N.O.W. Names Charlie Sheen “White Male of Northern European Origin” of the Year

Carlos Estevez's mug shot

Carlos Estevez’s mug shot

The National Organization for Woman has named Hollywood bad boy Charlie Sheen their White Male of Northern European Origin of the Year. Coming off the heels of his recent arrest for menacing, second-degree assault and criminal mischief in the domestic incident with his wife this may come as a surprise.

“It shouldn’t surprise anybody” says N.O.W. President Terry O’Neil.  “Mr. Sheen, by his recent actions, has done women across America a big favor.  Sometimes with our busy lifestyles, what with the six-figure jobs on Wall Street, drinking Cosmos with the ladies after work  and weekends in the Hamptons, which I’m told all women in the United States do, we sometimes forget that women are weak, helpless, and oppressed.”

Mr. Sheen was chosen as the White male of northern European origin of the year because he has reminded women of the many dangers they face living in the white man’s sexist America.

“By attacking his wife he has raised the level of estrogen rage in the United States.  We need this level of womanly rage to always be high.  When the rage level drops, donations to N.O.W. taper off which mean less money available to discuss our problems with other oppressed women over cocktails in the Hamptons.”

Sheen came in first in the voting, barely beating out “that guy in garage who told me I need a new transmission and since transmissions are expensive I might want to discuss it with my husband.  Like I need to discuss anything with my husband!”

There was some controversy as to whether Sheen was actually eligible for the award since he was born Carlos Estevez and has Spanish blood in him.

“We discussed this but then realized that poor Charlie must be a victim too.  Obviously the oppressive war-like white blood in him is making him do things peace-loving peoples of color, like the Spanish, would never do.  Also, in Charlie’s defense I’d like to remind people that he is a liberal who supports female reproductive freedom so as a woman I have to cut him some slack.”

This is not Mr. Sheen’s first encounter with the law.  In 1990 he shot fiancee Kelly Preston in the arm.  In 1993 he used a Browning Automatic Rifle to shoot up an entire house of ill-repute.    In 2002 he bought a nuclear bomb from the Pakistanis and dropped it on Saskatchewan because he had heard that “there were women in that province.”  In 2005, in a bizarre incident, he beat up an actor in an Elmo costume.

“I looked and didn’t see a penis on the costume. I thought it was a woman so I beat Elmo up” said Sheen in his defense.

After his arraignment Sheen denied that he is anti-woman.

“C’mon, with all the prostitutes I’ve slept with how can anyone say I hate women?”

He also told reporters that he has learned from his mistakes and that he looks forward to working things out with his wife and having a nice home-cooked meal.

“I mean, she had better have the damn dinner ready or there’s going to be trouble.”


4 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    Wild Thing, you make my phone ring! 911 phone, that is.

  2. Matt says:

    I wonder if Bill Clinton is in a fit of jealous rage. Given his “body of work” in this area.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    That would depend on what the meaning of “is” is.

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