Al Qaeda to Modernize

Al Qaeda seeks to become relevantStung by criticism that it is out of date and fast becoming irrelevant to young Muslims, Al Qaeda has announced a major restructuring.

“It’s time we modernized” said Al Qaeda second in command, Ayman Al-Zawahari.  “Accordingly, all fighters for Allah will be issued two camels, two young boys and two turbans.”

Also, in accordance with their new motto of “Modernize to bring back the 9th Century”, Al Qaeda will be offering online certifications in the following subjects:

  • How to kill the infidel.
  • How to kill the infidel while on a budget.
  • How to kill the infidel before being blown up by a CIA predator drone.
  • How to kill the infidel in a way that is green and won’t damage the environment
  • Screenwriting 101.

After the failed Times Square bombing Al Qaeda will be sending all their bomb makers to school for special bomb-making certifications.

“Faisal Shahzad did indeed receive instructions from us in Pakistan on how to make a bomb.  But obviously his instructor was faulty.  We wish to end the scandal of bomb making instructors who do not know how to make bombs.”

All Al Qaeda bomb manufacturers will be sent to learn their craft from the masters of bomb making:  Hollywood California.

“Hollywood really knows how to make a bomb.  We respect that and can learn from them.  I mean, c’mon.  Gary Unmarried?  Any remake Tim Burton makes of a classic movie?  Clearly if you want to know how to make bombs you have to go to Southern California.”

Al Zawahiri admits that this is a short-term strategy however and will seek to  phase out bombs from their arsenal.

“We live on this planet too.  Sure we want to kill all infidels but we don’t want to damage mother Earth.  I want Al Qaeda to be known as the environmental Islamofascists”

Al Qaeda will also enter the mail-order business as a way to increase membership.  Packages will be mailed out containing a booklet  entitled “So You Want to Kill the Infidel.  Is an Islamofascist Vocation for You?” as well as a cookbook, “Favorite Vegetarian Recipes of Al Qaeda.”

Al Zawahiri will be touring America to explain his organization’s new business model.  First stop:  Live with Regis and Kelly.


5 Responses

  1. KingShamus says:

    I know this is gonna sound ugly and misguided, but when Al-Zawahiri shows up on Oprah’s couch for his book tour, I really hope he stabs her.

    Sorry, that’s just how I roll.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Can’t say I disagree with you on this. Of course if he does stab her the breaking news on MSNBC will be “Dick Cheney responsible for Oprah’s death.”

  3. innominatus says:

    He’s gonna need a really long knife if he hopes to reach any of her vital organs.


  4. Matt says:

    Man the harpoons!

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Oprah cannot be killed. She’s already one of the undead.

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>