The European Union has accused American cheese of “unilateralism” and deemed it a threat to peace. Jerzy Buzek, President of the Parliament of the European Union made the announcement today.

“These individually wrapped slices of American Cheese are destroying Europe.”

He then went on to describe in full why the European Union will boycott American Cheese and place sanctions on the importation of it into EU countries.

We spit on your individually wrapped slices of yellow cheese.  It is the cheese of war!  Look at our Swiss cheese.  That is a truly peace-loving cheese.  The holes in the cheese symbolize European transparency and openness.  Nothing bad ever happens with Swiss cheese.  Oh, occasionally artwork stolen by the Nazis may show up but that is water under the bridge.

While many diplomats are stunned by the hostility to American cheese, sources close to the EU say that the ban on American cheese was long coming and represents European disdain for American cowboy values and worries that American culture is overtaking Europe.

“In the westerns, the cowboys used to eat American cheese by the campfire.  Westerns are very popular in Europe and now the majority of Europeans want to eat American cheese” said one person close to the situation.

Starting July 1st, the European Union will ban American cheese and other products of the “American War Machine” including but not limited to:

1. The TV show 24.  “A truly war-like American cheese eating show.  I bet Jack Bauer eats American cheese before he disembowels his victims.”
2. Miley Cyrus.  “She looks like she’s a cheese eater. And if she comes to Europe we fear Roman Polanski may escape from his house arrest.”
3. The letter “C”.  “What does cheese start with?  The letter C.  Better to nip it in the bud.”
4. Friday.  “Americans work on Friday.  If Europe found out about this it could damage morale in our socialist states.”
5. The Hudson River. “It’s not even a river.  It’s an estuary.  A war-like estuary.  C’mon America.  Get with the program.”

With the advent of sanctions, the European Union hopes to purify the culture of Europe from bad American influences.  It may have a chance of succeeding.  When informed of the sanctions, President Obama apologized to the EU on behalf of all America for American cheese.

“I myself have never had American cheese.  But I believe it represents American thoughtlessness and triumphalism. I certainly sympathise with the socialist governments of the EU.”

Cows throughout the United States could not be reached for comment.

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