Apple Senior Vice President of iPhone Software Scott Forstall introduced the latest generation of iPhones and the many new apps that come with it.

“I awoke one morning and my iPhone was levitating over the bed” says Forstall.  “It was saying ‘I am iPhone.  You shall worship no other but me.’ It was then that I realized the true potential of the iPhone and the depth of its as yet untapped resources.”

The omnipotence of the iPhone is evident in its many new applications.  One  of the most promising is the “pizza” app.

“People are demanding.  It’s not enough to just have an app that’ll find pizza for you.  Our new app actually turns the iPhone into a delicious pizza that you can eat.  After digestion the iPhone is passed through the anus and becomes a phone again.  Now that’s progress!”

Another new application is the iPhone Eucharist app.

“I got the idea for this at an Apple Board meeting” says Forstall.   “Steve Jobs brought in his iPhone and then broke it into many pieces and passed it around the room saying ‘If anyone eat of this iPhone he shall live forever;  and the iPhone that I will give is my flesh for the life of the world.’ ”

There is already controversy regarding the Eucharist app as some (the transsubstevejobbers) believe the iPhone is transformed into Jobs’ body and blood while others (the consubstevejobbers) believe that Jobs’ body and blood exist alongside the iPhone.

But perhaps the most popular new applications are the Star Trek themed ones.

“I’m a big big fan of TOS” says Forstall, “particularly the ‘Mirror Mirror’ episode where Kirk is trapped in an alternate universe.  We’ve build some exciting new apps around that episode.”

The Agonizer is a new app where one can exert physical pain upon an enemy.  Forstall demonstrated it when an intern was too slow bringing his latte.  The intern collapsed on the floor screaming in pain.

“Think if it sort of like a taser but without the constitutional problems” said Forstall.

Also bundled in the iPhone is the Tantalus Field which allows iPhone owners to secretly monitor rivals and “eliminate” them.

“I’ve already used it this morning to eliminate other divisions within Apple” said Forstall.  “It’s a cool app.”

Forstall closed the press conference by predicting that the new iPhone will be the most exciting thing to happen to civilization since the release of the Sgt. Pepper CD.

“What do you mean Sgt. Pepper album? What the hell is an album?  Vinyl?  Don’t make me use  my agonizer on you!”

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