From the recently completed climate summit in Copenhagen came word that a consensus has been reached:  In order to save Mother Earth, dogs must go.

“The carbon footprint of the average dog is morally unsustainable” says a leading environmentalist.  With the footprint of a dog estimated to be 2.07 acres, the planet is in dire jeopardy of soon becoming unsustainable to all life if pets continue to roam free.

With this doomsday scenario in mind, conference delegates signed a nonbinding agreement to eliminate all dogs and cats by the year 2014.

First to put his words into action was ecowarrior Gordon Brown of Great Britain, who returned to 10 Downing Street and shot his dog, Mr. Bojangles, in the back of the head.

Prime Minister Brown released a statement that said, “Mr. Bojangles and I shared a deep love of  Mother Earth.  He knew his death would help save our planet and he happily offered himself up as a sacrifice.”  He further announced that Mr. Bojangles’ remains, as well as the remains of all dogs who are killed, would be recycled at special “Soylent Green” plants throughout the United Kingdom and sold to developing countries as “green-friendly food for the poor.”

There are holdouts however.  Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen vowed not to shoot his dog, Big Fella, until “the damn British give us our six counties back, or until Bono shuts the hell up.  Whichever happens first.”

In Washington D.C., President Obama’s dog Bo told reporters, “Oh come on.  You’re joking right?  First I lose my testicles then they want to shoot me in the back of the head?  That does it, I’m humping a leg.”

Americans will soon receive in the mail a pamphlet, “50 Ways to Shoot your Dog” with a foreword by Paul Simon.

Those who do not wish to shoot their canine friends will still have the so-called Nuclear Option:  Detroit will be sealed off with barbed wire and declared a “Canine Sanctuary Zone.”

“We understand that it will be difficult for Americans, particularly Red State Americans who do not care for Mother Earth, to part with their dogs.  That is why we are offering the Detroit option” said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.  “All they have to do is drop their dogs off in Detroit.”

When word of the nuclear option was first leaked, many dogs took to borrowing their master’s guns and shooting themselves.  One distraught former dog owner recounts coming home from work and finding his dog lying next to his gun.  The dog had left a suicide note that read, “Detroit?  Seriously?  Ruff Ruff.  Sniff.  Ruff. Ruff.  Tell my bitch I love her.”

“Change is always painful” said President Obama.  “But I’m confident that all Americans will do their part to save our planet.”

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Times Square this New Year’s eve will be eco-friendly.

To fight the scourge of man-made global warming, several countries have announced that New Year’s celebrations will have low carbon footprint, environmentally friendly themes.

Nowhere is this more evident that in perhaps the most famous of New Year’s Eve locations, Times Square in New York City.  Normally a sea of artificial light this year all power in Times Square will be turned off at 11:50 PM and the intersection will be plunged into total darkness.

“We feel that doing this will symbolize New York’s commitment to saving the planet.  Also, the total darkness thing might make it easier for me to cop a feel” said an organizer.

The famous ball dropped from Times Square will also be dark.  Normally the ball is dropped slowly in a controlled descent but since there is no electricity this year the ball will drop at a much faster rate of speed.

“We tested this out a few times and ended up crushing a few workers to death.  Yes, a tragedy but it’s all for the greater good.  Also, the ball might have a tendency to roll up Broadway so we ask the millions packed into the street to just get out of the way.”

In Sidney, Australia, to demontrate the danger of rising sea levels, city fathers have hired Hollywood Director James Cameron to use his special effects wizardry to stage a tsunami at midnight.

“It’s going to be spectacular.  Millions at the water’s edge will get a fantastic view of a blue curtain of water crashing down on them” said a city spokesperson.

Those attending the event are advised to bring a snorkel and fins.  But not to worry.  People who cannot swim will be directed to one of the many ushers in attendance holding “How may I assist you?” signs.

“Those who are drowning are asked to raise their hands and an usher will help you.  Those who are already drowned will be directed to an afterlife counselor.”

And it’s not just big cities getting into the act.  Poughkeepsie, New York will feature an adaptation of Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman called “Death of a Polar Bear.”

“We may be a small city but we are quite crazy too”  said Poughkeepsie’s Mayor,  John C. Tkazyik.

All in all, this year’s celebrations promise to be the most environmentally friendly ones since the discovery of electricity.

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This polar bear is being used for propaganda purposes

Tragedy struck the world today as Al Gore was attacked by polar bears and consumed in front of a shocked audience.

Mr. Gore was on stage at a symposium in Copenhagen and giving a speech entitled “The Seas are Rising:  Give me Money” when three polar bears burst into the room and ran straight for the stage.  They pinned Gore down and while two proceeded to tear at his flesh a third stood on his hind legs at the podium, placed glasses on his nose and read the following statement:

“We, the polar bears of the world are tired of being used for propaganda purposes.  Imagine if you will you are resting on an iceberg and getting a little Sun.  Your picture is taken and suddenly you are in newspapers across the globe.  ‘Poor Polar Bear Watches Habitat Melt’ says the headline.  Your privacy is gone.  Phototographers are now always following you around and trying to snap more photos of you in your most vulnerable moments.  How would you like your photo taken when you’re mounting the Mrs?  You take away a polar bear’s dignity you are asking for trouble.  Thank you.  Now if you excuse me I have to eat a politician.

And with that the third bear stepped down from the podium and joined his colleagues in the Gorefest.  Reaction in the hall ran from confusion,  “Is it the Edgar Winter group?” to surprise,  “When the polar bear put on his glasses and started reading his statement I was shocked.  You don’t often see polar bears standing on their hind legs.”

The bears started with Mr. Gore’s torso, tearing it open with their powerful paws and using their long snouts to poke inside.  Then the legs were ripped free and consumed.

A few brave photographers tried to snap photos of the atrocity but were warned by the bears.  “Hey, what did we just tell you?  Give us our dignity back. No photos!” said one bear.

When the bears had finished eating all that was left was Gore’s head, which one bear balanced on top of him and paraded around the room saying “The center of the Earth is 6 million degrees Fahrenheit……no wait, 8 million degrees Fahrenheit.”

And as soon as it began it was over.  The bears left peacefully, one even telling reporters “You’ve been a great audience.   Hey, what does a polar bear do for fun in Copenhagen?  Where do the female bears hang out?”

President Obama, when informed of the tragedy, expressed shock and sadness.

“Michelle and I are deeply saddened by today’s events.  Have you seen my new medal?“

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