27 Dec 10

My Exclusive Interview With a Vampire

A typical New York City vampire talks about his lifeAs most people are aware, vampires are all the rage at the moment.  From TV series like the Vampire Diaries to the Twilight movie franchise vampires have transformed themselves in the public eye from the evil, dark bloodsuckers of yore to the modern, sensitive dream date for women.  But is this just Hollywood fantasy?  What is day to day living like for an actual vampire?  I was lucky enough to sit down with one of the many vampires in New York City and we discussed such issues.

MI:  Thank you for meeting with me.

Dave the Vampire:  Yeah.  Whatever.  Do you mind if I smoke?

MI:  Actually I –

Dave the Vampire:  Bite me.  I’m smoking.

MI:  Okay.  So vampires.  Is the vampire life as glamorous as Hollywood makes it out to be?

Dave the Vampire:  Hollywood.  What a bunch of liars.  There’s nothing fun or glamorous about my life.  You think it’s fun being undead?  Think about it.  We are dead.  Blood does not course through our veins.  That means no blood rushing to extremities and that means no erections.

MI:  I haven’t thought about that.  Tough break.

Dave the Vampire:   Yeah.  So I get to spend eternity not having sex.  It’s like a Saturday night in Bayonne.

MI:  But you are compensated in other ways aren’t you?  Any special powers?  Morphing into other animals?  Things like that?

Dave the Vampire:  Special powers?  None.

MI:  None?  There must be some powers you’ve gained since you’ve become undead?

Dave the Vampire:    I don’t know.  I’m pretty good at crossword puzzles.

MI:  Well that’s something!

Dave the Vampire:  And my sense of smell is pretty developed.

MI:  There you go!

Dave the Vampire:  Yeah but I share an apartment with two other vampires.  There are some things you don’t want to smell, like our laundry hamper.  And don’t get me started on the refrigerator.  We have lots of old cheese in there and it’s turning to mold quicker than Sharon Stone’s face.

MI:  So all in all you don’t like your advanced sense of smell?

Dave the Vampire:  I’d rather be able to fly or turn into a bat.  Something sexy.  Smell?  Don’t get me started.  It’s the utility infielder of senses.  Let’s here it for smell people.  He’s plucky.

MI:  Okay.  Moving along.  How did you become an vampire?

Dave the Vampire:  I answered an ad on Craigslist.  Something about full time job with great benefits and lifetime employment.  I thought it was with IBM.  Yeah, do I have egg on my face.  So I meet with the guy and he starts biting my neck.  I haven’t let a guy suck on my neck since I went to that Twisted Sister concert in the ’80s.

MI:  What happens when vampires see daylight?  Do you turn to dust?

Dave the Vampire:  Nah.  That’s another thing Hollywood got wrong.

MI:  What happens then?

Dave the Vampire:  We turn into Yahoo Serious – you know, that Australian comedian.  It’s painful and embarrassing.  Which is why most of us prefer to work nights.

MI:  So vampires have jobs just like the living?

Dave the Vampire:  What? Did you think we were all independently wealthy Eastern Europeans with our own castles?

MI:  What kind of jobs do vampires have?

Dave the Vampire:  At nights our options are limited.  Some of us are security guards.  Some work in delis cutting flowers and double bagging for the customers.  I work at a help desk.

MI:  Wow.  I never would have guessed.

Dave the Vampire: Look my shift is about to start and if I’m late again my boss will get really pissed.

MI:  Okay.  We can continue this at another time if you’d like.

Dave the Vampire:  Yeah sure.  It’ll be the highlight of my undeadness jerk.

What a bitter vampire!  Anyway I will have more with my interview with a vampire in future posts.

(650)

9 Comments
Filed in The dark side of popular culture
  Posted by
23 Dec 10

Have a Sheryl Crow Christmas!

One ply, two buttcheeks - it’s for the planet!With the holiday season upon us, let us set our sites on Hollywood, where environmental activists are celebrating the season without sacrificing their principles.

Representative of Hollywood’s courage is the “One Ply Two Butt Cheeks: The Sheryl Crow Holiday Special.”   Surrounded by fans selected for their environmental awareness Miss Crow sang some of her greatest hits, with lyrics changed especially for the occasion.

“Good is good/toilet paper is bad” she sang as the audience hummed along.  After finishing the song Miss Crow explained to the TV audience that everyone in attendance was given one ply of toilet paper for bodily needs.

“Many people don’t know that when you use toilet paper the Earth screams” said Crow.  “Unlike plastic, paper is not biodegradable and it litters the planet.  Sea gulls choke to death on discarded toilet paper.”

She then bravely gave away her one strip of toilet paper and vowed to use the Evergreen holiday tree for her needs.

“Weaning people off toilet paper is doable.  Look at me!  I’ve been using trees for a decade.  From waste comes life!  Life disposes of waste!”

After the sing-a-long, Sheryl was joined on the stage by fellow environmental activists Cameron Diaz and James Cameron. Miss Diaz told of her contribution to help the environment:

Indoor plumbing is evil.  So don’t flush after every bowel movement.  I only flush the toilets in my mansion once a week.  Let your waste build up.  Your Mexican staff can cart it off.   Yes, I have Mexicans who work for me.  Unlike Arizona I love these peace-loving peoples so much I’ve hired them to be my chauffeurs, my cooks, they cut my grass.  I have a Mexican upstairs and downstairs maid.  By the way, can anyone help with this tsetse fly bite on my ass?”

Then it was James Cameron’s turn to talk about the environment. First he asked the audience how many of them were currently unemployed.  As hands were raised, he continued:

This is good.  Unemployment is good!  To save our screaming, wounded, dying planet we must stop industrial production.  You sir. You’re out of work.  Have you lost your home?  You have?  Good.  Why do you need a home?  You should be living in a mud hut eating grass, or don’t you want our planet to heal? Jesus never lived in a house made of steel or had indoor plumbing or his own personal jet, and he was the son of Zeus!

The special ended with everyone on stage singing a new song called “The 12 Days of the Holidays” that started out, “On the first day of the Holidays my true love gave to me one ply of toilet paper/On the second day of the Holidays my true love gave to me an evergreen tree to wipe my butt…..”

Crow, Diaz and Cameron are so excited by the response to their special that they plan to take it on the road.  A private jet dubbed “Air Force One Ply One” will take them around the globe spreading the message of environmental awareness and anti-industrialization activism.

Look for them in a town near you.  But don’t drive a car to the show.  Please walk or use a donkey for transit.

(444)

4 Comments
Filed in Global warming
  Posted by
22 Dec 10

Corrections and Amplifications

Whoops!!!!!!!! Sorry about that.Here at the World Wide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel we are proud, justifiably so, of our excellent track record in bringing facts, and only the facts, to our readers.  However, due to budget constraints and an otherwise bad economy we have had to let our fact checker go.  (It was either the fact checker or the secretary with the insatiable sexual  appetite.) Conscience-bound, we now take the opportunity to clear up a few mistakes that have appeared in this blog.

  1. New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is in fact a warm-blooded mammal.  We are sorry for writing that he is a “cold-blooded lizard-like puss-filled abominable stench on the body politic, a fascist, inhuman, arrogant sodium swilling hypocrite who thinks the electorate work for him, a crooked ground zero mosque loving ass who loves term limits (except when they apply to him.)  Upon further fact checking we have discovered that Mayor Bloomberg is not filled with puss and is actually an animatronic Walt Disney creation that has achieved consciousness.  We apologize for the mistake.
  2. Boston is part of the United States.  We wrote that Boston is “somewhere in the lower rungs of Hell, where the damned go to be impaled, flayed, cut open and roasted for all eternity.”  Upon further fact checking we have discovered that Boston is in fact the lowest circle of Hell and is nothing more than Satan’s feces. (How else do you explain the Red Sox.) We apologize for the error.
  3. An item in Manhattan Infidel incorrectly stated that Michael Jordon is “a basketball player and former black man.” He is in fact a former basketball player and a Romulan.  We apologize for the error.
  4. I incorrectly mentioned that the United States is composed of 50 states.  Our President Barack Obama has said that there are 57 states in the Union.  While I still believe there are 50, President Obama has been declared infallible in matters of faith and doctrine by the media and I must defer to his judgment.
  5. An item in Manhattan Infidel incorrectly stated that popular talk show “The View” is hosted by women.  Upon further fact checking we have now come to believe that it is hosted by flesh eating bacteria.  We apologize for misleading our readers.

And there you have it.  A sample of the errors that have graced the pages of Manhattan Infidel.  We hope to improve our record in the future.  Note:  The Manhattan Infidel is looking to hire a fact checker with an insatiable sexual appetite.  If you are a fact checker with an insatiable sexual appetite or know of one, please send an email to webmaster@manhattaninfidel.com  We are an equal opportunity employer.  As long as you are under 25.  And blond.  And like to dress up as a nurse, french maid or cop.

(403)

4 Comments
Filed in General insanity
  Posted by
21 Dec 10

300: The Director's Cut

Let’s get the hell out of here!Recently I bought the director’s cut DVD of the popular movie “300.”  And I must say that the differences between the director’s cut and the original release enabled me to have a new interpretation of that movie, an interpretation I feel modern man can relate to.  I shall now highlight a few instances from the movie and how the director’s cut differs.  The reader can make their own judgments.

Scene I:  King Leonidis and his troops are preparing to leave Sparta and he is saying goodbye to Queen Gorgo:

Queen Gorgo:  Spartan.

King Leonidas:  Yes, my lady?

Queen Gorgo:  Come back with your shield.  Or on it.

Now many find this call to martyrdom hard to relate to.  However, the director’s cut of the scene has a much different emphasis:

Queen Gorgo:  Come back with your shield.  Or on it. (She leaves.)

King Leonidas: Thanks for the motivational speech.  (Under his breath)  Bitch!

Queen Gorgo:  (Off camera) What did you say?

King Leonidas:  Nothing…….honey.  Love you! (She throws a rock at him.)  Oh Oh.  She’ PO’d.  Flee!  Flee Spartans flee!  (They run away.)

Now the director’s cut version of the scene clearly shows why King Leonidas and the Spartans were so eager to embrace death:  They were married.  Modern man can relate.

In another scene King Leonidas is about to throw his spear at King Xerxes:

Dilios:  His shield was heavy.  It threw him off balance.  And his target is far away. (Leonidas throws his spear at King Xerxes.)

Compare that with the director’s cut:

Dilios:  His shield was heavy.  His target was far away.  And he had just blown his elbow out.

King Leonidas:  My ulnar collateral ligament on my elbow has become torn from the repetitive stress from throwing all these spears.  I can’t even lift my arm.

Dilios:  What about Tommy John surgery?

King Leonidas:  I don’t have insurance.  I guess I’ll have to be content with wounding Xerxes with my razor sharp wit.  Hey Xerxes!  Go home you bad bad Persian!

The director’s cut clearly shows the price any nation pays because of rising medical costs.  If only the Spartans had universal, public option heath insurance they might have won the battle.

And finally there is the scene where King Leonidas meets the messenger of Xerxes in Sparta:

King Leonidas:  Submission.  Well, that’s a bit of a problem.  See, rumor has it the Athenians have already turned you down.  And if those philosophers and boy lovers have found that kind of nerve!

The director’s cut has a modern and timely thrust to it:

King Leonidas:  Submission.  Well, that’s a bit of a problem.  See, rumor has it the Athenians have already turned you down. And if those philosophers and boy lovers –

Spartan soldier:  Where are the boys?

King Leonidas:  Um.  Athens.

Spartan soldier:  It’s on to Athens for the boys!  Let’s go! (The soldiers leave while chanting, “Boys!  Boys!  Boys!”)

King Leonidas:  See what happens when they repeal Don’t Ask Don’t Tell?

I recommend all  my readers pick up the director’s cut DVD. It amazingly echoes many of today’s current events.

(728)

7 Comments
Filed in The dark side of popular culture
  Posted by
20 Dec 10

Rebuffed by Cliff Lee, Yankees Look Elsewhere for Starting Pitching

Look at that delivery! This man might pitch in the majorsYankee General Manager Brian Cashman waited by the phone, 100 million dollars burning a hole in his pocket.  But when the call did come it was not the news he wanted to hear.  Cliff Lee, top prize of the off season free agent sweepstakes had decided to sign with the Philadelphia Phillies.

“Naturally I was disappointed” said Cashman.  “Not as disappointed as I was when I had to kill that kid in Double A who knew about the  bodies in my crawlspace but still disappointed.  Did I mention my crawlspace?  I did?  You should probably forget about that.”

It was then, in a fortuitous moment, that Cashman looked at his TV.  CNN was covering the rioting in Europe caused by the financial crisis.  What he saw encouraged him.

Those kids who were rioting.  I mean, wow.  When they started throwing rocks at the policemen I said  “Look at those arms!”  They were throwing rocks fast and on target.  The policemen were going down quicker than the last prostitute I buried in my crawlspace.  Did I mention my crawlspace again?  I did?  You should probably forget about that.

Cashman quickly dispatched assistants to Europe to sign up the most promising rioters.  Once the rioters were located they were asked to fill out a discovery questionnaire containing questions such as:

  1. Have you ever watched a baseball game?
  2. Would you like a guaranteed 7-year 130 million dollar contract to work every 5 days?
  3. Would you be willing to learn to throw a cutter?  A two-seam fastball?  A sinker?
  4. Do you enjoy showering with 25 other men?
  5. Do you have any bodies in your crawlspace?  If so, where do you put them when you run out of space?  I’ve tried taking an axe to my garage floor but the cops would just notice the new cement job over the hole.

Based on the results of the questionnaire, “we disqualified anyone who wouldn’t learn a cutter or who answered ‘No’ to question 5″ the Yankees have announced the signing of two Greeks and a Spaniard to round out their rotation for 2011.

“Two Greeks and a Spaniard” said Cashman.  “Sounds like what’s in my crawlspace.  Dammit.  Did I mention my crawlspace again? You should probably forget about that.”

With the signings the Yankees have firmly placed themselves as the favorites over the Boston Red Sox in the American League East in 2011 and beyond.

“Theo Epstein.  I bet he’s got nothing in his crawlspace – the punk!” Cashman told confused reporters.

(622)

9 Comments
Filed in Yankees
  Posted by
17 Dec 10

The Manhattan Infidel's Guide to Surving the Holiday Office Party

Your raise is in my lap my dear!It is that time of year again.  Wrapping presents.  Egg nog.  Setting up lights outside your house.  And, of course, the Holiday office party.

Times have changed since the freewheeling days of the 1990s.  Why yours truly remembers one office party where I brought my secretary into my office, closed the door and told her that her raise was “in my lap.”  And a month later when my secretary tearfully informed me that she was pregnant I had one of the boys from the mailroom kill her. You could do that then. It was all in good fun.

But now things are very politically correct.  People don’t quite know how to act at holiday office parties anymore.  So as a service to my readers I now present my guide to safe, legal and accepted behavior at your office party.

  • Remember that the party is an extension of the office.  Please behave accordingly.  By that I mean many states have strict laws regulating firearms.  If you are going to kill your boss a knife is preferable.  Also remember that if you are going to cut out your boss’s heart and eat it at the party while exclaiming “When the grey hair is dead, I will eat his heart. Before the grey hair dies I will put his children under the knife so the grey hair will know that his seed is wiped out forever!‘ you may offend the many vegans in attendance.  I suggest putting the heart in a freezer and eating it later.  Or if you prefer not to cut out his heart you can always have one of the boys from the mailroom kill him.
  • It is not a good idea to text pictures of your junk to the hot intern from accounting.  However, if you insist on doing this always remind her beforehand that you are powerful and a man and she is just a woman.  If she still objects to your junk you can always have one of the boys from the mailroom kill her.
  • Sexual overtures should be kept to a minimum.  However, if you want to show off your custom made “Italian fully retractable sex chair with suction grip and optional holes for animals” that you have in your office that is fine.  Also, inform any woman you bring into your office that having your sex act filmed and put on the internet is commonplace nowadays and something all hip people do.  Also inform them that they should be honored to get VD from “the man who got VD from Courtney Love.”  If they object you can always have one of the boys from the mailroom kill them.
  • Do not drink alcohol in excess at office parties as it may inhibit your sexual performance.  Remember, you bought that butt plug for a reason.
  • Jokes at the expense of minorities are definitely not to be told.  Unless they are about Puerto Ricans.  Remember, jokes are fine but they will cut into the time you could be spending in your office on the Italian fully retractable sex chair with suction grip and optional holes for animals.

And there you have it readers.  Just follow my advice and enjoy your holiday party or I’ll have one of the boys from the mailroom kill you.

(581)

6 Comments
Filed in General insanity
  Posted by
16 Dec 10

No Labels Party Builds Momentum

No more labels - unless you don’t agree with usThe surprising phenomena known as the “No Labels” party is in the process of sweeping the nation.  In almost all of the 57 states of the Union citizens from every stripe of the liberal wing of the Democratic party have banded together to say “No more!” to partisan bickering from Republicans and their allies in the KKK and the Boy Scouts of America.

“I see an America that is being torn apart by partisan divisions” said Lisa Borders, one of the founders of the No Labels movement.  “Every day what we want done for America is being stopped by Republicans.  It is time for us in the progressive movement to temporarily hide our label so people will support us.”

The “No Labels” anthem, sung by Akon blared in the background.

“We wanted Seal. You know, the guy married to Heidi Klum to write the anthem but he wasn’t available.  So we hired Akon. It’s just as well.  He has no talent anyway so he was cheaper.  People with no talent are always cheaper, unless they work for MSNBC” said Borders.  New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg then took the stage to talk about what the No Label party hoped to accomplish:

Did our founding fathers want a land where people from opposite ends of the political spectrum fight for their beliefs?  I do not think so.  They wanted what I want.  The will of one person.  They wanted, if you will, a king-like personage who would who would have the best interests of his subjects at heart.  I myself might run for President on the No Labels party so it’s only fair that I tell you what I believe in.  I want what all billionaires want:  the money of the middle class redistributed to those with lower incomes. I want an America where people will do what I want.  Eat what I tell them to eat.  Drink what I tell them to drink.  And without partisan bickering!  Without being labeled as “intrusive meddlers” by those who oppose me.

Bloomberg left the stage to chants of “Bloomberg in 2012,”  “Bloomberg!  No labels!  No partisan opposition.  No sodium!” and “Bloomberg!  No devil dogs in school vending machines!”

Borders closed the rally by mentioning that the party platform of the No Labels party is now available online.

“It’s important for people to see that by believing in the progressive agenda we are not labeling ourselves.”

Also available on the party’s website will be “No Labels” badges.

“Those not wearing the No Labels badge we will label as our political enemies.”

Akon hopes the anthem he wrote will be a springboard to bigger and better things.

“I’m having a hard time paying the rent because I suck, you know.”

(467)

6 Comments
Filed in Politics
  Posted by
15 Dec 10

My Exclusive Interview with Santa Claus

Santa agrees: It’s all about product placementRecently I had the opportunity to sit down with Mr. Chris Kringle, aka, Santa Claus.  I was thankful for the opportunity to interview this beloved character during the height of his busy season.

MI:  Let me start off by thanking you for allowing me to interview you.  Do you prefer to be called Santa or Chris  Kringle?

Santa:  They’re both just show biz names I use.  My real name is Jake O’Hara. So all my friends call me Jake.  It’s like Ringo – I bet his friends probably call him Ritchie.

MI:  Christmas is just around the corner.  You must be pretty busy.

Santa:  Actually not as much as I used to be.  Everything is computerized now.  It makes life so much easier.  I have databases of all the children and I can check school records and police reports online to see if they’ve been good.

MI: What’s the percentage of kids, on average, that are good.

Santa:  It’s usually about 65- 70%.  Except for New Jersey of course.  Only 25% of the kids in that state are good.  I blame the Sopranos.

MI:  What do you like best about your job?

Santa:  Honestly?  It has to be the MILFs.  I meet a lot of MILFs on Christmas eve. I mean a lot.  I probably get more action that night than Derek Jeter gets all year.

MI:  Doesn’t Mrs. Claus object?

Santa:  Look.  Mrs. Claus.  God bless her.  A wonderful woman.  A provider.  A soul mate.  But we have an agreement.  What happens on Christmas stays on Christmas.

MI:  What are some of the most unusual things that have happened to you on Christmas eve?

Santa:  The North Koreans try to shoot me down once.  That kind of pissed me off.  So now every year I fly right up to the edge of their air space and the reindeer take turns flashing their junk to the fighter jets.  Eat reindeer junk commies!

MI:  Your mission statement is to give toys to gentile boys and girls.  Have you ever tried expanding?

Santa:  Sure. Sure.  Well, the Jews have Hanukkah Harry so one year I tried bringing toys to Muslim boys and girls.  Big mistake.  The first house I went to turned out to be a suicide bomber.  Blew Rudolph’s red nose right off.  So screw the Muslims.  Never again.

MI:  You have a product placement deal with Coke.  Tell me about that.

Santa:  Coke has been very good to me.  They offset a lot of my costs.  All I have to do in return is have myself photographed drinking coke and leave coke for the kids.

MI:  This year there is controversy about the Coke.

Santa:  Yeah, the food police have their panties in a bunch.   Michelle Obama and Mayor Bloomberg want me to leave green tea or orange juice.  I would if they paid me.

MI: What will you do?

Santa:  I’ll probably leave cigarettes for both of them.  Maybe cigarettes and bacon.

MI:  You seem happy.

Santa:  I am.  What’s not to like about my life.  I work one day a year, travel around the world and –

MI: MILFs?

Santa:  Oh yeah.  MILF City baby.  When I come down that chimney you bet I’ll have a stocking stuffer for you honey.

MI:  I thank you for your time.

Santa:  Oh, I almost forgot – do you still want that inflatable doll? The one with the wide open mouth and lifelike sucking action?

MI:  Um, we’ll talk about that later.

Again, I thank Santa for his time and wish all my readers a Merry Christmas this year.

(822)

11 Comments
Filed in General insanity
  Posted by
14 Dec 10

Hello America! A Holiday Greeting from the House Democrats

Your House of Representatives - looking out for you!

House of Representatives

Democratic Caucus

Capitol Hill

Washington D.C.

To all Americans:

The holidays are upon us again.  We wish a happy Hanukkah to the Palestinians, Merry Kwanzaa to our oppressed African brethen and to Christians we say enjoy your holiday but don’t think of putting a manger scene on public land!  That would be racist.

As you are aware a lot has happened since the last time we spoke.  An election was held last month in which our party (the party of the people) was defeated.  How can this be?  We are the party of the common man and our representatives flew around the country on private jets, shutting down towns to get their message across.

Our message of higher taxes (for the living and the dead), centralization of every facet of life, government takeovers of business, suing evil states like Arizona and higher taxes for the living and the dead (we already mentioned that? Well, it’s an  important plank of our program) was soundly rejected by voters.  Since our program is a moral one (as opposed to those evil Republican hostage takers) we will try harder in the future to get our message across.

Indoctrination, we mean message building, begins with the young.  Accordingly, message-builders will be sent to all elementary schools across this  great (but deeply flawed and inherently racist) land to talk about the morality of wealth redistribution (for the living and the dead), government takeovers and how those making over $250,000 a year are evil.  EVIL!  EVIL!!! Imagine the nerve of some Americans wanting to give the bulk of their money to their children.  Your children have no right to your money!  It rightly belongs to the Government to redistribute as we see fit.

The Republicans want Americans to keep their money.  We, the House Democrats cannot begin to explain the utter horror and revulsion that this makes us feel.  Imagine the nerve of those Republicans trying to extend existing tax rates!  Governments were instituted by East Coast elites (many with respectable Harvard educations) to control a rabble-like populace.  If it weren’t for the money generated by higher taxes and estates taxes we would not be able to control you.  You had a tempter tantrum in 1994.  You had one last  month.  If it wasn’t for us giving you stuff this would happen more often and lead to chaos.

Remember, we the House Democrats only have your best interests at heart.  And we would like to hear from you (except at Town Hall meetings where many of you acted in a disrespectful manner to your Federal officials who by rights rule over you.)  We would also like to hear from you via email.  But keep in mind due to space contraints any emails containing the phrases, “lower taxes,” “lifelong Democrat now voting Republican,” “Sara Palin,” “Town Hall meeting” or “Release the Chakras home boy!” will be flagged as spam and deleted.  Also, a secret service agent will arrive at your residence to redistribute your furniture.

Again,  we House Democrats wish you and yours a very merry Holiday season! (Except if you live in Arizona you racist bastards!)

(491)

5 Comments
Filed in Politics
  Posted by
13 Dec 10

Justice Department Settles Lawsuit Against Charles Townsend Detective Agency

An example of Charles Townsend’s discriminating hiring policiesThe Justice Department has reached a settlement in its long-standing dispute with the Charles Townsend Detective Agency (known locally as “Charlie’s Angels”).

The lawsuit, (U.S. vs. Charles Townsend Agency) was designed to open up the hiring practices of Townsend, which had come under fire after complaints that he only hired young, nubile women.

“Seriously.  Who was complaining?” said the reclusive Mr. Townsend in a statement.  “Certainly not the people who had to look at my lovely and, may I add, competent detectives.”

When the lawsuit was first filed Townsend, in an attempt to accommodate the Feds, tried changing his hiring practices. Accordingly he hired a black man by the name of Cornelius Brown.

“I thought it would work out” said Townsend’s assistant John Bosley. “He did have experience as a security guard. Besides, it was either hire him or an Irishman.  And I didn’t want to do that again.  I hired an Irishman once and he kept telling me to ‘piss off’ when I gave him an assignment.”

Instead Brown was fired after two weeks.  Bosley points out to friction between Brown and the other angels and mentions two incidents in  particular.

In the morning we’d meet in my office to get our assignment from Charlie.  The other angels would say things like ‘Hi Charlie‘ or ‘Good morning Charlie.’   Brown kept calling him ‘Whitey.‘  On another occasion he took the little white speaker in my office that we’d listen to Charlie on and he crushed it in his hands saying ‘That’s what the Man has done to my people.’  So I had to let him go.

After Brown was let go Bosley hired a native American named Chief Wild Eagle from the Hekawi tribe.

I never heard of the Hekawi tribe but he seemed like a pleasant enough fellow.  I had to let him go because he kept insisting on a 50/50 split on the Agency’s profits.  He said he had the same deal at his last job with O’Rourke Enterprises.

Burned by these bad experiences, The Charles Townsend Agency has decided to settle with the Feds.  In return for keeping its roster of attractive young detectives the Agency will have to pay a $100,000 fine.  Also, the woman detectives, when confronting criminals will have to apologize for their breasts and remind the suspects that diversity is what makes America great.

“It’s not a great deal” said Bosley “But it’s the best we can get.  I just hope they will leave us alone now so we can continue fighting crime.”

(399)

3 Comments
Filed in The dark side of popular culture
  Posted by

« Older Posts

Newer Posts »

Manhattan Infidel is powered by WordPress using theme Tribune