So unimpressed

First Officer Lt. Commander Spock of the Starship Enterprise is letting it be know that he is unimpressed with the gift of a mood ring, given to him by his captain and friend James T. Kirk.

“Vulcans have no emotion” Spock confessed.

For my captain to give me a mood ring is highly illogical. I’ve been wearing this for a week now and the only color it shows is black. Except once when it became red. I thought I was entering the Ponn Farr. Turns out it was a false alarm. Nurse Chapel had given me some horny goat weed. Nurse Chapel is highly emotional. She’s always trying to touch me. I must speak to HR about her.

Spock then went on to relate some of the other questionable gifts given to him by his captain.

One time he bought me a Japanese sex robot. Actually I don’t know if he bought it or just gave me one of his spares. But he gives it to me and says “Go on Spock. Go wild!” Humans are always mating! Outworlders will never know the beauty of the Ponn Farr. We reserve out mating to once every seven years. Sure it strips us of our logic. It certainly stripped me of my logic. Granted not as much as saurian brandy. Now that did strip me of my logic. I woke up in nurse Chapel’s quarters. In her bed. It was awkward between us for awhile after that. Chill woman. I was drunk. These things happen.

But perhaps the worst gift Spock received from Kirk was a pet rock.

At first I thought it was a great gift. I identify with rocks. They are a lot like me. Unemotional and logical. So I said “Finally Kirk gets me. This is a perfect gift.”  Unfortunately it turns out the rock was a Horta. It burrowed through the walls and killed 30 of the ship’s complement. That took some fence-mending with Star Fleet. We sent them Uhuru to “smooth things over.” And boy did she. Nurse Chapel went as well. I think she was trying to make me jealous.

Spock only wishes that Kirk would pay more attention to him and get to know him and his needs.

All these gifts I don’t want. Is he toying with me? If he really cared about me he would know that I am unemotional. I do not need gifts. Except for companionship and saurian brandy. People back on Vulcan tell me that I’m not truly Vulcan. That my need for companionship and love is based on emotion. Maybe they’re right. Maybe having a human mother has contaminated me. So what? You know screw them. I like being emotional. You know what I’m going to do right now? I’m taking a bottle of suarian brandy to nurse Chapel’s quarters and apologize to her for being so distant. I think we can have something together. Something beautiful.

Spock then grabbed a few bottles of brandy and headed down to Chapel’s quarters.

“If the quarter’s a rocking don’t come a knocking” he said as he smiled.

(18)