An Open Letter from Jupiter in Response to Neptune

Jupiter, CEO of Mt. OlympusFrom the Office of Jupiter

King of the Gods and  CEO of Mt. Olympus

March 3

I see in the papers yesterday that you are dissatisfied with your position as King of the Sea.  You are also dissatisfied with my leadership.

I knew you were restless (leaving a bag of burning poop at Juno’s door wasn’t exactly subtle), but you have no one but yourself to blame for your current position.  In case you don’t remember I offered you another job, and a good one.  I  still don’t know  why you turned down Managing Partner at PriceWaterhouse Coopers.  You could have worked in London  or New York or Melbourne and worn pants. Many of the men who work at PwC do I’m told.

But let’s move on to your criticisms of my leadership.  Do you know how difficult it is to get any of the knuckleheads here on Olympus to do anything I say?  “I’m a god” they tell me.  “Get someone else to change the toner.”  “I’m a god.  Are you going to punish me for being late?  What are you going to do?  Fling me down to Earth so I break my back on the rocks?”  Well, I did that once.  What did it get me?  A lawsuit and a fine from the E.P.A.

You say I am stuck in the past and won’t change.  It’s called “brand recognition”.  Do you remember what happened to “New Coke”? Enough said

You want us to shave and wear pants.  We’d look like Billy Ray Cyrus, and who wants that?  In case you haven’t noticed we have competition from other gods – Thor, Jesus, Oprah.  We need to be instantly recognizable if we want to maintain our current customers and gain new ones.

You say you are tired of working on Olympus.  You suggested we move to a more central location like Chicago.  I took your suggestion and went there with an exploratory group.  What happened?  Blagojevich tried to shake me down for millions.

So quit your bitching because you can be replaced.  I hear Axl Rose needs a job.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to change my appearance into a swan.  I have a date tonight.


Jupiter, King of the Gods and CEO of Mt. Olympus


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