The Mayans Warned Us!

The Mayans warned us about New Coke, among other disastersWith the imminent release of the movie 2012, which purports to show the fullfillment of Mayan prophesy regarding the end of the World, attention has been drawn to what else the Mayans may have warned us about.

In the remains of a holy Mayan temple researchers found an ancient Mayan scroll filled with prophesies and portents.

“When you hold the scroll in your hands you immediately think of Nostrodamus.  The Mayans it can be said were seers like him but without the gout.  And they were cleaner.  And probably better at soccer.  I don’t think they would have liked Jerry Lewis either” said an archeologist.

Among the many surprises archeologists studying the scroll have found is the phrase, “New Coke will bomb!”  written over and over again.

“The Mayans clearly saw the danger of tampering with the formula of a popular soft drink” said a Professor of Archeology.  And that is only one of the many surprises that astonish those studying the scroll.

The Mayans were obsessed with order and continuity.  Nowhere is this more clearly seen than in the words “First they kill Bobby Ewing and then a year later he comes out of the shower?  Yeah right!”  which appear at the beginning of the 3rd book of the scroll.

The Mayans had a richly musical culture.  In the second book of the scroll they warn about the danger of taking music for granted:  “And beware a quartet from across the water will make great music and the world will want to hold their hand.  But the two leaders will stop speaking to each other and form new bands with their wives.  Shit will hit fan.” 

In a similar vein one finds the following prophesy: “Two brothers name Van will form a band.  They will fire their lead singer nameth David and replace him with a man who cannot drive 55.  What were they thinking?”

Some of the prophesies were startling in their directness:  “Do not let Chevy Chase nor Joe Buck have their own talk shows.  I mean……damn!” and “Manny Rodriguez’s  testicles will stop producing testosterone.  Blame the dreadlocks.”

As to how the Mayans were able to produce such visions no one seems to know for sure though a notation on one scroll may offer a clue:  “Ran out of weed dude.  Have to go buy some more.”

No matter how they did it Mayan civilization was doomed.  Shortly after predicting the end of the world the Mayan Empire vanished with the last words of the last book of the scroll:

“The World will end in 2012.   Bud Light is crap.”


One Response

  1. KingShamus says:

    “Bud Light is crap.”

    Wow, those wonderously intelligent Mayans pretty much nailed that one.

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