The Justice Department has reached a settlement in its long-standing dispute with the Charles Townsend Detective Agency (known locally as “Charlie’s Angels”).

The lawsuit, (U.S. vs. Charles Townsend Agency) was designed to open up the hiring practices of Townsend, which had come under fire after complaints that he only hired young, nubile women.

“Seriously.  Who was complaining?” said the reclusive Mr. Townsend in a statement.  “Certainly not the people who had to look at my lovely and, may I add, competent detectives.”

When the lawsuit was first filed Townsend, in an attempt to accommodate the Feds, tried changing his hiring practices. Accordingly he hired a black man by the name of Cornelius Brown.

“I thought it would work out” said Townsend’s assistant John Bosley. “He did have experience as a security guard. Besides, it was either hire him or an Irishman.  And I didn’t want to do that again.  I hired an Irishman once and he kept telling me to ‘piss off’ when I gave him an assignment.”

Instead Brown was fired after two weeks.  Bosley points out to friction between Brown and the other angels and mentions two incidents in  particular.

In the morning we’d meet in my office to get our assignment from Charlie.  The other angels would say things like ‘Hi Charlie‘ or ‘Good morning Charlie.’   Brown kept calling him ‘Whitey.‘  On another occasion he took the little white speaker in my office that we’d listen to Charlie on and he crushed it in his hands saying ‘That’s what the Man has done to my people.’  So I had to let him go.

After Brown was let go Bosley hired a native American named Chief Wild Eagle from the Hekawi tribe.

I never heard of the Hekawi tribe but he seemed like a pleasant enough fellow.  I had to let him go because he kept insisting on a 50/50 split on the Agency’s profits.  He said he had the same deal at his last job with O’Rourke Enterprises.

Burned by these bad experiences, The Charles Townsend Agency has decided to settle with the Feds.  In return for keeping its roster of attractive young detectives the Agency will have to pay a $100,000 fine.  Also, the woman detectives, when confronting criminals will have to apologize for their breasts and remind the suspects that diversity is what makes America great.

“It’s not a great deal” said Bosley “But it’s the best we can get.  I just hope they will leave us alone now so we can continue fighting crime.”

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