Hey Ho! 15 dollars is the way to go!

Santa’s workforce of elves walked off the job today, threatening the timely delivery of millions of toys around the globe.

“We want a livable wage” said a leader of the walkout.

For too long we have had to suffer at the hands of Santa and his wage deprivation. We have families to support. Nine dollars an hour just won’t cut it. We demand social justice and income redistribution!  Fifteen dollars an hour is our demand. Santa had better agree to that or we will seek employment elsewhere. Most of us are fully qualified to be reindeer-semen extractors. That’s a specialized field that pays very well. You just have to get used to having your arm up an reindeer’s ass all day. Kind of like Santa has his arm up our asses with his 9 dollars an hour salary. Cheap fat bastard!

As protesting elves chanted “Hey ho 15 dollars an hour is the way to go!” Santa prepared contingency plans in case the walk off is prolonged.

“I’ve already hired elf-replacement workers” Santa told the North Pole newspaper.

I’m paying these guys seven dollars an hour. And they are happy to have jobs. That’s a lesson the elves might want to pay attention to. I’d like to pay my elves more, I would. But if they want to make 15 dollars an hour then take some classes for god’s sake and improve yourselves.  Being Santa’s helper isn’t supposed to be a career. It’s an entry level position. You work here a few years and move on to bigger and better things. Some of our former elves are quite famous now. Some are in Hollywood. After having surgery to make themselves taller of course. Look what I’m saying is I run a business. I have to keep costs down. And if these motherf*cking elves threaten me then they are all out work. I’ll automate!

Indeed it appears that Santa is already far ahead in his plan to automate his North Pole factory.

Quality control agents from Automated, Inc., have begun arriving at the North Pole to set up toy-making machines.

“These instruments will be able to assemble twice as many toys per hour as an elf and they won’t need breaks for lunch” said a salesman for he company.

This is just the first factory in many that we hope to automate over the years. We chose Santa because he is high-profile and success here will mean success everywhere. Our automated machines mean faster work, less drama and less belly-aching from ungrateful employees. Machines do not ask for raises. Machines do not sexually harass fellow machines. The startup costs for going automated are high. But it is a one time cost that more than pays itself off over time.

Santa concurs.

I should have done this years ago. Elves are a pain in the ass anyway. Always getting into fights or wanting to be dentists. Who  needs the tiny shits anyway. From now on it’s machines all the way. I’m even connecting the machines to the same mainframe that I’m calling “Skynet.”  I don’t foresee any problems in the future.

As for Santa’s striking elves, they appear dejected.

“I can’t believe I’m going to have to stick my arm up a reindeer’s ass. I’ll never get that smell off.”

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