NFL Shaken to Core by Morally Questionable Activity!

Masturbating is strictly prohibited

Masturbating is strictly prohibited

Already suffering from the fallout of the Colin Kaepernick kneeling during the national anthem, the NFL was struck another blow as a security guard was caught on film masturbating just feet away from cheerleaders during last Sunday’s game in San Diego.

The guard in question has fired the guard and the company that hired him stated that the ex-employee was thoroughly vetted.

“He was shown our training video” said the president of the security firm.

And in the video it plainly says that masturbating while on duty is prohibited. That’s our policy. No masturbating and no smoking. We’re serious about this. Any of our guards that are caught masturbating are fired immediately. If they smoke they are fired immediately. If they smoke while masturbating they are fired, rehired and then fired again. I don’t understand it. We showed him pictures. We gave him old Playboys. We told him to look at them and then asked him if he felt like masturbating. He said no. We asked him again and he said no again. We certified him masturbation free.

As word of the masturbating incident spread, many in the NFL reacted with horror and disgust. As a service to my readers I have compiled just a few of these outraged quotes from outraged NFL people.

This is just wrong. If someone is going to  masturbate feet away from me it had better be a player making 19 million a year!  ~ Outraged NFL cheerleader

This makes me so angry. I feel like killing someone. Again ~ Former NFL player Ray Lewis

Some things should not be done. It’s disrespectful. Now if you excuse me I have to punch my wife in an elevator ~ Ray Rice

Lucky dude. At least he got to masturbate in front of women. I masturbate a lot in prison. Not many ladies here. Not biological anyway  ~ Aaron Hernandez

Masturbating in public?  That makes me angry enough to kill my ex-girlfriend’s dog! ~ Prince Shembo

I don’t masturbate in public. I’m too busy hitting pizza delivery people in the head ~ D’Qwell Jackson

As you can see, the masturbating security guard has violated the strict code of conduct of the NFL.

And in case you think I’m making this up, here is a link to the offending security guard’s actions.

I for one am proud to state that I have never masturbated while writing a post for Manhattan Infidel.

Except for the good ones.


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