Javier Vazquez, Joba Chamberlain Granted Stays of Execution; Yankees Win

Javier Vazquez gets a stay of executionThat’s baseball and it’s my game, y’know  You take your worries to the game, and you leave them there.  You yell like crazy for your guys.  It’s good for your lungs, gives you a lift and nobody calls the cops.  Pretty girls, lots of ’em ~ Humphrey Bogart.

Going up to Yankee Stadium I noticed ominous dark clouds.  Would it rain?  Sure enough New York experienced torrential thunderstorms until just before game time.  I assume they were the tears of female Nick Swisher fans as he got engaged over the weekend.  Sorry girls, you won’t have him because as we all know monogamy is a respected tradition among professional athletes.

But onto the game. The Yankees coming off winning three out of four against the Cleveland Indians started a series against the Baltimore “We have plenty of young talent and we have to keep saying this because we suck” Orioles.

The Yankees started Javier “Dead man walking, green mile, waiting for ole sparky” Vazquez.  In the two games I’ve been to this year that the Yankees have lost Vazquez started.  So I was prepared for the worst.  Not having access to an electric chair I brought a noose to the Stadium which security was kind enough to let me bring into the park once I assured them it wasn’t a bomb.

Much to my surprise Vazquez pitched a good game, going 7 innings and giving up four hits and one run on a home run to Corey Patterson. I guess my talk with Vasquez before the game worked.

MI:  Do you know why I have attached electrodes to your testicles?

Javier Vazquez:  Don’t  hurt me.  I promise to pitch a good game.

MI:  You had better.  Now go clean yourself up.  Punk.

The game was an old fashioned pitchers duel with no runs being scored until Curtis Granderson hit a solo home run in the bottom of the fifth.  1 -0 Yankees after five. However the Orioles came back in the top of the sixth on Patterson’s aforementioned home run.  1 -1 after six.  And so the score stayed until Miguel Tejada misplayed Alex Rodriguez’s line drive allowing two runs to  score.  3 – 1 Yankees after seven.

Three days after his meltdown against Cleveland, Joba Chamberlain was brought in to pitch the eighth.  Like Vazquez, I had a talk with Joba before the game.

 MI:  I hear your part American Indian.  Did you ever hear of the trail of tears?

Joba Chamberlain:  Don’t hurt me.  I promise to pitch a good game.

MI:  You had better.  Now go clean yourself up.  Punk.

Joba pitched a scoreless eighth before giving the ball to Mariano Rivera in the ninth who got the final three outs.  Final score:  Yankees 3 Orioles 1.

Notes on the game:

Yankee Stadium has kosher food now.  Not to be outdone the Yankees announced that they have kosher HGH available for their players.  There was no comment from Alex Rodriguez, Mark Teixeira, A.J. Burnett or Curtis Granderson as they were last seen exploding in the parking lot.

The Yankees also announced a marketing deal with the Rolling Stones whereby the music of the Stones will be featured at Yankee Stadium.  Said Keith Richards, “The Yankees and the Rolling Stones have much in common.  The Yankees are 27 time world champions and I’m dead, mate.”

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “Archbishop Corrigan was right!” provoked puzzled stares from my fellow bleacher creatures.  What?  I thought everbody was hip to obscure 19th-Century ecclesiastical history.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

As most of you know, Nick Johnson is on the 60-day disabled list and won’t be returning to the Yankees until August at the earliest.  Today he was rehabbing  when tragically a pterodactyl, long thought extinct, swooped down and grabbed him, carrying Johnson to her nest where he was fed to her young.  Well, these things are bound to happen I guess.

Recommended reading material:

The IRA:  A History by Tim Pat Coogan.

Reader mail:

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “My mohawk is back!  Unfortunately so are the zombies.  But you know zombies aren’t bad people once you get to know them.”

Bleeding heart liberal!

British Petroleum writes, “What are you complaining about?  You wanted oil.  Well, it’s on your beaches now.”

Yeah, you’re going to have to work on that whole public relations thing.

Julius Caesar writes, “Et tu, Brute?”

I don’t speak Latin so I don’t know what the Hell you’re talking about.

Ted Williams writes, “Will someone please reattach my head?”

What can I say Ted.  Bahstahn sawks cack.

Anyway my record now stands at 4 – 2.  My next Yankee game is Saturday June 12th against the Houston (pronounced Howston in New York) Astros.

Go Yankees!



2 Responses

  1. Nick Johnson injury watch

    That’s like the antithesis of Timex: Breaks a hangnail and stops ticking until next season.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Nick Johnson has been injured so many times I’m beginning to suspect he’s on steroids.

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