St. Michael the Archangel Slays Dragon; Animal Rights Activists Threaten Lawsuit



St. Michael the Archangel is facing heat after slaying a dragon.

Sources report that a battle of some sort broke out in Heaven and that the Archangel Michael, together with a cohort attacked and slew the dragon, which is protected under Heaven’s “Endangered Species Act.

As soon as it was confirmed that the dragon had been slayed, authorities from Heaven’s Fish and Wildlife Service fined Michael the Archangel an undisclosed amount.

We take the status of our endangered species very seriously” said a spokesman.

This slaying of the dragon cannot go unpunished. Heaven is all about diversity. Diversity in saints. Diversity in angels. Diversity in beasts. For one of Heaven’s elite to slay a dragon like this sets a bad example. Heaven is based on the rule of law. I know many say the elite are exempt but we shall prove them wrong.

Adding to Michael’s problems are multiple lawsuits against him that have been filed by various animal rights’ groups in Heaven.

The Saints for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (SETA) has called Michael’s slaying of the dragon “the most shameful thing that has happened to Heaven since we let John Ritter in.”

Dragons are magnificent animals. Beautiful and majestic. If we start slaying dragons where does this lead? Do we start slaying Lutherans next? Methodists? Those who believe that Van Halen was better with Sammy Hagar? We are suing Michael because we are outraged. Outraged by his privileged used of violence. We have created a hashtag, #dragonlivesmatter as a way of expressing our feelings in this matter.

So strong are the protests that God himself has had to weigh in on the controversy.

“Yes Michael works for me” said God.

But I’m no micromanager. I never gave him any orders to slay a protected species. Look I’m not a fan of the Endangered Species Act but it is what it is. All I said to Michael was “slay the beast.” I could have been talking about John Ritter. I said nothing about a dragon. I’ll have a talk with him. I’ll probably bust him from Archangel down to Angel. Those stripes are important to him. He might learn some humility. We all have bullseyes on our backs here in Heaven and we don’t need any cowboys going rogue.

As for the Archangel Michael himself, he remains defiant.

“What the hell man. I was doing us all favor” he told friends.

People take things too literally. The dragon wasn’t just a dragon. It was a fight against evil. The dragon had seven heads and they represented the seven deadly sins. You remember sins, right? Some of us still believe in sin. I mean come on people. Give me a break. I didn’t work my way up to Archangel just to have people bitch at me about some damn wildlife.

With that Michael shook his head in disgust.

“Screw this. If anyone needs me I’ll be at Fitzgeralds having a pint. Does Conor still work there? No? What the hell? No one tells me anything.”


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