The State Department today issued an advisory warning all American men to avoid traveling in Canada, particularly if they are traveling alone.

“We have lately been getting disturbing reports of American men who have been abducted by Canadian woman.  These men are subjected to humiliating treatment.  But I should have expected no less from a country that gave us Canadian Rules Football” said a State Department Spokesman.

The trouble seems to relate to the Canadian Assisted Human Reproduction Act of 2004 which banned payment for sperm donors.  (“That’s just like a socialist – take away the profit motive” declared an outraged Donald Trump.)  Since the act was passed Canada has suffered from a sperm shortage of epidemic proportions.  Desperate Canadian women have taken to hanging out in known tourist destinations targeting American men.  The men are then brought to remote locations where their sperm is extracted.

“I was sitting in this bar having a few drinks when this woman approached me and asked me if I was an American.  When I said yes she hit me over the head.  I woke up in some warehouse naked and strapped to a table.  Some sort of suction or milking devices were attached to my nipples and my penis.  Hey, I’m into role play as much as the next man but these things stung.

“I asked the woman what she was after and she said she just wanted my sperm.  I asked her if that’s all she wanted why the clamps on my nipples.  She said it was in retaliation for always winning their Stanley Cup” said one unlucky American victim.

The Department of Homeland Security has raised the threat assessment level.  “The reality of sperm smuggling can no longer be ignored” said Department Head Janet Napolitano.   “If the Canadians continue to steal American sperm at these rates we will be out of sperm by 2013.  Once that happens there will be rioting in our cities, mass suicides and crime epidemics.  America will be in chaos.  Dave Matthews might even have another hit single.  Civilized people rise up in horror at that possibility.”

The Department of Defense has responded with “Operation badges…..We don’t need no stinking badges” where Mexican men are paid to donate their sperm which is then given to Canadian women in place of American sperm.  So far no Canadians have taken the offered Mexican sperm.  Said one woman, “We may be desperate but we still have our national pride.  Mexicans suck at hockey.”

In the meantime all American men who are traveling to Canada are advised to wear special “refrigerated undies” which are  kept at 32 degrees Fahrenheit in the hopes of reducing sperm count.

“It might be a little uncomfortable but we have to protect our precious dwindling resources” said Napolitano.

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