Hip Hop Artist Not Shot

This gun was not used in the nonshooting of a local hip hop artistDefying all expectations local hip hop artist “Dirty Muthafucka” has avoided being shot.

“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong” said Dirty Muthafucka.  “My music is violent.  Authentic.  Filled with disturbing images.  I have a posse that follows me around.  They all carry guns.  I encourage them to shoot people.  So why am I not being shot back?”

In lieu of his nonshooting many record stores are refusing to carry his CDs.  iTunes will not carry his music either.

“We’ve given him every opportunity to die a violent death but since he hasn’t there doesn’t seem to be any market for his hip hop” said an Apple executive.

In recent weeks Mr. Muthafucka has taken steps to increase his street credibility in hopes of a violent death.

“I got tats man” said Muthafucka as he raised his sleeve revealing a I love butterflies and rainbows tattoo.  “Oh man that’s not the tat I asked for.  I specifically asked for the ‘Whitey must die’ one.  See how the man mocks me!”

In addition to his disturbing tendency to remain alive, other recent events have thrown doubt on his hip hop legitimacy as shown by this charged exchange with a reporter from the New York Times:

NY Times:  How well did you know your father?

Dirty Muthafucka: I never knew him.  He was wrongly convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison.

NY Times:  But our records show that he worked for IBM until he retired.

Dirty Muthafucka: Okay, so he worked at IBM. But in the mail room because the Man would not let him go any higher.

NY Times:  He was an executive.  His tax return shows that he made $1,000,000 a year.

Dirty Muthafucka: All lies by the Man.  He was a convict.

NY Times:  We have a picture of him introducing Ronald Reagan at a campaign rally.

Dirty Muthafucka:   So this is how the Man operates? I invite you into my home and share my Pinot Grigio with you and you spread the same old tired lies about my family?  This interview is over!

Mr. Muthafucka, who was born Edward Jones in Scarsdale, New York has asked his fans to pray that he gets shot soon.

“I have a brand name to uphold.  If I don’t get killed my career is going to die!”


6 Responses

  1. Mark says:

    Edward Jones “Muthafuka” of the Scarsdale Muthafuka’s? I think we used to summer with them in Watch Hill, Rode Island.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    No no. You’re thinking of Eddie “Dirty Muthafucka” Jones of Chappaqua.

  3. KingShamus says:

    I think we’re getting this guy confused with Stevie “Dirty Muthafucka” Williams. He also rapped under the name “Brooklyn Shitstain” and he was outta the infamous Ankorage, Alaska housing projects.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    No no…you’re thinking of Kid Detroit Dirty Mutufucka out of Cleveland. He was from Denver.

  5. KingShamus says:

    All I know is, never bet on the white guy.

  6. Matt says:

    Well, you guys have exceeded my capability for witty comments. Well done.

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