Stung by criticism that it is out of date and fast becoming irrelevant to young Muslims, Al Qaeda has announced a major restructuring.
“It’s time we modernized” said Al Qaeda second in command, Ayman Al-Zawahari. “Accordingly, all fighters for Allah will be issued two camels, two young boys and two turbans.”
Also, in accordance with their new motto of “Modernize to bring back the 9th Century”, Al Qaeda will be offering online certifications in the following subjects:
How to kill the infidel.
How to kill the infidel while on a budget.
How to kill the infidel before being blown up by a CIA predator drone.
How to kill the infidel in a way that is green and won’t damage the environment
Screenwriting 101.
After the failed Times Square bombing Al Qaeda will be sending all their bomb makers to school for special bomb-making certifications.
“Faisal Shahzad did indeed receive instructions from us in Pakistan on how to make a bomb. But obviously his instructor was faulty. We wish to end the scandal of bomb making instructors who do not know how to make bombs.”
All Al Qaeda bomb manufacturers will be sent to learn their craft from the masters of bomb making: Hollywood California.
“Hollywood really knows how to make a bomb. We respect that and can learn from them. I mean, c’mon. Gary Unmarried? Any remake Tim Burton makes of a classic movie? Clearly if you want to know how to make bombs you have to go to Southern California.”
Al Zawahiri admits that this is a short-term strategy however and will seek to phase out bombs from their arsenal.
“We live on this planet too. Sure we want to kill all infidels but we don’t want to damage mother Earth. I want Al Qaeda to be known as the environmental Islamofascists”
Al Qaeda will also enter the mail-order business as a way to increase membership. Packages will be mailed out containing a booklet entitled “So You Want to Kill the Infidel. Is an Islamofascist Vocation for You?” as well as a cookbook, “Favorite Vegetarian Recipes of Al Qaeda.”
Al Zawahiri will be touring America to explain his organization’s new business model. First stop: Live with Regis and Kelly.
Often I get asked by my many fans, “Manhattan Infidel, what is a typical day like for you?” Okay, so technically it’s not my fans who are asking me this.
It is the police.
But in the spirit of openness I would like to share with my readers what a typical day is like for me. Hopefully someone reading my blog will be inspired by my example. Or become permanently damaged by what they have read.
My day starts out as I’m sure many a person’s day starts out: I wake up at 6 AM in a cold sweat screaming “Get your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape.” After a quick check to ascertain that I am not in fact going to be used by Dr. Cornelius for experimental surgery I make myself breakfast.
After a refreshing breakfast of cold pizza and Miller Genuine Draft it is down to business. I begin by reciting this little prayer which I find helps keep me focused:
Lord give me the strength to change what I can, the strength to resist what I cannot change and the wisdom to figure out what to do with the skulls in my refrigerator.
At precisely 7:00 AM I go to my computer and check the latest news, jotting down notes on anything that catches my interest. After a half hour of reading the latest headlines I divide my notes into three categories:
Definite blog topic
Possible blog topic
Where the hell is my concubine?
From 7:30 to 9 AM I curl into a fetal position and weep uncontrollably. Occasionally I’ll shout “Treat Williams you bastard!”
At 9 I put on clothes (preferably male) and leave my apartment. I walk to the corner deli and buy cigarettes, condoms and soap. Then I tell the woman behind the counter that “she’d make a good concubine.”
Back at my place I call the New York Post and ask to speak to their entertainment reporter. I tell him that “Treat Williams has given me gonorrhea. Again.” I then hang up (let them worry about it.)
From 9:30 to 12:00 I work on my blog. I stop writing when the Demerol wears off.
At 12 I head to Fitzgerald’s Pub for a nutritious lunch of chicken tenders and beer. After my eighth pint I grab the bartender by the collar and say “You know where my concubine is don’t you? She’s with Treat Williams isn’t she?” Having not received a satisfactory answer I curl into a fetal position and weep. Occasionally I’ll shout “Treat Williams you bastard!”
Back at my place once again I work on my blog from 3 to 7 PM. I stop writing when the Demerol wears off.
From 7 to 11 PM I watch television next to the roaring fireplace, which in itself is kind of odd since I don’t own a television nor have a fireplace.
At 11 PM I prepare myself for bed by reciting this prayer:
Lord give me the strength to change what I can, the strength to resist what I cannot change and the wisdom to hunt down Treat Williams and punish him for taking my concubine.
And there you have it readers. A typical day in the life of the Manhattan Infidel. May my example help you.
Al and Tipper Gore have announced that their 40-year marriage will be ending. “After a great deal of thought and discussion, we have decided to separate” they wrote in a statement released to the press.
Friends and relatives were shocked by the announcement as they saw no trouble in the relationship. However, Mr. Gore has reportedly told political allies that he had to leave his wife to “save the planet.”
“The heat generated from our super sexually charged relationship was causing climate change. Sea levels were rising. Ice caps were melting. Polar bears were drowning. I have dedicated my life to fighting climate change. I could not stand by and let another polar bear drown just so I could see Tipper in her french maid outfit one more time” said Mr. Gore.
Gore’s explanation for his separation from his wife brings to mind the famous “kiss” from the 2000 Democratic Convention.
“During that kiss I witnessed an untamed sexual passion that I haven’t seen since that video Mick Jagger and David Bowie did together for Dancing in the Street” said a Democratic Party representative who was present at the convention.
In a follow up statement Mr. Gore said “There were only two things I could do to save the planet. Leave my wife or reduce energy consumption at my Tennessee estate. What would you do?”
Throughout the United States men contemplating leaving their wives have been given hope by Gore’s announcement. Divorce lawyers are reporting that “a desire to stop climate change and to save the planet” has replaced “a desire to shack up with my 25-year old secretary” as the number one reason men are now leaving their wives.
Following in Gore’s wake, several states have introduced bills in their legislatures adding “climate change” to their lists of valid reasons for a divorce.
Former President Bill Clinton when asked about the breakup said, “This is a man who is leaving his wife. I love this man.”
From his home in North Carolina, disgraced former Presidential candidate John Edwards told reporters, “Damn, Gore’s good. I wish I had thought of that.”
Polar bears could not be reached for comment though it is expected they will support Mr. Gore’s decision.
That’s baseball and it’s my game, y’know You take your worries to the game, and you leave them there. You yell like crazy for your guys. It’s good for your lungs, gives you a lift and nobody calls the cops. Pretty girls, lots of ’em ~ Humphrey Bogart.
Going up to Yankee Stadium I noticed ominous dark clouds. Would it rain? Sure enough New York experienced torrential thunderstorms until just before game time. I assume they were the tears of female Nick Swisher fans as he got engaged over the weekend. Sorry girls, you won’t have him because as we all know monogamy is a respected tradition among professional athletes.
But onto the game. The Yankees coming off winning three out of four against the Cleveland Indians started a series against the Baltimore “We have plenty of young talent and we have to keep saying this because we suck” Orioles.
The Yankees started Javier “Dead man walking, green mile, waiting for ole sparky” Vazquez. In the two games I’ve been to this year that the Yankees have lost Vazquez started. So I was prepared for the worst. Not having access to an electric chair I brought a noose to the Stadium which security was kind enough to let me bring into the park once I assured them it wasn’t a bomb.
Much to my surprise Vazquez pitched a good game, going 7 innings and giving up four hits and one run on a home run to Corey Patterson. I guess my talk with Vasquez before the game worked.
MI: Do you know why I have attached electrodes to your testicles?
Javier Vazquez: Don’t hurt me. I promise to pitch a good game.
MI: You had better. Now go clean yourself up. Punk.
The game was an old fashioned pitchers duel with no runs being scored until Curtis Granderson hit a solo home run in the bottom of the fifth. 1 -0 Yankees after five. However the Orioles came back in the top of the sixth on Patterson’s aforementioned home run. 1 -1 after six. And so the score stayed until Miguel Tejada misplayed Alex Rodriguez’s line drive allowing two runs to score. 3 – 1 Yankees after seven.
Three days after his meltdown against Cleveland, Joba Chamberlain was brought in to pitch the eighth. Like Vazquez, I had a talk with Joba before the game.
MI: I hear your part American Indian. Did you ever hear of the trail of tears?
Joba Chamberlain: Don’t hurt me. I promise to pitch a good game.
MI: You had better. Now go clean yourself up. Punk.
Joba pitched a scoreless eighth before giving the ball to Mariano Rivera in the ninth who got the final three outs. Final score: Yankees 3 Orioles 1.
Notes on the game:
Yankee Stadium has kosher food now. Not to be outdone the Yankees announced that they have kosher HGH available for their players. There was no comment from Alex Rodriguez, Mark Teixeira, A.J. Burnett or Curtis Granderson as they were last seen exploding in the parking lot.
The Yankees also announced a marketing deal with the Rolling Stones whereby the music of the Stones will be featured at Yankee Stadium. Said Keith Richards, “The Yankees and the Rolling Stones have much in common. The Yankees are 27 time world champions and I’m dead, mate.”
Best heckle of the game:
I tried but my heckle of “Archbishop Corrigan was right!” provoked puzzled stares from my fellow bleacher creatures. What? I thought everbody was hip to obscure 19th-Century ecclesiastical history.
Nick Johnson injury watch:
As most of you know, Nick Johnson is on the 60-day disabled list and won’t be returning to the Yankees until August at the earliest. Today he was rehabbing when tragically a pterodactyl, long thought extinct, swooped down and grabbed him, carrying Johnson to her nest where he was fed to her young. Well, these things are bound to happen I guess.
Recommended reading material:
The IRA: A History by Tim Pat Coogan.
Reader mail:
L.K. of New Jersey writes, “My mohawk is back! Unfortunately so are the zombies. But you know zombies aren’t bad people once you get to know them.”
Bleeding heart liberal!
British Petroleum writes, “What are you complaining about? You wanted oil. Well, it’s on your beaches now.”
Yeah, you’re going to have to work on that whole public relations thing.
Julius Caesar writes, “Et tu, Brute?”
I don’t speak Latin so I don’t know what the Hell you’re talking about.
Ted Williams writes, “Will someone please reattach my head?”
What can I say Ted. Bahstahn sawks cack.
Anyway my record now stands at 4 – 2. My next Yankee game is Saturday June 12th against the Houston (pronounced Howston in New York) Astros.
With crowds watching the Jumbotron in Times Square, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced that the 2014 Super Bowl has been awarded to “the great City of New York. And by that I mean East Rutherford, New Jersey.”
The announcement brought a sight of relief from New York’s (and East Rutherford, New Jersey’s) thousands of prostitutes.
“The ’90s were great for us” said one prostitute. “We had the Democratic Convention twice. And then we had the Republican Convention. Politicians are some of our best customers. But since then business has been fallen off. I’ve taken to hanging around schoolyards trying to hook up with teachers who haven’t been lucky enough to score with their students.”
One factor that weighed heavily in New York (and by that I mean New Jersey) not getting the Super Bowl before has been the cold weather in the northeast in February. Said one NFL official:
The half time show was a concern. Some of these old people don’t respond well to the elements. Pete Seeger turned us down and Phil Ochs is already dead but Bob Dylan said he’d do it after we assured him that heated blankets would be available. Also a masseuse will vigorously rub him down between songs while vodka is poured down his throat. Hopefully these precautions will keep him alive during the show. Also a defibrillator and emergency technicians will be standing by in case of heart stoppage.
Security for the 2014 Super Bowl will be extra tight. Those lucky enough to get a ticket will have to show up 18 hours before game time. Upon arrival they will be herded into “security detainment centers” where they will be x-rayed. After the x-ray they will be stripped naked and subjected to a severe and excruciatingly thorough body cavity search. After this they will be whipped by a dominatrix. When asked how the whipping would enhance security an employee at the new Meadowlands Stadium said, “Beats me. But that’s just the way we do things in New York. And by that I mean New Jersey. Besides, she had the low bid on the contract.”
Because of the cold weather, ticket prices for the Super Bowl will be discounted.
“Ticket prices will start at $4,000 for upper level seats and go up to $25,000 for box seats” said Commissioner Goodell. “We’re proud that the average working Joe will finally be able to afford a ticket.”
When informed by a reporter that $4,000 was beyond what most people could afford Goodell said “Yeah, well, that’s just how we do things in New York. And by that I mean New Jersey. Now why don’t you be a nice boy and behave yourself, Kappish? Shame if something were to happen to you.”
In my continuing effort to better the lives of my readers I now offer a few tips on how to preserve and strengthen your marriage.
The key to any successful marriage is of course communication. At some point your wife will approach you and say “I want to talk about my feelings.”
The important thing to do when this happens is to take a deep breath and not panic. There is a simple way out of this. Look your wife in the eye and say “I’d love to talk about your feelings but it’s Friday night. Time for hookers and blow.” Then leave for a strip club.
Note: This may anger your wife. She may throw things at you. But rest assured. She is simply acting out a bourgeois construct. Deep down she appreciates your honesty.
Note: When you return home you may find the locks have been changed. Do not fret. This is why God invented Philadelphia. Get in your car and drive to the City of Brotherly Love. Philadelphia: Providing sanctuary for husbands who have been locked out after a visit to a strip club for six decades and counting.
Many of my readers tell me that their wives often gently remind them when the weekend arrives that chores need to be done and until those chores are finished there will be no “sitting on the couch watching football.”
There is an easy way out of this conundrum. Grab your rifle and a ladder, climb up onto the roof and pick off the neighbors one by one. When the police arrive and ask you why you are doing this tell them that your wife said you could not watch football until the chores were done. The police will sympathize and you will not be arrested.
Another way to maintain a fresh marriage is keeping the romance alive. An easy way to do this is role play. I suggest sleeping with all of your wife’s friends, taping it and putting it on the internet. If she objects tell her it’s all part of role play.
Women love gifts. One way to keep your wife happy is to give her lots of presents. Surprise her one day by bringing home the illegitimate children you have fathered. Your wife will like this as it shows you are a family man. If perchance you have no illegitimate children then give your wife a vacuum cleaner or a new mop. Women love practical gifts like this. It shows that you are thinking about them.
“I’m thinking about you honey” you can say. “I’m thinking about how this new vacuum cleaner and mop will enable you to do more housework while I go play golf.”
And there you have it. Follow my advice and you will be guaranteed a long and happy marriage. Trust me. I’m the Manhattan Infidel. I only have your best interests at heart.
But don’t take just my word. Here are some testimonials I have received from grateful readers:
T.S. from Astoria, Queens writes, “I gave my wife a vacuum cleaner and a mop for our anniversary. She started crying. I think they were tears of joy. She then stabbed me in the groin with a letter opener. But she’s Korean so I think that was just a cultural misunderstanding.”
T.S. – Yes I understand they do have different customs. She was probably trying to thank you.
M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “If my husband ever follows your advice so help me I will hunt you down and stab you in the groin with a letter opener.”
M.B. I didn’t even know you were Korean.
S.S. of Manhattan writes, “My husband recently surprised me by bringing home an illegitimate child he had fathered. I would have stabbed him in the groin with a letter opener but I’m an American. So I shot him instead.”
That’s a rather unique way of getting a man to talk about his feelings, S.S.
Note: The Manhattan Infidel will be relocating to a motel in Philadelphia next to a strip club. For research purposes only.
Community Board 1 in lower Manhattan approved today the building of a mega mosque a block from Ground Zero. In the 29-1 vote the Board said that the planned mega mosque will provide recreational facilities for the impoverished citizens of lower Manhattan and will also, “in the tradition of Islam” promote tolerance.
The plan will turn the old Burlington Coat Factory into a 100 million dollar center that will have a mosque, a 500 seat auditorium, tentatively named the “Death to America Auditorium”, a swimming pool, a bookstore, tentatively called the “Death to America Bookstore” and a restaurant which will feature the finest in Muslim cuisine, including sawed off westerner’s head, chopped off westerner’s head, hacked off westerner’s head and Chicken McNuggets.
The proposal was not without its detractors however as hordes of intolerant citizens attended the board meeting to voice their displeasure.
“We expected a few racists to oppose this beautiful symbol of togetherness” said Manhattan Borough President Scott Stringer “but it is our responsibility to label the opposition as what they are – un-American, unpatriotic and race bating. And I’m not just saying that because Muslims are holding my son hostage and have threatened to cut his head off.”
City Council Speaker Christine Quinn commented that the Mosque will unite New York behind its core principles of tolerance and diversity.
We will never know what the true motives were of those who flew planes into buildings in Downtown Manhattan. Perhaps they were having difficulty paying off their mortgage. Perhaps they wanted to make a statement about the evils of capitalism. But there is one thing all intelligent New Yorker’s know – this mosque will put an end to the false and hurtful notion that Muslims want to kill us. A notion, I might add, that was used by the previous administration to justify its two immoral wars.
Community Board 1 also expressed its support for efforts to build a tribute to the Japanese Navy near the Arizona Memorial.
“We will never know what the true motives were of the Japanese Navy. Perhaps the pilots were having difficulty paying off their mortgage. But the proposed tribute will help ensure American values of diversity, tolerance and peace” said a Community Board member
The European Union has accused American cheese of “unilateralism” and deemed it a threat to peace. Jerzy Buzek, President of the Parliament of the European Union made the announcement today.
“These individually wrapped slices of American Cheese are destroying Europe.”
He then went on to describe in full why the European Union will boycott American Cheese and place sanctions on the importation of it into EU countries.
We spit on your individually wrapped slices of yellow cheese. It is the cheese of war! Look at our Swiss cheese. That is a truly peace-loving cheese. The holes in the cheese symbolize European transparency and openness. Nothing bad ever happens with Swiss cheese. Oh, occasionally artwork stolen by the Nazis may show up but that is water under the bridge.
While many diplomats are stunned by the hostility to American cheese, sources close to the EU say that the ban on American cheese was long coming and represents European disdain for American cowboy values and worries that American culture is overtaking Europe.
“In the westerns, the cowboys used to eat American cheese by the campfire. Westerns are very popular in Europe and now the majority of Europeans want to eat American cheese” said one person close to the situation.
Starting July 1st, the European Union will ban American cheese and other products of the “American War Machine” including but not limited to:
The TV show 24. “A truly war-like American cheese eating show. I bet Jack Bauer eats American cheese before he disembowels his victims.”
Miley Cyrus. “She looks like she’s a cheese eater. And if she comes to Europe we fear Roman Polanski may escape from his house arrest.”
The letter “C”. “What does cheese start with? The letter C. Better to nip it in the bud.”
Friday. “Americans work on Friday. If Europe found out about this it could damage morale in our socialist states.”
The Hudson River. “It’s not even a river. It’s an estuary. A war-like estuary. C’mon America. Get with the program.”
With the advent of sanctions, the European Union hopes to purify the culture of Europe from bad American influences. It may have a chance of succeeding. When informed of the sanctions, President Obama apologized to the EU on behalf of all America for American cheese.
“I myself have never had American cheese. But I believe it represents American thoughtlessness and triumphalism. I certainly sympathise with the socialist governments of the EU.”
Cows throughout the United States could not be reached for comment.
In a speech today President Obama called the existence of “known capitalists” on Wall Street the greatest danger the American Republic has faced in years.
Speaking in Prime Time to the American people, President Obama outlined the case against Wall Street and the “evils” he saw during his brief trip to New York.
“My fellow Americans. Believe me when I say that when I visited Wall Street I looked into the face of evil. I would have seen more but Michelle and I were late for a Broadway show.”
Warming to his subject, the President gave specific examples of the “evil and malfeasance” of the enemies of the American people.
I had heard rumors, that I scarcely could believe in today’s enlightened times, of people in New York engaged in the tired old pursuit of profit. Today, we are engaged in an all-out final battle between capitalism and the policies of my administration. The modern champions of capitalism have selected this as the time. My fellow Americans can there be anyone watching who is so blind as to say that war is not on against those of us who want to redistribute income? I have in my hand a list of 205 cases of individuals who would appear to be either card carrying capitalists or certainly loyal to the principles of a free market economy. These men continue to work freely on Wall Street even though they are known by our State Department to be capitalists. One thing to remember when discussing capitalists is that we are not dealing with spies who get 30 pieces of silver. We are dealing with a more sinister type because it permits the capitalistic enemy to shape and guide our economic policy. The great difference between the policies of my administration and the capitalists on Wall Street is not political. It is moral. My fellow Americans. It is time to drive the money changers out of the temple and return America to its socialist roots. Thank you and good night.
President Obama then announced a financial reform package that will raise taxes on anyone “not working for the Federal Government.”
NBC has announced that as part of its “Green Week” President Obama will appear on all their Prime Time shows.
“Redistribution of income helps the environment” said a spokesman for NBC.
Defying all expectations local hip hop artist “Dirty Muthafucka” has avoided being shot.
“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong” said Dirty Muthafucka. “My music is violent. Authentic. Filled with disturbing images. I have a posse that follows me around. They all carry guns. I encourage them to shoot people. So why am I not being shot back?”
In lieu of his nonshooting many record stores are refusing to carry his CDs. iTunes will not carry his music either.
“We’ve given him every opportunity to die a violent death but since he hasn’t there doesn’t seem to be any market for his hip hop” said an Apple executive.
In recent weeks Mr. Muthafucka has taken steps to increase his street credibility in hopes of a violent death.
“I got tats man” said Muthafucka as he raised his sleeve revealing a “I love butterflies and rainbows“ tattoo. “Oh man that’s not the tat I asked for. I specifically asked for the ‘Whitey must die’ one. See how the man mocks me!”
In addition to his disturbing tendency to remain alive, other recent events have thrown doubt on his hip hop legitimacy as shown by this charged exchange with a reporter from the New York Times:
NY Times: How well did you know your father?
Dirty Muthafucka:I never knew him. He was wrongly convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison.
NY Times: But our records show that he worked for IBM until he retired.
Dirty Muthafucka: Okay, so he worked at IBM. But in the mail room because the Man would not let him go any higher.
NY Times: He was an executive. His tax return shows that he made $1,000,000 a year.
Dirty Muthafucka: All lies by the Man. He was a convict.
NY Times: We have a picture of him introducing Ronald Reagan at a campaign rally.
Dirty Muthafucka: So this is how the Man operates? I invite you into my home and share my Pinot Grigio with you and you spread the same old tired lies about my family? This interview is over!
Mr. Muthafucka, who was born Edward Jones in Scarsdale, New York has asked his fans to pray that he gets shot soon.
“I have a brand name to uphold. If I don’t get killed my career is going to die!”
Last night I went through another one of my horrible experiences. Many years ago I was bitten by a werewolf. Now, whenever the full moon rises I turn into a wolf myself.
The Manhattan Infidel lives and works on the Island of Manhattan. In his spare time he enjoys curling up into a fetal position contemplating the wreck of a once promising career.
The Manhattan Infidel would also like to hear from you. Questions? Comments?
Send an email to: webmaster@manhattaninfidel.org
Stung by criticism that it is out of date and fast becoming irrelevant to young Muslims, Al Qaeda has announced a major restructuring.
