Following the deaths of three runners in the 32nd annual Detroit Marathon autopsies were performed to determine the cause of death.

“Naturally anytime someone dies in the City of Detroit we consider it a tragedy” said Mayor Dave Bing shortly before he was shot by stray gunfire.

The first autopsy was performed on Daniel Langdon who was 36.

“We found that he was for the most part in good shape as befits a runner.  But upon further examination we did find 10 bullet wounds and 36 stab wounds on his body.  We are classifying it as death by heart attack with the heart attack brought on from the 10 bullet wounds and 36 stab wounds” said Detroit’s medical examiner.

The second autopsy was performed on  Rick Brown who was 65.

“Well, what can I say.  If a senior citizen is dumb enough to go out onto our streets then he deserves whatever happens.   We did find that his throat had been sliced from ear to ear and ‘Death to the man’ carved into his forehead. Obviously he died of a stroke brought on by high cholesterol and lacerations to the throat.”

A third autopsy was performed on Jon Fenlon, 26.

“He was apparently set on fire and died of third degree burns over his entire body.  We are classifying it as death by natural causes.  This is Detroit you know.”

This year’s deaths highlight the continuing problem of security at the Detroit Marathon.  From his hospital bed where he was recovering from his accidental shooting Mayor Bing complained of the slanted press coverage of the deaths.

“Come on.  We only had 3 die this year.  That’s a record low.  People outside of Detroit don’t understand that we pride ourselves on being different.  The Boston Marathon has the tradition and the New York City Marathon has the glamor but here in Detroit we have a little something called ‘toughness.’ “

He then went on to outline the many things that make Detroit’s Marathon different from the burning cars in the middle of the street to buildings collapsing onto the course.

“It’s the perfect cardio workout.  You’re jogging which is good for the heart and you are also working an obstacle course.  I say just try and find a tougher marathon than ours.”

When asked about the bullet wounds in the victims Mayor Bing responded, “Hey give me a break.  It’s not like they are standing still. The marathoners are moving.  They should be able to avoid any drive by shootings.  Duck and cover.  Duck and cover.  Standard operating procedure.”

Mayor Bing also announced that starting with next year’s marathon everyone who runs in it will be given a pamphlet entitled “So you’ve just been shot.  Now what?”

“We’re not heartless.  This isn’t Philadelphia” said Bing.

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