With the holiday season upon us, let us set our sites on Hollywood, where environmental activists are celebrating the season without sacrificing their principles.

Representative of Hollywood’s courage is the “One Ply Two Butt Cheeks: The Sheryl Crow Holiday Special.”   Surrounded by fans selected for their environmental awareness Miss Crow sang some of her greatest hits, with lyrics changed especially for the occasion.

“Good is good/toilet paper is bad” she sang as the audience hummed along.  After finishing the song Miss Crow explained to the TV audience that everyone in attendance was given one ply of toilet paper for bodily needs.

“Many people don’t know that when you use toilet paper the Earth screams” said Crow.  “Unlike plastic, paper is not biodegradable and it litters the planet.  Sea gulls choke to death on discarded toilet paper.”

She then bravely gave away her one strip of toilet paper and vowed to use the Evergreen holiday tree for her needs.

“Weaning people off toilet paper is doable.  Look at me!  I’ve been using trees for a decade.  From waste comes life!  Life disposes of waste!”

After the sing-a-long, Sheryl was joined on the stage by fellow environmental activists Cameron Diaz and James Cameron. Miss Diaz told of her contribution to help the environment:

Indoor plumbing is evil.  So don’t flush after every bowel movement.  I only flush the toilets in my mansion once a week.  Let your waste build up.  Your Mexican staff can cart it off.   Yes, I have Mexicans who work for me.  Unlike Arizona I love these peace-loving peoples so much I’ve hired them to be my chauffeurs, my cooks, they cut my grass.  I have a Mexican upstairs and downstairs maid.  By the way, can anyone help with this tsetse fly bite on my ass?”

Then it was James Cameron’s turn to talk about the environment. First he asked the audience how many of them were currently unemployed.  As hands were raised, he continued:

This is good.  Unemployment is good!  To save our screaming, wounded, dying planet we must stop industrial production.  You sir. You’re out of work.  Have you lost your home?  You have?  Good.  Why do you need a home?  You should be living in a mud hut eating grass, or don’t you want our planet to heal? Jesus never lived in a house made of steel or had indoor plumbing or his own personal jet, and he was the son of Zeus!

The special ended with everyone on stage singing a new song called “The 12 Days of the Holidays” that started out, “On the first day of the Holidays my true love gave to me one ply of toilet paper/On the second day of the Holidays my true love gave to me an evergreen tree to wipe my butt…..”

Crow, Diaz and Cameron are so excited by the response to their special that they plan to take it on the road.  A private jet dubbed “Air Force One Ply One” will take them around the globe spreading the message of environmental awareness and anti-industrialization activism.

Look for them in a town near you.  But don’t drive a car to the show.  Please walk or use a donkey for transit.

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