In a ceremony from the Rose Garden, President Obama signed into law a series of Presidential decrees that he hopes will “Define my Presidency.”

Starting in June asparagus will be outlawed.  All those caught with asparagus will be forced to wear T-shirts that say “I am personally displeasing to President Obama.”

All wood-burning stoves will be converted to stove-burning woods.

It will be illegal to use plastic on days with a vowel.

People named John will be shipped to the Moon and forced to mine for Dilithium Crystals.

The Atlantic Ocean will be drained and turned into a pedestrian walkway.

Everyone’s right arm must be detachable.  Those who refuse to make their right arm detachable will have to wear  a T-shirt that says “I am personally displeasing to President Obama.”

All subway and bus lines in the United States shall be named after The Beatles.  A few months after this is instituted the Pete Best Line will be discontinued and replaced by the Ringo Starr Line.

Esperanto will become the official language of the United States.

Who will move from First Base to Right Field.  What will move from Second Base to Shortstop and I Don’t Know will vacate Third Base and become a full-time Designated Hitter.

The sport of Hockey will be renamed “Mortimer.”

Flowers, rabbits, bicycles, apple pie, hair tonic, protractors and Matt Damon will be illegal.  Anyone using flowers, rabbits,  bicycles, apple pie, hair tonic, protractors or Matt Damon shall be forced to wear a T-shirt that says “I am personally displeasing to President Obama.”

Finally, a dome shall be placed over the United States.  Those who voted for President Obama will live inside the dome and be called “Immortals.” The Immortals will live a life of luxury and ease.  Those who live outside the dome will be called “Brutals.”  A chosen warrior class of Brutals called “Exterminators” will hunt down Brutals who are personally displeasing to President Obama.

After the announcement President Obama spoke to reporters.

“I realize you probably have two questions.  The first question – won’t this mean drastic changes in the American lifestyle? Yes, change is painful and I don’t want to minimize that lives may be disrupted.  But the Constitution gives me this authority.  As for your second question.  No, I am not insane.”

He then closed the press conference by saying that all he wants to do now is go back inside the White House and watch a game of Mortimer.  “Go Blackhawks” he said as he left the podium.

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In a stunning turn of events, President Obama’s newly appointed Pay Czar Ken Feinberg was forced to abdicate his position and later was kidnapped by Bolsheviks.

Shortly before 10 A.M. Feinberg, disheartened by the progress of the War in Afghanistan and realizing that his position had become politically untenable, abdicated as the United States’ Pay Czar.  He first attempted to abdicate in favor of his brother who refused the position, leaving America driftless, Pay Czarless for the first time in almost a week.

After resigning Feinberg attempted to flee Washington D.C., fearing turmoil in the streets.  He disguised himself as Santa Claus and got as far as Philadelphia where he was set upon by enraged faction of Anti-Santa locals shouting “kill St. Nick!”

Afraid for his life he blurted out “I am not Santa I am the former Pay Czar”  whereupon he was arrested by a local Bolshevik cell.  He was last seen being placed into the back of a car that was driven away.

An intensive search was started to find Feinberg.  President Obama vowed to make finding his Pay Czar his top priority as soon as he is finished “saying bad things about Fox News.”

An hour later the search for America’s missing Pay Czar came to an end when the following telegram was sent to the White House:

“Pay Czar Feinberg has been executed in the name of the People’s Revolution.  He was just the first.  We intend to kidnap the rest of President Obama’s Czars and execute them.  Then we are going after Yakov Smirnoff.  And, if we have time, maybe the Dave Matthews Band.  And Ringo.  We don’t like him either.”

From the White House President Obama announced that he would be placing all his Czars under protective custody, “especially that pussy Cameron Davis, my Great Lakes Czar.  Yeah, I have a Great Lakes Czar.  Go figure.  When the Hell did that happen?  I like chocolate cookies.  Pop tarts too.”

Ironically after the kidnapping Feinberg, who had just announced pay cuts for top executives, was stricken from the White House Payroll.

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The Obama Administration today called out the school newspaper of James Buchanan Elementary School in Harrisburg Pennsylvania over what it called “biased and untrue” coverage.

The trouble began when the school newspaper ran a story last week entitled “Obama unfair to school kids: No more soda in the cafeteria.”

Upon  reading the article, President Obama accused the newspaper of “being more like talk radio.  They are presenting opinions not facts.” President Obama also called the 11-year old 5th grader, Mary Johnson, who wrote the article “the leader of the Republican Party.”

During a round of Sunday talk show appearances President Obama stepped up his attacks on Johnson and the school newspaper.

“The Republicans think they can send out their attack dogs like this Johnson fella….I think it’s a fella.  Is it a boy or a girl?  Well the Republicans think they can send out their attack dogs like this Johnson girl to spread lies about this administration.

“The Republicans have got to stop listening to this Johnson girl and move towards the center. I don’t know whether they want to do that.  They seem happy being lead by fringe elements like this school newspaper.”

He then announced that reporters from that newspaper will be barred from pool coverage of the White House and that he will seek to revoke their press credentials.

Presidential Press Secretary Robert Gibbs continued the attack during a briefing with reporters.  “I think she’s (Johnson) been dithering.  She’s taken her eye off what matters – getting good grades in Home Economics – and gone on a vicious and unwarranted attack against this administration.  The facts will come out and when they do she will be totally discredited.”

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel announced that he will travel to Harrisburg where he intends to “cut off Mary Johnson’s pigtails and kick her in the shins a couple times.” 

Faced with continuing pressure the James Buchanan Elementary School announced that the school newspaper will be temporarily shut down while they reevaluate its editorial positions.  They also announced that Mary Johnson will have to stay after school for a week as punishment for her article.

President Obama professed the matter closed saying “I’m not losing any sleep over it.  Look, they clearly weren’t serving my administration.  And by not serving my administration they were not serving the needs of this country.”

Mary Johnson could not be reached for comment though friends say she is almost as upset as last spring when her cat died.

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