When the Hubble Telescope was launched scientists hoped that it would be able to peer into the farthest reaches of space and make many discoveries.  But what Hubble has most recently found has astonished even the most jaded of scientists.

Christopher Scolese, Associate Administrator of NASA said “We were hoping to find dark matter, strong and weak nuclear forces, remnants of ‘The Big Bang.’  What we found instead was something we never expected.”

For on the farthest reaches of space, deeper than Hubble had ever peered before were found weird emanations that scientists were at first unable to discern.  Then in a horrifying instant they knew what they had found:  Chevy Chase’s movies had travelled at the speed of light into space and had attached themselves to stars, creating a destructive chain effect that will eventually rip apart the universe.

“Oh Heavenly Dog had attached itself to one galaxy, Under the Rainbow to another and Nothing But trouble had attached itself to a third.  It was bad enough having to watch these stink bombs when they first came out but seeing them destroy matter was more than many of  our scientists could take.  Several have gone insane.  Those who haven’t gone insane drink heavily, cut themselves with knives and watch The Joe Buck Show.”

While NASA cannot as of yet explain why Chevy Chase seems to be such a destructive force what actually happens is well documented.  A Chevy Chase movie travelling through space will find an unsuspecting star and drain it of energy.  Once the stars nuclear fusion is spent instead of becoming a supernova the Chase movie will absorb the star totally, becoming stronger and more dangerous in the process.

Even more frightening that this, NASA has found that the Chevy Chase Talk Show is swallowing up black holes, once previously thought to be the most powerful force in the universe.

“We used to think that nothing could escape the gravitational pull of a black hole.  What we found is  that the black holes are not able to escape the destructive force of Chase’s talk show.  We can see it literally ripping apart the universe and destroying all matter.”

Scientists had given the universe another 10 trillion years of existence.  But the newly discovered “Chevy Chase Destruction Phenomena” has drastically altered calculations.

“I now give the universe 10 years at most.  Frankly I’m scared.  Hold me please” murmured an inconsolable Scolese.

From California where he was busy devouring the San Andreas Fault Chevy Chase was quoted as saying “I must eat matter.  Chase must destroy matter” before plugging his new movie due out this fall.

(853)