Today’s scheduled conflict management seminar has been cancelled due to the untimely hospitalization of its instructor as well as most of the class.

The seminar was to have met at 6:00 PM when it was discovered that another group, “Citizens for Peaceful Coexistence” had also scheduled a meeting at the same time in the same classroom.

Shortly before 6 the first group from the conflict management seminar arrived only to find that the Citizens for Peaceful Coexistence had already started their meeting.  Several conflict management attendees banged on the door, shouting “Let us in you motherf$&*#$s” while others ran to a vending machine in the hall to buy cans of Red Bull to use as weapons.  Chairs were used in an attempt to smash the window and break into the room.  After several attempts the window was smashed and the conflict management attendees were able to gain egress into the classroom.  It was here that the cans of Red Bull came in handy as they were used as projectiles. The leader of the Citizens for Peaceful Coexistence was the first casualty, going down after several cans of Red Bull hit him in the groin.

Meanwhile the Citizens for Peaceful Coexistence had turned their desks over to use as cover and would grab the cans of Red Bull, shake them up, open the can and launch them at the conflict management attendees.  Several of the attendees were blinded by sugar in their eyes and fell to the  ground, disabled by their wounds.

After some minutes of a Red Bull induced standoff the conflict management attendees rushed into the room and brutal hand to hand fighting ensued.  Soda cans, pens, garbage cans and anything that was lying around were used at weapons.  Pens were gouged into necks, soda cans were shoved into mouths, garbage cans were used as clubs.  Even one attendee’s baby was used to hit the enemy over the head.  SWAT teams were called onto the scene.   Using full riot gear they advanced slowly from room to room until they came upon the rioters.

“I’ve never seen anything like it” said one cop.  “I spent a weekend in Camden, New Jersey once but that had nothing on this.”

Tear gas canisters were shot into the room.  Once the rioters were forced to evacuate they were promptly arrested.  Police entered the room in question to see scenes of carnage.  A Citizen for Peaceful Coexistence lay on the floor with his hands still around the neck of a conflict management attendee.  Shrapnel from exploding Red Bull cans littered the room.  The floor was covered in blood and in the corner a conflict management attendee lay mortally wounded, a flag pole inserted into his rectum.

From his cell a Citizen for Peaceful Coexistence told a detective “I would have killed them all if you hadn’t stopped me.”

Meanwhile the surviving members of the conflict management seminar are hoping to regroup and meet next week at the same time once they can find a place that will take them.  “We were going to meet at a bar but several of our members had conflicts and would have been unable to attend.”

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