Putting an end to decades of controversy, a leading scientist today announced that she has definitively found the reason glaciers retreated during the last ice age in North America.

“I have uncovered shocking new evidence that the retreat of the glaciers was not an orderly thing.  It appears to be hurried and downright panicky.  There is only one thing that can cause this.  The glaciers were afraid of intimacy”  declared Sandra Manhard of The Institute of Feminist Studies, Gender Displacement and Urkel.

“I took extensive trips throughout New York State and took photos from the air.  My first discovery was that several of the drumlins left behind by the retreating glaciers actually spelled out messages.  One said ‘You’re kidding. You want me to meet your mother?’  Another one said ‘Hey, we’re cool right?  We’re just having fun?’ ”

When asked the significance of this Dr. Manhard appeared exasperated.  “Do I have to spell it out for you?  The glaciers, like all men, are bullies.  They just plowed their way through New York State, carving up everything in its path.”

According to this latest theory, when the manly, bullying glaciers finally reached their terminus in what is now Long Island they were confronted for the first time with land that would stand up to them.

“Long Island women are proud and have a long history of standing up to man bullying.  Obviously the glaciers did not know how to react.  They could not form real relationships and like all bullies, retreated as fast as they could.”

Dr. Manhard showed a photo of a drumlin that she claimed spelled out “I’m so embarrassed.  This has never happened to me before.”

“You see!  You see!” she yelled.  “All the glaciers cared about was having fun.  Not settling down!   And when they were confronted with settling down they could not perform.”

When asked if global warming could have contributed to the retreat of the glaciers Dr. Manhard screamed at the reporter, calling him a “typical male troglodyte and disgrace.”

This is not the first time Dr. Manhard has presented controversial theories.  Last year she stunned the scientific community by announcing that the Big Bang Theory was false and the result of “Man Think.”

“That’s so typical of men.  They equate the beginning of the Universe with a giant male-dominated orgasm.  I have an alternative theory that the Universe was born amid a long, mutually consensual meeting of elements.”

Dr. Manhard then ended the conference by handing out copies of a new paper she will be presenting entitled “The Hockey Stick and The Penis:  Symbols of Male Dominance.”

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