In a ceremony from the Rose Garden, President Obama signed into law a series of Presidential decrees that he hopes will “Define my Presidency.”

Starting in June asparagus will be outlawed.  All those caught with asparagus will be forced to wear T-shirts that say “I am personally displeasing to President Obama.”

All wood-burning stoves will be converted to stove-burning woods.

It will be illegal to use plastic on days with a vowel.

People named John will be shipped to the Moon and forced to mine for Dilithium Crystals.

The Atlantic Ocean will be drained and turned into a pedestrian walkway.

Everyone’s right arm must be detachable.  Those who refuse to make their right arm detachable will have to wear  a T-shirt that says “I am personally displeasing to President Obama.”

All subway and bus lines in the United States shall be named after The Beatles.  A few months after this is instituted the Pete Best Line will be discontinued and replaced by the Ringo Starr Line.

Esperanto will become the official language of the United States.

Who will move from First Base to Right Field.  What will move from Second Base to Shortstop and I Don’t Know will vacate Third Base and become a full-time Designated Hitter.

The sport of Hockey will be renamed “Mortimer.”

Flowers, rabbits, bicycles, apple pie, hair tonic, protractors and Matt Damon will be illegal.  Anyone using flowers, rabbits,  bicycles, apple pie, hair tonic, protractors or Matt Damon shall be forced to wear a T-shirt that says “I am personally displeasing to President Obama.”

Finally, a dome shall be placed over the United States.  Those who voted for President Obama will live inside the dome and be called “Immortals.” The Immortals will live a life of luxury and ease.  Those who live outside the dome will be called “Brutals.”  A chosen warrior class of Brutals called “Exterminators” will hunt down Brutals who are personally displeasing to President Obama.

After the announcement President Obama spoke to reporters.

“I realize you probably have two questions.  The first question – won’t this mean drastic changes in the American lifestyle? Yes, change is painful and I don’t want to minimize that lives may be disrupted.  But the Constitution gives me this authority.  As for your second question.  No, I am not insane.”

He then closed the press conference by saying that all he wants to do now is go back inside the White House and watch a game of Mortimer.  “Go Blackhawks” he said as he left the podium.

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