My Exclusive Interview With a Vampire

A typical New York City vampire talks about his lifeAs most people are aware, vampires are all the rage at the moment.  From TV series like the Vampire Diaries to the Twilight movie franchise vampires have transformed themselves in the public eye from the evil, dark bloodsuckers of yore to the modern, sensitive dream date for women.  But is this just Hollywood fantasy?  What is day to day living like for an actual vampire?  I was lucky enough to sit down with one of the many vampires in New York City and we discussed such issues.

MI:  Thank you for meeting with me.

Dave the Vampire:  Yeah.  Whatever.  Do you mind if I smoke?

MI:  Actually I –

Dave the Vampire:  Bite me.  I’m smoking.

MI:  Okay.  So vampires.  Is the vampire life as glamorous as Hollywood makes it out to be?

Dave the Vampire:  Hollywood.  What a bunch of liars.  There’s nothing fun or glamorous about my life.  You think it’s fun being undead?  Think about it.  We are dead.  Blood does not course through our veins.  That means no blood rushing to extremities and that means no erections.

MI:  I haven’t thought about that.  Tough break.

Dave the Vampire:   Yeah.  So I get to spend eternity not having sex.  It’s like a Saturday night in Bayonne.

MI:  But you are compensated in other ways aren’t you?  Any special powers?  Morphing into other animals?  Things like that?

Dave the Vampire:  Special powers?  None.

MI:  None?  There must be some powers you’ve gained since you’ve become undead?

Dave the Vampire:    I don’t know.  I’m pretty good at crossword puzzles.

MI:  Well that’s something!

Dave the Vampire:  And my sense of smell is pretty developed.

MI:  There you go!

Dave the Vampire:  Yeah but I share an apartment with two other vampires.  There are some things you don’t want to smell, like our laundry hamper.  And don’t get me started on the refrigerator.  We have lots of old cheese in there and it’s turning to mold quicker than Sharon Stone’s face.

MI:  So all in all you don’t like your advanced sense of smell?

Dave the Vampire:  I’d rather be able to fly or turn into a bat.  Something sexy.  Smell?  Don’t get me started.  It’s the utility infielder of senses.  Let’s here it for smell people.  He’s plucky.

MI:  Okay.  Moving along.  How did you become an vampire?

Dave the Vampire:  I answered an ad on Craigslist.  Something about full time job with great benefits and lifetime employment.  I thought it was with IBM.  Yeah, do I have egg on my face.  So I meet with the guy and he starts biting my neck.  I haven’t let a guy suck on my neck since I went to that Twisted Sister concert in the ’80s.

MI:  What happens when vampires see daylight?  Do you turn to dust?

Dave the Vampire:  Nah.  That’s another thing Hollywood got wrong.

MI:  What happens then?

Dave the Vampire:  We turn into Yahoo Serious – you know, that Australian comedian.  It’s painful and embarrassing.  Which is why most of us prefer to work nights.

MI:  So vampires have jobs just like the living?

Dave the Vampire:  What? Did you think we were all independently wealthy Eastern Europeans with our own castles?

MI:  What kind of jobs do vampires have?

Dave the Vampire:  At nights our options are limited.  Some of us are security guards.  Some work in delis cutting flowers and double bagging for the customers.  I work at a help desk.

MI:  Wow.  I never would have guessed.

Dave the Vampire: Look my shift is about to start and if I’m late again my boss will get really pissed.

MI:  Okay.  We can continue this at another time if you’d like.

Dave the Vampire:  Yeah sure.  It’ll be the highlight of my undeadness jerk.

What a bitter vampire!  Anyway I will have more with my interview with a vampire in future posts.


9 Responses

  1. “So I get to spend eternity not having sex. It’s like a Saturday night in Bayonne.”

    So so true.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: Actually that pretty much describes most of my saturday nights.

  3. innominatus says:

    My sense of smell hit .202 and had 3 RBI last year before getting sent down to AAA. As for modern Hollywood vampires, I think most of them are catchers. IYKWIM.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn. You may be right.

  5. MK says:

    “Did you think we were all independently wealthy Eastern Europeans with our own castles?”


    Good one, where do you come up with this stuff. Well done.

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Thanks MK. You have a great blog. Keep up the good work!

  7. Mark says:

    Did you meet him at a Help Desk convention?

  8. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Mark: Definitely not. No self-respecting hotel would agree to host such lowlifes.

  9. Matthew says:

    Awesome. Happy new year

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