The Government today announced that it will be taking proactive steps to end global warming.

“It’s no secret that methane released from cows has dramatically increased the World’s core temperature” said Todd Stern, President Obama’s Climate Czar.  “If we continue to let these cows release their methane into the atmosphere we run the risk of having the entire United States under water.  And not just the bad parts like North Dakota and Argentina.”

When informed that Argentina was in fact not part of the United States Stern said “You must work for Fox” before having the reporter placed on a rack and stretched.

A number of tactics were used in the past to stop the menace of methane-releasing cows.  Predator Drones were used briefly but that program was shut down due to collateral damage.  “We got the cows but we also got the free-range chickens.  And this Administration is pro free-range chicken” said Stern.  Special Ops units were sent into the heartland to take out cows.  That program too ran into difficulty when PETA started arming the cows.  “We were frankly very surprised at how well cows could handle rifles.”

A new program, “Operation Anti-Methane” will concentrate on changing the diet of cows.

“We will be teaching cows about the many benefits of a lactose-free diet.”

Special classes have been set up where cows will view multimedia presentations on freedom from lactose.  Literature will be handed out to the cows espousing a healthy diet.  “We weren’t sure what language cows use so we printed them up in Chinese.”

While there have been a few glitches in the program such as getting cows to fit in generic school desks, “The cows had difficulty sitting in the desks – they kept tipping over” and the ever-present danger of accidental methane emission, “We lost a few good men –  the methane levels are still too high to remove the bodies” the Administration remains confident that they have finally hit upon a way to significantly affect climate change.

“Let me stress again that the President Obama is not anti-cow.  President Obama loves cows and considers them an important constituency that was slighted by the Bush Administration.  We only want to stop the horrors that come with methane emission.”

Operation Anti-Methane is estimated to cost about $1.6 trillion dollars.

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