Kris Kringle, CEO of Santa Corp.

From Washington today it was announced that Santa Claus, fur-wearing, white male of northern European origin will be denied access to American air space on Christmas Eve.

In his weekly radio address, President Obama wished all Americans a “Happy Holiday Season and may the principles of Kwanzaa enlighten all of us.” He then went on to announce that for security and humanitarian reasons Santa Claus will be denied access to American air space.

“It is my job as your leader to make America a better place.  It is my job to enlighten my fellow Americans.  It is for these reasons that I painfully announce my decision regarding Mr. Claus” said the President.  He then went on to list a series of “atrocities” perpetrated by Mr. Claus which make him persona non grata in the United States.

According to the President, Claus has

1. Consistently worn fur when the rest of the civilized world has eschewed the wearing of dead animals.
2. Denied his employees universal health care coverage
3. Abused a native species of animal by roping them to his sleigh on Christmas Eve and fatiguing them with a world-wide flight
4. Denied Mrs. Claus the opportunity to work outside the house and aged her beyond her years with his insatiable sexual appetite.

When informed of the decision Mr. Clause expressed astonishment.

“Hello.  It’s the North Pole.  It’s cold.  That’s why I wear fur.  Does President Obama expect me to wear a nylon jumpsuit?  My employees don’t need health benefits. They are elves. Magical creatures who are immortal.  The only health problems they ever have is the occasional case of the Clap.  And the reindeer like working for me.  They like to travel and see the world.”

But he saved his greatest indignation at the mention of Mrs. Claus.

“The President has no right to  bring her into it.  She’s a fine woman.  Work outside the house?  We are the only business in 500 miles!  Besides she does alright.  She runs a mail-order company.  As far as our sex life that’s no one’s business.  If this is how the President is going to treat me then the hell with the United States.  Kids in the America get no toys until I receive an apology.”

As word spread and millions of kids started crying, parents across the United States petitioned the President to revoke his decree.  The President refused.

“Perhaps instead of giving in to the white, western, commercial instincts the parents of America can teach their kids about the true meaning of Christmas – using cap and trade policies to reduce our carbon footprint and to contemplate the many historical wrongs this country has perpetuated.”

He then announced that Christmas will hereafter be known as “Cap and Trade Day” where all citizens will be forced to either take public transportation or walk to see loved ones.

“Our sacred Mother Earth is dying.  It’s up to us to bring it back to life” said the President.

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