House of Representatives

Democratic Caucus

Capitol Hill

Washington D.C.

To all Americans:

The holidays are upon us again.  We wish a happy Hanukkah to the Palestinians, Merry Kwanzaa to our oppressed African brethen and to Christians we say enjoy your holiday but don’t think of putting a manger scene on public land!  That would be racist.

As you are aware a lot has happened since the last time we spoke.  An election was held last month in which our party (the party of the people) was defeated.  How can this be?  We are the party of the common man and our representatives flew around the country on private jets, shutting down towns to get their message across.

Our message of higher taxes (for the living and the dead), centralization of every facet of life, government takeovers of business, suing evil states like Arizona and higher taxes for the living and the dead (we already mentioned that? Well, it’s an  important plank of our program) was soundly rejected by voters.  Since our program is a moral one (as opposed to those evil Republican hostage takers) we will try harder in the future to get our message across.

Indoctrination, we mean message building, begins with the young.  Accordingly, message-builders will be sent to all elementary schools across this  great (but deeply flawed and inherently racist) land to talk about the morality of wealth redistribution (for the living and the dead), government takeovers and how those making over $250,000 a year are evil.  EVIL!  EVIL!!! Imagine the nerve of some Americans wanting to give the bulk of their money to their children.  Your children have no right to your money!  It rightly belongs to the Government to redistribute as we see fit.

The Republicans want Americans to keep their money.  We, the House Democrats cannot begin to explain the utter horror and revulsion that this makes us feel.  Imagine the nerve of those Republicans trying to extend existing tax rates!  Governments were instituted by East Coast elites (many with respectable Harvard educations) to control a rabble-like populace.  If it weren’t for the money generated by higher taxes and estates taxes we would not be able to control you.  You had a tempter tantrum in 1994.  You had one last  month.  If it wasn’t for us giving you stuff this would happen more often and lead to chaos.

Remember, we the House Democrats only have your best interests at heart.  And we would like to hear from you (except at Town Hall meetings where many of you acted in a disrespectful manner to your Federal officials who by rights rule over you.)  We would also like to hear from you via email.  But keep in mind due to space contraints any emails containing the phrases, “lower taxes,” “lifelong Democrat now voting Republican,” “Sara Palin,” “Town Hall meeting” or “Release the Chakras home boy!” will be flagged as spam and deleted.  Also, a secret service agent will arrive at your residence to redistribute your furniture.

Again,  we House Democrats wish you and yours a very merry Holiday season! (Except if you live in Arizona you racist bastards!)

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