Shoot Your Dog and Save the Planet

Every dog will have its day - to die!From the recently completed climate summit in Copenhagen came word that a consensus has been reached:  In order to save Mother Earth, dogs must go.

“The carbon footprint of the average dog is morally unsustainable” says a leading environmentalist.  With the footprint of a dog estimated to be 2.07 acres, the planet is in dire jeopardy of soon becoming unsustainable to all life if pets continue to roam free.

With this doomsday scenario in mind, conference delegates signed a nonbinding agreement to eliminate all dogs and cats by the year 2014.

First to put his words into action was ecowarrior Gordon Brown of Great Britain, who returned to 10 Downing Street and shot his dog, Mr. Bojangles, in the back of the head.

Prime Minister Brown released a statement that said, “Mr. Bojangles and I shared a deep love of  Mother Earth.  He knew his death would help save our planet and he happily offered himself up as a sacrifice.”  He further announced that Mr. Bojangles’ remains, as well as the remains of all dogs who are killed, would be recycled at special “Soylent Green” plants throughout the United Kingdom and sold to developing countries as “green-friendly food for the poor.”

There are holdouts however.  Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen vowed not to shoot his dog, Big Fella, until “the damn British give us our six counties back, or until Bono shuts the hell up.  Whichever happens first.”

In Washington D.C., President Obama’s dog Bo told reporters, “Oh come on.  You’re joking right?  First I lose my testicles then they want to shoot me in the back of the head?  That does it, I’m humping a leg.”

Americans will soon receive in the mail a pamphlet, “50 Ways to Shoot your Dog” with a foreword by Paul Simon.

Those who do not wish to shoot their canine friends will still have the so-called Nuclear Option:  Detroit will be sealed off with barbed wire and declared a “Canine Sanctuary Zone.”

“We understand that it will be difficult for Americans, particularly Red State Americans who do not care for Mother Earth, to part with their dogs.  That is why we are offering the Detroit option” said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.  “All they have to do is drop their dogs off in Detroit.”

When word of the nuclear option was first leaked, many dogs took to borrowing their master’s guns and shooting themselves.  One distraught former dog owner recounts coming home from work and finding his dog lying next to his gun.  The dog had left a suicide note that read, “Detroit?  Seriously?  Ruff Ruff.  Sniff.  Ruff. Ruff.  Tell my bitch I love her.”

“Change is always painful” said President Obama.  “But I’m confident that all Americans will do their part to save our planet.”


3 Responses

  1. This wouldn’t work in my house, man. My dog is incredibly accurate with an AK-47. I might just convince her to march on the District of Criminals.

  2. Matt says:

    Excellent post. I mean, it would be better if the libs would lead by example, and shoot themselves first, but I guess that’ll never happen.

    As for Snarky, anything that lives and breathes in his home can field strip that AK blindfolded.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    I am personally opposed to the mistreatment of dogs – unless it’s sarah jessica parker of course.

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