Often I get asked by my many fans, “Manhattan Infidel, what is a typical day like for you?”  Okay, so technically it’s not my fans who are asking me this.

It is the police.

But in the spirit of openness I would like to share with my readers what a typical day is like for me.  Hopefully someone reading my blog will be inspired by my example.  Or become permanently damaged by what they have read.

My day starts out as I’m sure many a person’s day starts out:  I wake up at 6 AM in a cold sweat screaming “Get your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape.” After a quick check to ascertain that I am not in fact going to be used by Dr. Cornelius for experimental surgery I make myself breakfast.

After a refreshing breakfast of cold pizza and Miller Genuine Draft it is down to business. I begin by reciting this little prayer which I find helps keep me focused:

Lord give me the strength to change what I can, the strength to resist what I cannot change and the wisdom to figure out what to do with the skulls in my refrigerator.

At precisely 7:00 AM I go to my computer and check the latest news, jotting down notes on anything that catches my interest.   After a half hour of reading the latest headlines I divide my  notes into three categories:

1. Definite blog topic
2. Possible blog topic
3. Where the hell is my concubine?

From 7:30 to 9 AM I curl into a fetal position and weep uncontrollably.  Occasionally I’ll shout “Treat Williams you bastard!”

At 9 I put on clothes (preferably male)  and leave my apartment.  I walk to the corner deli and buy cigarettes, condoms and soap.  Then I tell the woman behind the counter that “she’d make a good concubine.”

Back at my place I call the New York Post and ask to speak to their entertainment reporter.  I tell him that “Treat Williams has given me gonorrhea.  Again.”  I then hang up (let them worry about it.)

From 9:30 to 12:00 I work on my blog.  I stop writing when the Demerol wears off.

At 12 I head to Fitzgerald’s Pub for a nutritious lunch of chicken tenders and beer.  After my eighth pint I grab the bartender by the collar and say “You know where my concubine is don’t you?  She’s with Treat Williams isn’t she?” Having not received a satisfactory answer I curl into a fetal position and weep.  Occasionally I’ll shout “Treat Williams you bastard!”

Back at my place once again I work on my blog from 3 to 7 PM.  I stop writing when the Demerol wears off.

From 7 to 11 PM I watch television next to the roaring fireplace, which in itself is kind of odd since I don’t own a television nor have a fireplace.

At 11 PM I prepare myself for bed by reciting this prayer:

Lord give me the strength to change what I can, the strength to resist what I cannot change and the wisdom to hunt down Treat Williams and punish him for taking my concubine.

And there you have it readers.  A typical day in the life of the Manhattan Infidel.  May my example help you.

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