Today several Canadian Geese testified at an F.A.A. hearing investigating the recent spate of bird strikes on commercial airliners.  One after the other geese declared their innocence and stated that their only desire was to  live in peace.  Several geese also mentioned that they have migrated to the United States for much the same reason as other immigrants, namely the desire for a better life, religious freedom and a more plentiful supply of worms.

However, J. Randolph Babbitt, Administrator of the F.A.A. was not satisifed with these answers and continued to grill the testifying geese.

“Is it not in fact true that Canadian Geese have brought down several commercial airliners? Most recently in the Hudson?  Is it not true that Canadian Geese are now terrorizing our airspace?”

Not so, declared the geese who blamed the airstrikes on “rogue geese” from bad backgrounds who are influenced by Eminem and John Candy.

This did not satisfy Babbitt who blamed “Canadian Geese, Canadian Football, Canadian air masses, Canadian Bacon and William Shatner” for the decline of American civilization.  “This used to be a great country before Canada declared war on us.”

Warming to his task Babbitt, in conjunction with The Department of Homeland Security announced that starting July 1st all Canadian Geese entering the United States must have valid passports and a note signed by a notary public that they have never listened to Eminem or seen a John Candy movie.  Babbitt also introduced testimony from a group calling itself Muslims United for Real Democratic Empowering Relationships (MURDER) stating that Muslims have lost jobs since the epidemic of Canadian Geese immigration.  “Geese are making planes crash.  That is our job!” declared MURDER’s president.

At the conclusion of the hearing several geese stated their disappointment at the new regulations.  “We will continue to come into this country one way or another.  We love the United States.  It has so much to offer.  And they have the best tasting worms in North America.”

Meanwhile, a flock of rogue Canadian Geese was spotted in a bar in Plattsburgh New York 60 miles south of Montreal, wearing leather jackets, smoking, putting Eminem on the jukebox and asking if there was a John Candy film festival nearby.  Police have surrounded the bar and vow to capture the geese “dead or alive.”

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