Mayor Bloomberg declares “War on Life”

Kill it!

Kill it!

In a stunning move today New York City Mayor and Lord Protector of the Zebulon Province in the Adromeda Galaxy Michael Bloomberg announced that the focus on his third term will be eliminating “all human life within city limits.”

Wearing the traditional gold robes and head dress of the Lord Protector, Bloomberg, surrounded by council members announced his goal to have “New York City free of all human life” by 2014.

You humans didn’t realize that my war on trans fat was only the first step.  Why in the Zebulon Province we scoff at your environmentally unfriendly addictions.  And now that the city council has voted me a third term I can remove my human disguise and show you my true self.”

Bloomberg then unzipped his skin and let it fall to the floor, revealing the shiny green metallic structure native to the Andromeda Galaxy.  “You see, green is universal” he said to applause.

Citing  man-made global warming, mountains of nonbiodegradable trash, and the New York Knicks, Bloomberg said “Truly the only environmental solution to our problem is transportation of all humans off the planet to work in the underground salt mines of Andromeda.”

City council members James S. Oddo and Vincent M. Ignizio, of Staten Island, and Anthony Como of Queens, the only three Republicans on the council, announced their opposition to Bloomberg’s plan of relocating all humans.

Sure we have environmental problems but we feel his plan to be an overreaction.  Can’t we just raise parking fines?  He may be the Lord Protector but I know Mickey Roarke “  declared their spokesman Oddo before being vaporized by a pulse of light emanating from Bloomberg’s eyes.

Stating that he does expect opposition “at first,”  to his plan, Bloomberg said “This is a very progressive, environmentally friendly plan……..I think I know what’s best.”  When asked when the deportations will begin he said “Immediately.  Starting with Queens of course.”

Reaction to Bloomberg’s environmental plan has been postive for the most part, with Chief Justice John Roberts declaring it a “step in the right direction, though I do have slight problems with the constitutionality.  But, we all agree something has to be done.”

Al Gore could not be reached for comment due to a power failure in the electrical grid surrounding his mansion.


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