Derek Jeter ascends into Heaven

I"m ascending!

I”m ascending!

During today’s spring training game fans witnessed the  sight of beloved Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter ascending into the clouds.

Dubbed “The Miracle at Tampa Bay,” the amazing event happened during the 3rd inning on a routine ground ball to second baseman Robinson Cano.  “I fielded the ball, turned and threw to shortstop.  Only he (Jeter) wasn’t there.  I was scared at first because I thought I had committed another error and was going to get yelled at. Then I remembered that Larry Bowa isn’t our coach anymore.  That white boy scares me.”

Play was stopped momentarily as fans and media trained their cameras on the ascending Jeter, who appeared to be smiling with his arms outstretched. “I knew something was going to happen.  The past couple of days he kept telling me that where he was going I could not follow.  I thought he was talking about a strip club” declared the still under probation Joba Chamberlain.

Yankee manager Joe Girardi said “Naturally we support Derek’s decision to ascend.  We only wish it hadn’t happened during the game, as Cano’s error allowed 3 runs to score.  I’ve seen this thing before though.  Once in the ’90s Chuck Knoblauch ascended during practice. But that was different.  He wasn’t trying to find Heaven, only 1st base.”

Baseball it seems has a history of this sort of event.  During the early 1950s the entire St. Louis Browns team ascended and was never seen again. The Commisioner at the time, Ford Frick,  had no choice but to start a new franchise in Baltimore.

As to why this only seems to happen in Baseball and not other sports, columnist George F. Will states “Baseball is the sport of the Gods.  So this sort of thing is to be expected.”

From Rome, His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI released a statement that said in part, “Such an event, if it did indeed happen will be investigated by the appropriate Papal Department.  And who is Derek Jeter? Is he a football (soccer) player?”

The Yankees meanwhile are stuck with finding a new shortstop.  After Jeter’s transformation Alex Rodriguez was moved over to shortstop and played the position until the 7th inning when he exploded from an overdose of HGH.

Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman had no comment other than to say, “I’m not saying that ‘Jete’ didn’t have a right to do what he did, but this is a business.  We have a contract with him and we expect it to be honored.”

On a related note, Derek Jeter baseball cards are now being sold at $8,000, making it the most expensive baseball card since the infamous 1933 Babe Ruth “misprint” card where his hobbies are listed as “drinking and prostitutes.”


1 Comment

One Response

  1. Ro says:

    Hooray! Baseball season! The Manhattan Infidel at his finest!

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