A controversial new study has found that America does not in fact turn its lonely eyes to Yankee great Joe DiMaggio. The Center for Simon and Garfunkel Appreciation, located in Long Beach, Long Island funded the search.
“Times are tough out there. The Nation is in deep turmoil. What better way we thought to make America happy again than to point out the many benefits of Simon and Garfunkel” declared the Director of the Center.
In conjunction with People for the Ethical Treatment of ’60s Rock Stars, The Center for Simon and Garfunkel Appreciation conducted a week long survey. The survey had one question: Who does this lonely nation turn its eyes to?
“We obviously were expecting America to say Joe DiMaggio. He was the greatest player of the 20th Century. Hell, he hit 361 home runs but only struck out 369 times. That’s greatness! We were shocked when not only did he not place first he didn’t even make the top five.”
Instead the survey placed Megan Fox in first place followed by Albert Einstein, George Washington, “that tramp in homeroom who kept teasing you but wouldn’t put out” and mass murderer Ted Bundy. “That one surprised us” admits the Director.
Joe DiMaggio placed no. 25 behind “Marvelous Marv” Throneberry.
“I’ve spent my entire life believing in the wisdom of Paul Simon. I have a book of all his lyrics I carry around. It was my bible. Now I find out he’s lied? Now I find out he’s been misleading Americans for over 40 years? I’ve lost my faith.”
It was at this point that he pulled out a pistol from his desk.
“At first I thought I could live with just drawing moustaches and toupees on the Paul Simon photos I have but then I realized….if he’s lied to us what is the point of anything? What is the point of love? What good does the touch of a woman do? Why go home to my wife? Paul Simon can go to Hell. And that bastard Garfunkel too! It’s all meaningless! There is no God!”
He put the pistol to his head.
“You better leave now. You don’t want to see this.”
I heard the shot as I closed the door.
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Wish that all I ever heard out of Barry was The Sound of Silence.
That would make this a better world. Unfortunately I think Barry is too busy on the golf course looking for fun and feeling groovy – The Manhattan Infidel