With crowds watching the Jumbotron in Times Square, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced that the 2014 Super Bowl has been awarded to “the great City of New York. And by that I mean East Rutherford, New Jersey.”
The announcement brought a sight of relief from New York’s (and East Rutherford, New Jersey’s) thousands of prostitutes.
“The ’90s were great for us” said one prostitute. “We had the Democratic Convention twice. And then we had the Republican Convention. Politicians are some of our best customers. But since then business has been fallen off. I’ve taken to hanging around schoolyards trying to hook up with teachers who haven’t been lucky enough to score with their students.”
One factor that weighed heavily in New York (and by that I mean New Jersey) not getting the Super Bowl before has been the cold weather in the northeast in February. Said one NFL official:
The half time show was a concern. Some of these old people don’t respond well to the elements. Pete Seeger turned us down and Phil Ochs is already dead but Bob Dylan said he’d do it after we assured him that heated blankets would be available. Also a masseuse will vigorously rub him down between songs while vodka is poured down his throat. Hopefully these precautions will keep him alive during the show. Also a defibrillator and emergency technicians will be standing by in case of heart stoppage.
Security for the 2014 Super Bowl will be extra tight. Those lucky enough to get a ticket will have to show up 18 hours before game time. Upon arrival they will be herded into “security detainment centers” where they will be x-rayed. After the x-ray they will be stripped naked and subjected to a severe and excruciatingly thorough body cavity search. After this they will be whipped by a dominatrix. When asked how the whipping would enhance security an employee at the new Meadowlands Stadium said, “Beats me. But that’s just the way we do things in New York. And by that I mean New Jersey. Besides, she had the low bid on the contract.”
Because of the cold weather, ticket prices for the Super Bowl will be discounted.
“Ticket prices will start at $4,000 for upper level seats and go up to $25,000 for box seats” said Commissioner Goodell. “We’re proud that the average working Joe will finally be able to afford a ticket.”
When informed by a reporter that $4,000 was beyond what most people could afford Goodell said “Yeah, well, that’s just how we do things in New York. And by that I mean New Jersey. Now why don’t you be a nice boy and behave yourself, Kappish? Shame if something were to happen to you.”
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Roger Goodell then handed the reporters an orange and told him to start peeling.
The dominatrix had the low bid? What did the union have to say about that?
Yes, but imagine the costume malfunctions. Nothing like bare breasts in the frigid February air (no one plays the SB in January anymore anyway … that’s for pussies). And the won’t have to cool Joe Namath down the next time he wants to grope a reporter on the sidelines. The NFL can just dump a fifth of gin down his throat, prop him against a goalpost, and let the weather freeze him. It’ll be great for the game.
KS: God bless our beloved Commissioner.
Matt: The union objected but she gave them a smackdown.
Snarky: Joe namath: “I want to kiss you. And I’m frozen into an erect state so this is the perfect time to do it.”