Underwear Bomber Prompts New Security Procedures

Don't put a bomb in your underwear

Don’t put a bomb in your underwear

Since Richard Reid tried to blow up a transatlantic flight with his shoe, millions of travelers have become accustomed to removing their shoes at security checkpoints in airports. But now, with the advent of “underwear bomber”  Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, new, stricter security guidelines have been put in place.

The Department of Homeland Security has announced that, starting immediately, underwear will  also have to be removed at airports throughout the United States.

The Department’s top profilers have proven conclusively that, according to the latest intelligence, the most likely underwear bombers are women between the ages of 18 to 25.  These women will be asked to remove their underwear in front of security.

“This is for everyone’s safety of course.  We are not asking people to remove underwear for  prurient reasons.  We are not dirty old men drunk on power using any emergency as an excuse to overstep constitutional bounds.  We are the Government” said a Department spokesperson.

The Department also announced that airline passengers have nothing to fear.

“Fortunately, we have many dedicated employees who have volunteered to  join the new underwear removal division.  Our workers are literally beating down the door for the opportunity to do this.”

New underwear removal training schools are being set up at Government sites.  Homeland Security employees will be trained on the proper method of undergarment removal.

“For everyone’s safety this has to be done right.  Employees will be trained to say things like ‘that’s it baby….work it’ and ‘shake what your momma gave you.’   This will we believe have a calming effect on potential underwear bombers and prevent them from detonating explosives.  Again, this is standard law enforcement procedure.  We are doing this for safety reasons only……so, are you into it?  Do you come here often?  Would you like to watch some DVDs with me at my place?”

The first person stopped under the new guidelines was Megan Fox.

“I know she’s not blonde but her behavior raised red flags so we asked her to remove her underwear.   We are pleased to announce that after a thorough investigation by several security experts, she was not carrying explosives.”

As for the underwear bomber himself, Abdulmutallab lies in a hospital with 2nd degree burns over his genitalia.

“He pretty much burned his testicles and penis off so even if he was successful, he would have had no use for the 72 virgins.”


One Response

  1. Matt says:

    Where might I apply for this glorious job?

    On second thought, forget it. Knowing my luck, I’ll get the repugnant fliers.

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>