When the Hubble Telescope was launched scientists hoped that it would be able to peer into the farthest reaches of space and make many discoveries.  But what Hubble has most recently found has astonished even the most jaded of scientists.

Christopher Scolese, Associate Administrator of NASA said “We were hoping to find dark matter, strong and weak nuclear forces, remnants of ‘The Big Bang.’  What we found instead was something we never expected.”

For on the farthest reaches of space, deeper than Hubble had ever peered before were found weird emanations that scientists were at first unable to discern.  Then in a horrifying instant they knew what they had found:  Chevy Chase’s movies had travelled at the speed of light into space and had attached themselves to stars, creating a destructive chain effect that will eventually rip apart the universe.

“Oh Heavenly Dog had attached itself to one galaxy, Under the Rainbow to another and Nothing But trouble had attached itself to a third.  It was bad enough having to watch these stink bombs when they first came out but seeing them destroy matter was more than many of  our scientists could take.  Several have gone insane.  Those who haven’t gone insane drink heavily, cut themselves with knives and watch The Joe Buck Show.”

While NASA cannot as of yet explain why Chevy Chase seems to be such a destructive force what actually happens is well documented.  A Chevy Chase movie travelling through space will find an unsuspecting star and drain it of energy.  Once the stars nuclear fusion is spent instead of becoming a supernova the Chase movie will absorb the star totally, becoming stronger and more dangerous in the process.

Even more frightening that this, NASA has found that the Chevy Chase Talk Show is swallowing up black holes, once previously thought to be the most powerful force in the universe.

“We used to think that nothing could escape the gravitational pull of a black hole.  What we found is  that the black holes are not able to escape the destructive force of Chase’s talk show.  We can see it literally ripping apart the universe and destroying all matter.”

Scientists had given the universe another 10 trillion years of existence.  But the newly discovered “Chevy Chase Destruction Phenomena” has drastically altered calculations.

“I now give the universe 10 years at most.  Frankly I’m scared.  Hold me please” murmured an inconsolable Scolese.

From California where he was busy devouring the San Andreas Fault Chevy Chase was quoted as saying “I must eat matter.  Chase must destroy matter” before plugging his new movie due out this fall.

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Today’s scheduled conflict management seminar has been cancelled due to the untimely hospitalization of its instructor as well as most of the class.

The seminar was to have met at 6:00 PM when it was discovered that another group, “Citizens for Peaceful Coexistence” had also scheduled a meeting at the same time in the same classroom.

Shortly before 6 the first group from the conflict management seminar arrived only to find that the Citizens for Peaceful Coexistence had already started their meeting.  Several conflict management attendees banged on the door, shouting “Let us in you motherf$&*#$s” while others ran to a vending machine in the hall to buy cans of Red Bull to use as weapons.  Chairs were used in an attempt to smash the window and break into the room.  After several attempts the window was smashed and the conflict management attendees were able to gain egress into the classroom.  It was here that the cans of Red Bull came in handy as they were used as projectiles. The leader of the Citizens for Peaceful Coexistence was the first casualty, going down after several cans of Red Bull hit him in the groin.

Meanwhile the Citizens for Peaceful Coexistence had turned their desks over to use as cover and would grab the cans of Red Bull, shake them up, open the can and launch them at the conflict management attendees.  Several of the attendees were blinded by sugar in their eyes and fell to the  ground, disabled by their wounds.

After some minutes of a Red Bull induced standoff the conflict management attendees rushed into the room and brutal hand to hand fighting ensued.  Soda cans, pens, garbage cans and anything that was lying around were used at weapons.  Pens were gouged into necks, soda cans were shoved into mouths, garbage cans were used as clubs.  Even one attendee’s baby was used to hit the enemy over the head.  SWAT teams were called onto the scene.   Using full riot gear they advanced slowly from room to room until they came upon the rioters.

“I’ve never seen anything like it” said one cop.  “I spent a weekend in Camden, New Jersey once but that had nothing on this.”

Tear gas canisters were shot into the room.  Once the rioters were forced to evacuate they were promptly arrested.  Police entered the room in question to see scenes of carnage.  A Citizen for Peaceful Coexistence lay on the floor with his hands still around the neck of a conflict management attendee.  Shrapnel from exploding Red Bull cans littered the room.  The floor was covered in blood and in the corner a conflict management attendee lay mortally wounded, a flag pole inserted into his rectum.

From his cell a Citizen for Peaceful Coexistence told a detective “I would have killed them all if you hadn’t stopped me.”

Meanwhile the surviving members of the conflict management seminar are hoping to regroup and meet next week at the same time once they can find a place that will take them.  “We were going to meet at a bar but several of our members had conflicts and would have been unable to attend.”

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Today several Canadian Geese testified at an F.A.A. hearing investigating the recent spate of bird strikes on commercial airliners.  One after the other geese declared their innocence and stated that their only desire was to  live in peace.  Several geese also mentioned that they have migrated to the United States for much the same reason as other immigrants, namely the desire for a better life, religious freedom and a more plentiful supply of worms.

However, J. Randolph Babbitt, Administrator of the F.A.A. was not satisifed with these answers and continued to grill the testifying geese.

“Is it not in fact true that Canadian Geese have brought down several commercial airliners? Most recently in the Hudson?  Is it not true that Canadian Geese are now terrorizing our airspace?”

Not so, declared the geese who blamed the airstrikes on “rogue geese” from bad backgrounds who are influenced by Eminem and John Candy.

This did not satisfy Babbitt who blamed “Canadian Geese, Canadian Football, Canadian air masses, Canadian Bacon and William Shatner” for the decline of American civilization.  “This used to be a great country before Canada declared war on us.”

Warming to his task Babbitt, in conjunction with The Department of Homeland Security announced that starting July 1st all Canadian Geese entering the United States must have valid passports and a note signed by a notary public that they have never listened to Eminem or seen a John Candy movie.  Babbitt also introduced testimony from a group calling itself Muslims United for Real Democratic Empowering Relationships (MURDER) stating that Muslims have lost jobs since the epidemic of Canadian Geese immigration.  “Geese are making planes crash.  That is our job!” declared MURDER’s president.

At the conclusion of the hearing several geese stated their disappointment at the new regulations.  “We will continue to come into this country one way or another.  We love the United States.  It has so much to offer.  And they have the best tasting worms in North America.”

Meanwhile, a flock of rogue Canadian Geese was spotted in a bar in Plattsburgh New York 60 miles south of Montreal, wearing leather jackets, smoking, putting Eminem on the jukebox and asking if there was a John Candy film festival nearby.  Police have surrounded the bar and vow to capture the geese “dead or alive.”

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Responding to criticism of their time-honored Spartan battle dress, the King of Sparta today unveiled new uniforms for his warriors.  The old uniform, consisting of a long cape and tight leather underwear was deemed “insufficient protection” against a cruel and bloodthirsty enemy as well as “not conducive to maintaining bodily warmth in our all important manly regions.”

“After our disaster at Thermopylae we conducted a postbattle review and we found that our brave Spartan warriors were spending too much time trying to warm their midsections rather than destroying the Persian enemy.”

One of the survivors of the last stand testified in front of a senate commission:  “Did you ever try slicing a Persian enemy apart when your nuts are numb?  C’mon.  Throw us a bone will ya!”

Another brave survivor recounts watching his son’s head “get chopped off because instead of going in for the kill he had his hands over his testicles trying to keep them warm.”

This brave warrior, who lost one eye in the battle continued:  “Sure we look good in leather and the women and the Athenians – those boy lovers and philosophizers – dig it but Greece can be a cold and rainy climate.  Did you ever wear wet leather?  I have one word for you – chafing.  Try sneaking up on an enemy when your shorts are squeaking.”

The bipartisan Spartan Senate commission consisting of live supporters of the King and recently murdered enemies of the King recommended that “in the future whenever our brave warriors go into battle they have the proper equipment to protect their equipment.”

At the press conference announcing the findings the new Spartan Battle Dress Uniform was unveiled.  Consisting of head to toe animal fur with an extra 2 layers to wrap around manly midsections the Spartan King professed his confidence in the new uniforms.

“I tried on the uniform and can state for a fact that my testicles haven’t felt so warm since the time I slept with that Egyptian slave girl.”

In addition to protect from frequent rains all Spartan warriors will carry a backpack containing a yellow polyester rain coat.  When one senator objected that polyester hadn’t even been invented yet the King became enraged and shouted at him, “I take from you everything and leave you nothing” before kicking him in the chest causing the unlucky senator to fall backward into a giant pit. Onlookers gasped in horror as the senator, breaking all known laws of physics, fell to the bottom of the pit in slow motion.

Shortly after this the press conference broke up and the King announced his intention to return to Thermopylae with “warm hearts ready for battle and warm testicles protected by animal fur.”

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