Rebuffed by Cliff Lee, Yankees Look Elsewhere for Starting Pitching

Look at that delivery!  This man might pitch in the majorsYankee General Manager Brian Cashman waited by the phone, 100 million dollars burning a hole in his pocket.  But when the call did come it was not the news he wanted to hear.  Cliff Lee, top prize of the off season free agent sweepstakes had decided to sign with the Philadelphia Phillies.

“Naturally I was disappointed” said Cashman.  “Not as disappointed as I was when I had to kill that kid in Double A who knew about the  bodies in my crawlspace but still disappointed.  Did I mention my crawlspace?  I did?  You should probably forget about that.”

It was then, in a fortuitous moment, that Cashman looked at his TV.  CNN was covering the rioting in Europe caused by the financial crisis.  What he saw encouraged him.

Those kids who were rioting.  I mean, wow.  When they started throwing rocks at the policemen I said  “Look at those arms!”  They were throwing rocks fast and on target.  The policemen were going down quicker than the last prostitute I buried in my crawlspace.  Did I mention my crawlspace again?  I did?  You should probably forget about that.

Cashman quickly dispatched assistants to Europe to sign up the most promising rioters.  Once the rioters were located they were asked to fill out a discovery questionnaire containing questions such as:

  1. Have you ever watched a baseball game?
  2. Would you like a guaranteed 7-year 130 million dollar contract to work every 5 days?
  3. Would you be willing to learn to throw a cutter?  A two-seam fastball?  A sinker?
  4. Do you enjoy showering with 25 other men?
  5. Do you have any bodies in your crawlspace?  If so, where do you put them when you run out of space?  I’ve tried taking an axe to my garage floor but the cops would just notice the new cement job over the hole.

Based on the results of the questionnaire, “we disqualified anyone who wouldn’t learn a cutter or who answered ‘No’ to question 5″ the Yankees have announced the signing of two Greeks and a Spaniard to round out their rotation for 2011.

“Two Greeks and a Spaniard” said Cashman.  “Sounds like what’s in my crawlspace.  Dammit.  Did I mention my crawlspace again? You should probably forget about that.

With the signings the Yankees have firmly placed themselves as the favorites over the Boston Red Sox in the American League East in 2011 and beyond.

“Theo Epstein.  I bet he’s got nothing in his crawlspace – the punk!” Cashman told confused reporters.



9 Responses

  1. Look, the Yanks have got to be smart and go outside the box if they want to find pitching talent. If a teenaged Greek socialist rioter protesting a .000002 percent college tuition increase is the only answer, so be it.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    If only the sports reporters in New York and on ESPN were as wise as you Shamus.

  3. The Jungers says:

    The answer to your hooker problem is that attic keep them in there as insulation and then build a massive oven to cremate the extra bodies

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    TJ: Damn, you’re good.

  5. The Jungers says:

    Years of experience my friend, and I went to the “How to Hide Dead Hookers in Your House” convention.

  6. innominatus says:

    How many studly pitchers are the Phillies allowed to have? Don’t you realize, Brian, that defending the NL crown suddenly got a harder for my Giants? Thank you very little, Brian.

    Now, Brian, you are not allowed to use your last name until you actually spend some of that cash, man, on some decent free agents!

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: Break up the Phillies!

  8. Matt says:

    This blog is so educational! I now know what to do with all of those dead hookers!

  9. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: I want to be known as the education blogger.

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