops.

According to those who were on the ground the attack happened after ISIS front-line units spotted U.S. soldiers eating hot dogs with spicy brown mustard.

An affront against Allah!

An affront against Allah!

“Allah prohibits spicy brown mustard. That’s why he allows rape. As a consolation” said  Dunford.

When they saw the spicy, brown mustard they became enraged and directed that anger at our troops by firing yellow mustard at them. Several soldiers were injured including one who got some mustard in his eye. God that stuff stings.

As to how future attacks will be prevented, Dunford states that a strongly-worded memo has been sent to troops in Iraq cautioning them against “provocative acts” that might be interpreted as hate crimes.

We have already arrested the soldiers that were using the spicy brown mustard. They will be court-martialed. It is hoped that by showing ISIS that we take their values seriously they will stop attacking us. The United States is a friend to Islam. Islam and the United States go back almost to the beginning of our country. Our Declaration of Independence is based on many of the beautiful principles of Sharia law. Except for the ass raping of course

Order no. 775C, dubbed “mustard yellow” by troops has asked all troops to use only yellow mustard on their hot dogs so as not to antagonize the enemy.

While compliance is not as high as officers had hoped there are reports of a decrease in mustard attacks along the line.

“Now that we’ve stop antagonizing them (ISIS)” said Dunford, “we can bet back to doing what the military does best. Showing our appreciation for the Prophet.”

However the truce remains uneasy across the front line.

“We are crossing our fingers and hoping none of our troops uses Grey Poupon” 

You wouldn't happen to have any grey poupon?

You wouldn’t happen to have any grey poupon?

said a colonel. “If that happens then all bets are off. We might actually have a war on our hands.”

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest has announced that President Obama intends to travel to Iraq before leaving office in January.

“The President does not want his legacy tainted by Grey Poupon. He is a yellow man with a yellow temperament and yellow values.”


2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    “almost to the beginning of our country”?

    Really? THE beginning of our country.

    I’m surprised you’d make that kind of mistake.

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