An Open Letter from Neptune

Neptune, cranky God of the SeaFrom the Office of Neptune, God of the Sea. 

Monday March 2nd

For immediate release

Recently it has come to my attention that a lot of people are concerned about the rise of ocean levels.  Every day my office is flooded (literally) with letters and emails from concerned citizens the world over.  Can I do anything to stop the rise of ocean levels?  After all, I’m the God of the Sea.  It must be my fault right?

Grow up people!

It’s not my fault. I have no powers.  My office is largely ceremonial.  My only responsibility is to show up at the equator when ships cross it and scare sailors. (Like that’s difficult.)

Besides, I’m a Democrat.  I love the environment.  Why would I want to raise sea levels?  That’s more work for me.  I’m 3000 years old and maybe I’d like to take it easy.   But I’m not allowed to. My contract says I have to remain in “buff condition” because the public  likes to see me with my shirt off. Do you know how much time a man my age must put into working on his pecs to look like I do?

I’d like to update my image but Jupiter is so stuck in the past.    I want to shave the beard.  And will someone please give me some pants?  C’mon.  Who else walks around in half a toga (really an oversized diaper). It just leads to misconceptions.  Last year I was on vacation in New York City……you now……just walking around taking in the sights and all these men kept asking me if I was a top or a bottom.  WTF man!

I put in for retirement 2000 years ago but I’m still waiting for my goddamn brother Jupiter (and that’s his name……don’t let him B.S. you with this “Jove” crap) to accept it.

And would you people please give me some heads up when you send some submarines my way?  The other day I was out for a stroll and – boom – I got blindsided by french and english submarines on war games.  Luckily I was able to escape and place the blame on the French.

And how about respecting my privacy?  What with modern technology and all I have nowhere to hide.  I like to take my lady friends to the Titanic wreckage. It’s very romantic.  So there we were having an intimate moment and who shows up but James Cameron!  Goddamn voyeur that’s what he is!  You like to watch James?

So just leave me alone will you?  Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go work on my pecs.


Neptune, God of the Sea.


One Response

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