I am big and beautiful!

Jabba the Hutt, powerful crime lord on Tatooine, has decided to put an end to body shaming.

“For far too long people like I have been ridiculed by thin people” said the cartel leader.

Well dammit. No more. I’m sick of it. I may be a ruthless, feared crime lord but I have feelings too. It’s bullying pure and simple. It led to psychological stunting. I and people of my girth are going to fight back. Whose to say what a normal body type is?

Hutt has formed an association of “Wide-girthed” that is open to anyone who has been shamed by others because of their body type.

It’s a support group. We meet every Wednesday. We tell stories. We commiserate on the struggle, which is real. We laugh. We cry. We hold hands. We sing spirituals. Sometimes we even trot out Princess Leia in her metal bikini and we all take turns telling her how we want to rub our fat, oily bodies against her. 

Thin people only!

It’s fun watching her squirm, the thin kale eater. The meetings are the highlight of my week. Such bonding!

Jabba also plans on petitioning the Imperial Senate to ban bullying.

I think it should be illegal. And making it illegal will help me feel better about myself and undo some of the emotional damage caused by years of bullying and body shaming. We are asking for strict penalties against bullying. We also want designated safe spaces in every populated area throughout the empire where those who feel unsafe or threatened by unpleasantness can go, no questions asked, and listen to mellow music or play with dolls. Is that too much to ask?

While his proposed legislation is not without opponents, Jabba points out that it would be cheaper and far less violent than the current reality of bullied people taking vengeance into their own hands.

What would the Empire rather have? Short-term start up costs of creating safe spaces or violence and illegal activity. Look at me? I’m not innocent in this.  I’ve had Hans Solo encased in carbonite because he angered me.

This is what happens to bullies and body shamers!

Sure, I said it was because he owed me money but that was just to save face with my crime family. The truth of the matter is he called me fat. Many times. In front of my employees. I pretended I didn’t hear him but inside I was crying. So yeah, he’s encased and he’s not coming out anytime soon. Is that what the Empire wants? So build the safe spaces.

The Imperial Senate has yet to respond to Jabba the Hutt’s requests.

Meanwhile Princess Leia remains defiant and insists she has nothing to apologize for.

Fat people will never have this. Yeah, I’m talking to you Jabba!

“This body isn’t for everyone. Only my brother Luke and Hans. They are hot. And thin. Jabba ain’t getting this no how no way.”

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