Masturbating is strictly prohibited

Already suffering from the fallout of the Colin Kaepernick kneeling during the national anthem, the NFL was struck another blow as a security guard was caught on film masturbating just feet away from cheerleaders during last Sunday’s game in San Diego.

The guard in question has fired the guard and the company that hired him stated that the ex-employee was thoroughly vetted.

“He was shown our training video” said the president of the security firm.

And in the video it plainly says that masturbating while on duty is prohibited. That’s our policy. No masturbating and no smoking. We’re serious about this. Any of our guards that are caught masturbating are fired immediately. If they smoke they are fired immediately. If they smoke while masturbating they are fired, rehired and then fired again. I don’t understand it. We showed him pictures. We gave him old Playboys. We told him to look at them and then asked him if he felt like masturbating. He said no. We asked him again and he said no again. We certified him masturbation free.

As word of the masturbating incident spread, many in the NFL reacted with horror and disgust. As a service to my readers I have compiled just a few of these outraged quotes from outraged NFL people.

This is just wrong. If someone is going to  masturbate feet away from me it had better be a player making 19 million a year!  ~ Outraged NFL cheerleader

This makes me so angry. I feel like killing someone. Again ~ Former NFL player Ray Lewis

Some things should not be done. It’s disrespectful. Now if you excuse me I have to punch my wife in an elevator ~ Ray Rice

Lucky dude. At least he got to masturbate in front of women. I masturbate a lot in prison. Not many ladies here. Not biological anyway  ~ Aaron Hernandez

Masturbating in public?  That makes me angry enough to kill my ex-girlfriend’s dog! ~ Prince Shembo

I don’t masturbate in public. I’m too busy hitting pizza delivery people in the head ~ D’Qwell Jackson

As you can see, the masturbating security guard has violated the strict code of conduct of the NFL.

And in case you think I’m making this up, here is a link to the offending security guard’s actions.

http://nypost.com/2016/12/20/nfl-security-guard-fired-after-masturbating-during-game/

I for one am proud to state that I have never masturbated while writing a post for Manhattan Infidel.

Except for the good ones.

(46)

Do you know the damage a giant dog’s giant balls can do?

Clifford, a big red dog who lives with his owner, eight-year old Emily Elizabeth, has bee busy showing his balls off to the entire neighborhood. And the neighborhood is getting tired of it.

“I’m  a tolerant fellow” said one resident.

But this big red dog has got to go. I mean he struts all over the neighborhood with his giant balls swinging back and forth! I have children you know! How would you feel if every time you took your daughter for a walk she pointed out Clifford and said, “Daddy are your balls as big as Clifford’s? When I grow up I want to marry a man with balls like that!”  Then she ran over to Clifford and wedged herself in between his balls. She was laughing and having a good time. Christ a fellow needs therapy after that.

Another neighbor complained about Clifford’s boundary issues.

It was a Saturday morning  and like every Saturday I started it out by making love to my wife. We’re respectable people you know. Well anyway I was making love to her and she starts moaning “Oh my god!” I thought maybe I was hurting her because I’m large you know. But she starts pointing at the window. I turn around and see Clifford’s balls plastered against the window. Apparently he was was up on his hind legs trying to drink from the rain gutter along the roof. My wife seemed transfixed. She walked over to the window and put her hand out, like she was going to caress Clifford’s balls. Fortunately it was summer and the windows were shut. I said to her, “Honey, what’s the matter?  Aren’t my balls good enough for you?”  I was joking you see. But she just shook her head no. We haven’t been intimate since. Saturday mornings really suck now.

Often Clifford would stop in the street to lick his balls, stopping traffic and causing a commotion.

“I lost my job because of that damn dog” complains one man.

I was 45 minutes late to work on my first day because of Clifford. He had plopped himself down in the middle of the road and he was licking himself. My boss told me that being late the first day did not make a good impression. When I told him that it wasn’t my fault and that I was watching a dog lick his balls he fired me on the spot. “There is no room for sexual perverts in Ad Sales” he told me. Now I have no job and may lose my house.

The president of the neighborhood tenants’ association has asked Clifford’s owner to have him fixed.

I mean come on! Have some decency!  No one wants to see balls that huge. Unless of course it’s at a World Wrestling Federation match. I just hope Clifford’s not on steroids. The last thing this place needs is roid rage from a giant dog.

Emily Elizabeth has stated that she will not have Clifford fixed as it is “animal cruelty.”  As a compromise however she will have Clifford wear a diaper.

“My daddy said he’ll put the diaper on Clifford. He also said he hasn’t touched balls that large since he was in the Navy.”

(133)

My life matters!

Tensions are high in the North Pole after protesters from Bumble Lives Matter blocked streets and prevented Santa from making a test run with his reindeer.

“We are tired of these white elves oppressing us and taking our teeth” said a member of the activist group.

This Hermie or Herby or whatever his name is attacked one of us last night and took his tooth out. We want to know what Santa is going to do about this? Is Hermie or Herby or whatever the hell his name is going to be arrested ? No. Of course not. Our lives do not matter to Santa. Well no more! We are rising up. We are strong. We are invincible. We are Bumble!

Santa for his part maintains that an “honest and thorough” investigation of Hermie or Herby or whatever his name is and the Bumble tooth-extraction incident is underway.

“If it’s one thing I pride myself on it’s my lack of prejudice. That and flying around the globe without being shot down” said Santa.

The North Pole is a judgement-free zone. All races are welcome here Bumbles are no exception. If Hermie or Herby or whatever his name is did extract a Bumble’s tooth without his permission why yes I’d want to know about it. Because that type of behavior is frowned upon in the North Pole. That’s why we had to expel the Irish. They kept opening bars. And bars lead to elves vomiting on sidewalks or extracting teeth.

The Elves Local no. 37, however,  is objecting to any investigation.

“We at the Elf Brotherhood categorically deny that one of our own would do this” said the union spokesman.

Our Elven brothers work hard for their money. They are good people who just want to make toys for gentile boys and girls throughout the world. We are the heroes here and the local will not stand by watching the elven name be defamed by some radical Bumbles. Whatever happened to all elves are innocent until proven guilty. Hermie or Herby or whatever his name has had his name and reputation, and by extension the reputation of all elves, dragged through the mud. We demand that Santa reject these baseless claims.

However sympathetic Santa may be to his elven workers, political reality may force him to side with the Bumbles.

I run a business. And as a business owner the last thing I need is controversy or boycotts.  The Bumbles are threatening to start one and I depend on the Bumbles to keep the Irish out. If they turn against me the North Pole will be overridden with the Irish. And if that happens property values will go down. So, yeah, it breaks my heart but I’m going to have to turn Hermie, or Herby, or whatever the hell his name is in. Besides, what kind of elf wants to be a dentist?

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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An arrest warrant has been issued for Hermie or Herby the elf (pictured here).

The elf freak in question

He is considered “Armed, dangerous and in possession of those unspeakable instruments of torture – dental instruments.”

 “We ask all citizens that if they see something they should say something” said the North Pole’s sheriff.

(70)

So unimpressed

First Officer Lt. Commander Spock of the Starship Enterprise is letting it be know that he is unimpressed with the gift of a mood ring, given to him by his captain and friend James T. Kirk.

“Vulcans have no emotion” Spock confessed.

For my captain to give me a mood ring is highly illogical. I’ve been wearing this for a week now and the only color it shows is black. Except once when it became red. I thought I was entering the Ponn Farr. Turns out it was a false alarm. Nurse Chapel had given me some horny goat weed. Nurse Chapel is highly emotional. She’s always trying to touch me. I must speak to HR about her.

Spock then went on to relate some of the other questionable gifts given to him by his captain.

One time he bought me a Japanese sex robot. Actually I don’t know if he bought it or just gave me one of his spares. But he gives it to me and says “Go on Spock. Go wild!” Humans are always mating! Outworlders will never know the beauty of the Ponn Farr. We reserve out mating to once every seven years. Sure it strips us of our logic. It certainly stripped me of my logic. Granted not as much as saurian brandy. Now that did strip me of my logic. I woke up in nurse Chapel’s quarters. In her bed. It was awkward between us for awhile after that. Chill woman. I was drunk. These things happen.

But perhaps the worst gift Spock received from Kirk was a pet rock.

At first I thought it was a great gift. I identify with rocks. They are a lot like me. Unemotional and logical. So I said “Finally Kirk gets me. This is a perfect gift.”  Unfortunately it turns out the rock was a Horta. It burrowed through the walls and killed 30 of the ship’s complement. That took some fence-mending with Star Fleet. We sent them Uhuru to “smooth things over.” And boy did she. Nurse Chapel went as well. I think she was trying to make me jealous.

Spock only wishes that Kirk would pay more attention to him and get to know him and his needs.

All these gifts I don’t want. Is he toying with me? If he really cared about me he would know that I am unemotional. I do not need gifts. Except for companionship and saurian brandy. People back on Vulcan tell me that I’m not truly Vulcan. That my need for companionship and love is based on emotion. Maybe they’re right. Maybe having a human mother has contaminated me. So what? You know screw them. I like being emotional. You know what I’m going to do right now? I’m taking a bottle of suarian brandy to nurse Chapel’s quarters and apologize to her for being so distant. I think we can have something together. Something beautiful.

Spock then grabbed a few bottles of brandy and headed down to Chapel’s quarters.

“If the quarter’s a rocking don’t come a knocking” he said as he smiled.

(20)

The island’s citizens overwhelmingly support independence

King Moonracer, leader of the island of Misfit toys, has announced that he is abrogating the Treaty of 1992, which granted dominion status to the island and will instead seek independence.

“It is time we took our place in the world as a free and independent nation” said Moonracer.

The wounds of our war of independence and the resulting civil war of 25 years ago have healed. While we were not able to achieve independence and had to settle for being a self-governing dominion in the North Pole’s orbit the people of this island have always desired independence. I therefore plan to travel to the North Pole to begin peaceful negotiations with Santa. We hope for peace but are prepared for war. We are battle-tested and resolute and will fight if need be. Except for the polka-dotted elephant. I think he’s a spy.

The much-hated treaty of 1992 gave the Island of Misfit Toys limited self-rule in the North Pole’s empire. Under the terms of the treaty a governor-general, appointed by Santa, would represent the North Pole in the island’s congress.  All votes would have to be signed by the governor or would not become law.

In some of the treaty’s most hated clauses troops from the North Pole would be stationed on the island, two of its ports would remain under North Pole control and those chosen to the island’s assembly would have to swear an oath of allegiance to Santa.

After fighting a brutal guerrilla war that prostrated the island and saw its most charismatic leader, the cowboy that rode an ostrich (pictured here)

Who knows how history would have been different if he lived!

assassinated by North Pole troops, plenipotentiaries tasked with negotiating a treaty could only come up with dominion status.

“That was then. This is now” Moonracer declared.

I am confident that now we can negotiate from a position of strength. I shall call upon the better angels of Santa’s nature to give us independence. If he refuses I’ll remind him that the world is watching and that the incoming United States administration is sympathetic to our cause. If he still refuses we shall act unilaterally and declare independence. And what happens next will be on Santa’s head. Shame if his troops would all be slaughtered by the righteous anger of the Island of Misfit Toys Republican Army. Shame if the polka-dotted elephant would fall victim to an accident. Not that I’m implying he’s a spy. Okay, I am.

For his part Santa, for various reasons, appears prepared to grant the island’s wish for independence.

“The Island of Misfit Toys is small potatoes” Santa was quoted as saying.

I  have my own problems. Our currency is  devalued, Rudolph and the elves are threatening a rebellion and I have Russia threatening to attack me. If the island wants independence well screw them. I’m tempted to grant independence. Let’s see  how long they last without the military or financial might of the North Pole. All I care about at this point is getting the polka-dotted elephant off the island safely. He’s very valuable to me.

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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The polka-dotted elephant from the Island of Misfit Toys has been assassinated.

“This is what happens to spies” said King Moonracer.

(40)

I am big and beautiful!

Jabba the Hutt, powerful crime lord on Tatooine, has decided to put an end to body shaming.

“For far too long people like I have been ridiculed by thin people” said the cartel leader.

Well dammit. No more. I’m sick of it. I may be a ruthless, feared crime lord but I have feelings too. It’s bullying pure and simple. It led to psychological stunting. I and people of my girth are going to fight back. Whose to say what a normal body type is?

Hutt has formed an association of “Wide-girthed” that is open to anyone who has been shamed by others because of their body type.

It’s a support group. We meet every Wednesday. We tell stories. We commiserate on the struggle, which is real. We laugh. We cry. We hold hands. We sing spirituals. Sometimes we even trot out Princess Leia in her metal bikini and we all take turns telling her how we want to rub our fat, oily bodies against her. 

Thin people only!

It’s fun watching her squirm, the thin kale eater. The meetings are the highlight of my week. Such bonding!

Jabba also plans on petitioning the Imperial Senate to ban bullying.

I think it should be illegal. And making it illegal will help me feel better about myself and undo some of the emotional damage caused by years of bullying and body shaming. We are asking for strict penalties against bullying. We also want designated safe spaces in every populated area throughout the empire where those who feel unsafe or threatened by unpleasantness can go, no questions asked, and listen to mellow music or play with dolls. Is that too much to ask?

While his proposed legislation is not without opponents, Jabba points out that it would be cheaper and far less violent than the current reality of bullied people taking vengeance into their own hands.

What would the Empire rather have? Short-term start up costs of creating safe spaces or violence and illegal activity. Look at me? I’m not innocent in this.  I’ve had Hans Solo encased in carbonite because he angered me.

This is what happens to bullies and body shamers!

Sure, I said it was because he owed me money but that was just to save face with my crime family. The truth of the matter is he called me fat. Many times. In front of my employees. I pretended I didn’t hear him but inside I was crying. So yeah, he’s encased and he’s not coming out anytime soon. Is that what the Empire wants? So build the safe spaces.

The Imperial Senate has yet to respond to Jabba the Hutt’s requests.

Meanwhile Princess Leia remains defiant and insists she has nothing to apologize for.

Fat people will never have this. Yeah, I’m talking to you Jabba!

“This body isn’t for everyone. Only my brother Luke and Hans. They are hot. And thin. Jabba ain’t getting this no how no way.”

(54)