The Manhattan Infidel's Guide to Surving the Holiday Office Party

Your raise is in my lap my dear!It is that time of year again.  Wrapping presents.  Egg nog.  Setting up lights outside your house.  And, of course, the Holiday office party.

Times have changed since the freewheeling days of the 1990s.  Why yours truly remembers one office party where I brought my secretary into my office, closed the door and told her that her raise was “in my lap.”  And a month later when my secretary tearfully informed me that she was pregnant I had one of the boys from the mailroom kill her. You could do that then. It was all in good fun.

But now things are very politically correct.  People don’t quite know how to act at holiday office parties anymore.  So as a service to my readers I now present my guide to safe, legal and accepted behavior at your office party.

  • Remember that the party is an extension of the office.  Please behave accordingly.  By that I mean many states have strict laws regulating firearms.  If you are going to kill your boss a knife is preferable.  Also remember that if you are going to cut out your boss’s heart and eat it at the party while exclaiming “When the grey hair is dead, I will eat his heart. Before the grey hair dies I will put his children under the knife so the grey hair will know that his seed is wiped out forever!‘ you may offend the many vegans in attendance.  I suggest putting the heart in a freezer and eating it later.  Or if you prefer not to cut out his heart you can always have one of the boys from the mailroom kill him.
  • It is not a good idea to text pictures of your junk to the hot intern from accounting.  However, if you insist on doing this always remind her beforehand that you are powerful and a man and she is just a woman.  If she still objects to your junk you can always have one of the boys from the mailroom kill her.
  • Sexual overtures should be kept to a minimum.  However, if you want to show off your custom made “Italian fully retractable sex chair with suction grip and optional holes for animals” that you have in your office that is fine.  Also, inform any woman you bring into your office that having your sex act filmed and put on the internet is commonplace nowadays and something all hip people do.  Also inform them that they should be honored to get VD from “the man who got VD from Courtney Love.”  If they object you can always have one of the boys from the mailroom kill them.
  • Do not drink alcohol in excess at office parties as it may inhibit your sexual performance.  Remember, you bought that butt plug for a reason.
  • Jokes at the expense of minorities are definitely not to be told.  Unless they are about Puerto Ricans.  Remember, jokes are fine but they will cut into the time you could be spending in your office on the Italian fully retractable sex chair with suction grip and optional holes for animals.

And there you have it readers.  Just follow my advice and enjoy your holiday party or I’ll have one of the boys from the mailroom kill you.


6 Responses

  1. Don’t drink alacohol at office parties.

    Stick with something safe, like crystal meth.

  2. The Jungers says:

    Crystal Meth tends to mess with my head, I’ll just stick to cocaine. Don’t forget Brett Farves rules on how to show a woman your junk.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: Alcohol will upset the puritans. Much better to stick to something illegal.

    TJ: True as always.

  4. Matt says:

    I might get fired, and/or sued just for reading this.

  5. Karen Howes says:

    Well, shoot, what’s the point of the party then???

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: I told you to bring a knife not a gun.

    KH: The purpose of the party is to feel our guilt.

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>