It’s official: 7 out of 10 Americans surveyed would also like to beat up Rihanna

7 out of ten americans want to beat this woman up

7 out of ten americans want to beat this woman up

In a shocking twist after the recent beating of Rihanna by Chris Brown, an opinion poll  disclosed that 7 out of 10 Americans would also like to beat her up.

“I can’t explain it” declared one pollster.  “We talked to what appeared to be  normal, respectable,  gainfully employed men. Yet they all became irrational at the mention of her name.”

Typical of the reactions is that of Alex Singer.  “I used to have a good job.  A wife.  A home.  Then I lost it all.  I blame that stupid song!”

John Smith,  who took part in the survey just before drifting into a coma said “Yeah, I’ve wanted to beat her up since the umbrella thing.”

“It’s true” said Monsignor Eoin O’Duffy, Pastor of Our Lady of the Mildly Perturbed.  “We’ve been seeing more and more cases of this amongst our parishioners.  They used to be leading members of the parish.  Now most of them are hospitalized in catatonic states, mumbling to themselves something about an umbrella….brella….brella…..hey hey………..god damn it…now i’m doing it.  Jesus I need a drink.”

Experts warn that this new phenomenon, dubbed “Rihanna Derangement Syndrome” has no known cure.  Symptoms include irritability, bloodshot eyes, frothing at the mouth and violent mood swings.  Men showing these signs are urged to contact their local health care authorities.

“Please get yourself to a doctor now” says County Health Inspector Niles Hampton.  “If nothing else visit the nearest emergency room.  We have banned all radios in county hospitals so there is not chance of hearing the umbrella song…..hey hey hey….under my umbrella.  Oh god no!  I”m infected!”


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