Oscar telecast leads to dramatic increase in global warming

This device will prevent global warming

This device will prevent global warming

Since Sunday’s Oscar ceremony sea levels have risen an astounding 25%  according to the government agency, “Scientists with Expensive Grants.”

We’ve never seen anything like this.” declares Hugo Nielson, head of the institute.  “Already Iceland, Greenland and Fenway Park are under water.  If this keeps up soon everything except the top of  Patrick Stewart’s head will be gone.”

At first scientists were unable to locate the source of the rise in sea levels.  “We thought maybe it was the release of gases caused by severe indigestion at Arby’s but soon realized the cause must lie elswhere.”

Experts were able to pinpoint the exact moment sea levels began to rise – the start of the Oscar telecast.

We found that it was the hot air escaping from the actors.  When Bill Maher was on stage Greenland was inundated with tsunamis.”

Scientists are predicting that next year’s Oscars may lead the the demise of life as we know it.  But all is not lost.

“If  somehow we can capture the hot air  from Hollywood and  recycle it we can make the world a much better place.  Why with the air from the Oscars alone we could increase the standard of living in Darfur to something approximating Camden, New Jersey.”

With just such a thought in mind the Scientists with Expensive Grants are working on an antiglobal warming device that they have high hopes for.  The “antiglobal warming thingie” will be placed around an actor’s mouth.  As he exhales, the device will expand as hot air is captured.   When the device is full, the end will be tied off.

“We’ve already made one prototype that cost $1.3 billion but with continued research and production can reduce the cost to $850 million per device.”

The Senate is expected to take up the issue of mass production of these devices next week.  According to Majority Leader Harry Reid, “If this works it has the potential to be the most transformational event in modern history since that guy on ‘Bewitched’ was replaced by the other guy.”


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