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From the Office of Neptune, God of the Sea. 

Monday March 2nd

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Traditional male Jim Boeheim

In an attempt to modernize their athletic department and reach out to opponents, Syracuse University announced that from now on its team name will be the Syracuse Mellow Hues.

“We think this is a positive development and way past due” says Professor of Feminist Studies Sara Marsh.  “For too long the male dominated field of men’s athletics has been consumed by bourgeois notions of victory.”

During tonight’s game Syracuse took the court wearing their new uniforms of sky blue, royal blue, brown, teal and some color that was identified as “peaceful burgundy” in the game program.

The sold out crowd seemed to appreciately the new philosophy and broke into chants of “Up with people” and “Make love not basketball.”

According to Professor Marsh “If we want to rehabilitate America’s image with the rest of the world we can start by eliminating competitiveness at home.  We can show people we value peace and harmony.  This is an exciting chance for abstract principles of hope and change to meet in the concrete arena of college sports.”

Indeed the game was stopped several times as Syracuse players hugged their opponents, some saying “I love you“, others “let’s not fight anymore”.

The only holdout was Coach Jim Boeheim who did not seem to appreciate the new philosophy and could be heard screaming at his players “What is this crap?  I’m trying to win a game.  Block the shot for Christ’s sake!  How about some god damn defense?”

Boeheim’s traditional male attitude did not sit well with fans, who focused their thoughts on the coach, turned him into a jack in the box and wished him into the cornfield.

After the game Associate Head Coach Bernie Fine addressed the media.  “While we will miss Boeheim we believe it was time for a new generational construct.”

“Sure we lost 97 – 2” said Forward Mookie Jones.  “I don’t care if this jeopardizes an NCAA berth.  Right now I just want to make the world a better place.”

A statement on Syracuse’s official athletic site said “We came to the game in a spirit of peace. We look forward to dialoging in the future with our opponents and gaining an understanding of their wants and values.”

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Check my urine! I’m clean!

Recent evidence brought to light suggests that Abraham Lincoln was addicted to steroids and other performance enhancing drugs.

“Think about it” says Professor of history Robert Klein, author of the new book, “Behind the Shadows:  Lincoln and the Steroid Cheats of the Civil War”.  “This was a one-term congressman from some backwater district in rural Illinois and suddenly he was writing the Gettysburg Address.”

By searching through diaries and looking at pictures of  Lincoln, Klein has been able to construct a timeline.

“In 1858 while he was debating Stephen A. Douglas Lincoln wrote to his law parter:  ‘Douglas is a formidable opponent.  I need an edge.’ ”  Soon after pills were shipped to him on the campaign trail.  Lincoln claimed these pills were for “indigestion” but he was seen bench pressing almost 200 pounds.

After winning the Presidential Election in 1860 Lincoln grew a beard, he said, at the suggestion of a young girl who had written to him.  No evidence of this letter exists.  But there is a letter from his first Secretary of War Simon Cameron to his wife which reads, “Went to the Executive Mansion today.  Old Abe thinks he’s fooling everbody but I know he hides his pills in his beard.  I think he should take a urine test…..wait those tests won’t exist for another 100 years…….oh god…..white light…..aliens….don’t probe me again!”   Soon after this letter was written, Cameron was fired. Lincoln claimed it was because he was corrupt but most people now think it was because Cameron knew of Lincoln’s steroid use.

After the battle of Antietam Lincoln visited McClellan.  McClellan noted that “The President has changed.  I can’t put my finger on it but he’s 3 inches taller, his hat and shoe size are larger and he’s very irritable.  Today he bit the head off  of one of my staff.  Literally.  War is Hell I guess.  Oh god…white light…aliens.”

After the election of 1864 Secretary of the Navy Gideon Welles wrote, “Visited old Abe today.  He’s very buff and can bench press almost 300 pounds.  He claims it is just his workout regimen but I have my doubts…….I keep being followed by a yellow submarine and some guy with an english accent who says he is ‘old fred’.  He wants me to save Pepperland.  Very strange.  Still….could be worse.  At least I’m not being probed by aliens.”

Shortly before his assassination, Lincoln received a letter from John Wilkes Boothe:  “I have given you  pills for years and want payment.  If I am not paid there will be a day of reckoning – J.W.B.  

Years later Mary Lincoln told a friend, “If it weren’t for those damn pills my husband would be alive today.”

While his work is controversial, Professor Klein defends himself and intends to follow up his book with another about James Knox Polk that will  reveal  he was “a cross dressing transsexual with Presbyterian tendencies.”

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Kill it!

In a stunning move today New York City Mayor and Lord Protector of the Zebulon Province in the Adromeda Galaxy Michael Bloomberg announced that the focus on his third term will be eliminating “all human life within city limits.”

Wearing the traditional gold robes and head dress of the Lord Protector, Bloomberg, surrounded by council members announced his goal to have “New York City free of all human life” by 2014.

“You humans didn’t realize that my war on trans fat was only the first step.  Why in the Zebulon Province we scoff at your environmentally unfriendly addictions.  And now that the city council has voted me a third term I can remove my human disguise and show you my true self.”

Bloomberg then unzipped his skin and let it fall to the floor, revealing the shiny green metallic structure native to the Andromeda Galaxy.  “You see, green is universal” he said to applause.

Citing  man-made global warming, mountains of nonbiodegradable trash, and the New York Knicks, Bloomberg said “Truly the only environmental solution to our problem is transportation of all humans off the planet to work in the underground salt mines of Andromeda.”

City council members James S. Oddo and Vincent M. Ignizio, of Staten Island, and Anthony Como of Queens, the only three Republicans on the council, announced their opposition to Bloomberg’s plan of relocating all humans.

“Sure we have environmental problems but we feel his plan to be an overreaction.  Can’t we just raise parking fines?  He may be the Lord Protector but I know Mickey Roarke “  declared their spokesman Oddo before being vaporized by a pulse of light emanating from Bloomberg’s eyes.

Stating that he does expect opposition “at first,”  to his plan, Bloomberg said “This is a very progressive, environmentally friendly plan……..I think I know what’s best.”  When asked when the deportations will begin he said “Immediately.  Starting with Queens of course.”

Reaction to Bloomberg’s environmental plan has been postive for the most part, with Chief Justice John Roberts declaring it a “step in the right direction, though I do have slight problems with the constitutionality.  But, we all agree something has to be done.”

Al Gore could not be reached for comment due to a power failure in the electrical grid surrounding his mansion.

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7 out of ten americans want to beat this woman up

In a shocking twist after the recent beating of Rihanna by Chris Brown, an opinion poll  disclosed that 7 out of 10 Americans would also like to beat her up.

“I can’t explain it” declared one pollster.  “We talked to what appeared to be  normal, respectable,  gainfully employed men. Yet they all became irrational at the mention of her name.”

Typical of the reactions is that of Alex Singer.  “I used to have a good job.  A wife.  A home.  Then I lost it all.  I blame that stupid song!”

John Smith,  who took part in the survey just before drifting into a coma said “Yeah, I’ve wanted to beat her up since the umbrella thing.”

“It’s true” said Monsignor Eoin O’Duffy, Pastor of Our Lady of the Mildly Perturbed.  “We’ve been seeing more and more cases of this amongst our parishioners.  They used to be leading members of the parish.  Now most of them are hospitalized in catatonic states, mumbling to themselves something about an umbrella….brella….brella…..hey hey………..god damn it…now i’m doing it.  Jesus I need a drink.”

Experts warn that this new phenomenon, dubbed “Rihanna Derangement Syndrome” has no known cure.  Symptoms include irritability, bloodshot eyes, frothing at the mouth and violent mood swings.  Men showing these signs are urged to contact their local health care authorities.

“Please get yourself to a doctor now” says County Health Inspector Niles Hampton.  “If nothing else visit the nearest emergency room.  We have banned all radios in county hospitals so there is not chance of hearing the umbrella song…..hey hey hey….under my umbrella.  Oh god no!  I”m infected!”

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Since starting my blog I have been asked many questions by people and I will try to answer them all now.

1.  S.J. of Manhattan, New York, writes “Is it easy to start a blog and why is my cat coming at me with a knife?”

Excellent question S.J.  The answer is yes it is easy to start a blog.  As for your cat she sounds possessed.  A few latin incantations should help you.  If not, I suggest changing your TV to The Animal Channel .  Cats love the animal channel.

2.  E.K. of Queens writes “I am curious about blogging.  I am also curious about being probed by aliens.  Can I start a blog about alien probing?”

Well, E.K., there are already several excellent blogs about alien probing so you might have competition.  As for your  “curiousity” I suggest you find another hobby such as baseball or screaming obscenities at the hosts of “The View”.

3. “Anonymous” of Mt. Holly NJ writes “Recently while in Davos I was photographed in compromising positions with several world leaders.  But that’s not my problem. What should I do about my blog?  Sometimes I just don’t feel like writing.”

Good question.   A blog takes dedication.  Keep writing. You must sit down every day and write.  You will probably not be satisfied with  your efforts and when you are finished you will cry.  In  other words, blogging is like sex.

4.  A.R. of Miami writes “Thanks for the steroids.”

While technically not a blog question I appreciate the shout out.

5.  B.O. of Washington DC writes “I recently took a new job and do not have much time to blog.  Can I use a ghost blogger?”

This is a controversial topic but I personally find nothing wrong about using ghosts to write your blog.  I suggest Patrick Swayze or Casper.

That’s all I have for now but keep sending in your questions and I will respond to them when not relaxing in my sensory deprivation chamber.

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