The Manhattan Infidel’s Guide to a Successful Marriage

Many married men seek to trade in their wivesIn my continuing effort to better the lives of my readers I now offer a few tips on how to preserve and strengthen your marriage.

The key to any successful marriage is of course communication. At some point your wife will approach you and say “I want to talk about my feelings.”

The important thing to do when this happens is to take a deep breath and not panic.  There is a simple way out of this.  Look  your wife in the eye and say “I’d love to talk about your feelings but it’s Friday night.  Time for hookers and blow.” Then leave for a strip club.

Note:  This may anger your wife.  She may throw things at you.  But rest assured. She is simply acting out a bourgeois construct.  Deep down she appreciates your honesty.

Note:  When you return home you may find the locks have been changed.  Do not fret.  This is why God invented Philadelphia.  Get in your car and drive to the City of Brotherly Love.  Philadelphia:  Providing sanctuary for husbands who have been locked out after a visit to a strip club for six decades and counting.

Many of my readers tell me that their wives often gently remind them when the weekend arrives that chores need to be done and until those chores are finished there will be no “sitting on the couch watching football.”

There is an easy way out of this conundrum.  Grab your rifle and a ladder, climb up onto the roof and pick off the neighbors one by one.  When the police arrive and ask you why you are doing this tell them that your wife said you could not watch football until the chores were done.  The police will sympathize and you will not be arrested.

Another way to maintain a fresh marriage is keeping the romance alive.  An easy way to do this is role play.  I suggest sleeping with all of your wife’s friends, taping it and putting it on the internet.  If she objects tell her it’s all part of role play.

Women love gifts.  One way to keep your wife happy is to give her lots of presents.  Surprise her one day by bringing home the illegitimate children you have fathered.  Your wife will like this as it shows you are a family man.  If perchance you have no illegitimate children then give your wife a vacuum cleaner or a new mop.  Women love practical gifts like this.  It shows that you are thinking about them.

“I’m thinking about you honey” you can say.  “I’m thinking about how this new vacuum cleaner and mop will enable you to do more housework while I go play golf.”

And there you have it.  Follow my advice and you will be guaranteed a long and happy marriage.  Trust me.  I’m the Manhattan Infidel.  I only have your best interests at heart.

But don’t take just my word.  Here are some testimonials I have received from grateful readers:

T.S. from Astoria, Queens writes, “I gave my wife a vacuum cleaner and a mop for our anniversary.  She started crying.  I think they were tears of joy.  She then stabbed me in the groin with a letter opener. But she’s Korean so I think that was just a cultural misunderstanding.”

T.S. – Yes I understand they do have different customs.  She was probably trying to thank you.

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “If my husband ever follows your advice so help me I will hunt you down and stab you in the groin with a letter opener.”

M.B. I didn’t even know you were Korean.

S.S. of Manhattan writes, “My husband recently surprised me by  bringing home an illegitimate child he had fathered.  I would have stabbed him in the groin with a letter opener but I’m an American.  So I shot him instead.”

That’s a rather unique way of getting a man to talk about his feelings, S.S.

Note:  The Manhattan Infidel will be relocating to a motel in Philadelphia next to a strip club. For research purposes only.


5 Responses

  1. It’s nice to see you broaden your blog by having Bill Clinton guest post. Or is this from Tiger?

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Actually this post was guest written by Tiki Barber.

  3. Matt says:

    I’m going to invest in Korean letter openers…and Kevlar boxers. You just never know these days.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: Obviously you are a former boy scout. Always be prepared!

  5. KingShamus says:

    Tiki is a great human being with impeccable timing.

    He retires a year before the Giants win the Super Bowl.

    He decides to have a messy affair right as his media career was supposed to take off.

    What a genius.

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