My Exclusive Interview with Santa Claus

Santa agrees:  It’s all about product placementRecently I had the opportunity to sit down with Mr. Chris Kringle, aka, Santa Claus.  I was thankful for the opportunity to interview this beloved character during the height of his busy season.

MI:  Let me start off by thanking you for allowing me to interview you.  Do you prefer to be called Santa or Chris  Kringle?

Santa:  They’re both just show biz names I use.  My real name is Jake O’Hara. So all my friends call me Jake.  It’s like Ringo – I bet his friends probably call him Ritchie.

MI:  Christmas is just around the corner.  You must be pretty busy.

Santa:  Actually not as much as I used to be.  Everything is computerized now.  It makes life so much easier.  I have databases of all the children and I can check school records and police reports online to see if they’ve been good.

MI: What’s the percentage of kids, on average, that are good.

Santa:  It’s usually about 65- 70%.  Except for New Jersey of course.  Only 25% of the kids in that state are good.  I blame the Sopranos.

MI:  What do you like best about your job?

Santa:  Honestly?  It has to be the MILFs.  I meet a lot of MILFs on Christmas eve. I mean a lot.  I probably get more action that night than Derek Jeter gets all year.

MI:  Doesn’t Mrs. Claus object?

Santa:  Look.  Mrs. Claus.  God bless her.  A wonderful woman.  A provider.  A soul mate.  But we have an agreement.  What happens on Christmas stays on Christmas.

MI:  What are some of the most unusual things that have happened to you on Christmas eve?

Santa:  The North Koreans try to shoot me down once.  That kind of pissed me off.  So now every year I fly right up to the edge of their air space and the reindeer take turns flashing their junk to the fighter jets.  Eat reindeer junk commies!

MI:  Your mission statement is to give toys to gentile boys and girls.  Have you ever tried expanding?

Santa:  Sure. Sure.  Well, the Jews have Hanukkah Harry so one year I tried bringing toys to Muslim boys and girls.  Big mistake.  The first house I went to turned out to be a suicide bomber.  Blew Rudolph’s red nose right off.  So screw the Muslims.  Never again.

MIYou have a product placement deal with Coke.  Tell me about that.

Santa:  Coke has been very good to me.  They offset a lot of my costs.  All I have to do in return is have myself photographed drinking coke and leave coke for the kids.

MI:  This year there is controversy about the Coke.

Santa:  Yeah, the food police have their panties in a bunch.   Michelle Obama and Mayor Bloomberg want me to leave green tea or orange juice.  I would if they paid me.

MI: What will you do?

Santa:  I’ll probably leave cigarettes for both of them.  Maybe cigarettes and bacon.

MI:  You seem happy.

Santa:  I am.  What’s not to like about my life.  I work one day a year, travel around the world and –


Santa:  Oh yeah.  MILF City baby.  When I come down that chimney you bet I’ll have a stocking stuffer for you honey.

MI:  I thank you for your time.

Santa:  Oh, I almost forgot – do you still want that inflatable doll? The one with the wide open mouth and lifelike sucking action?

MI:  Um, we’ll talk about that later.

Again, I thank Santa for his time and wish all my readers a Merry Christmas this year.


11 Responses

  1. Karen Howes says:

    At least now I know what I should be leaving for him!

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    KH: It’s all about keeping The Man happy.

  3. “It’s usually about 65- 70%. Except for New Jersey of course. Only 25% of the kids in that state are good.”


  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: Have I ever steered my readers wrong? I diligently fact check all the facts I make up.

  5. innominatus says:

    Tobacco, bacon, Coke. Three of the four food groups covered right there.

  6. The Jungers says:

    The fourth is Cocaine right?

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: Santa is a very smart man.

    TJ: Santa had to give up the coke on doctor’s orders.

  8. Matt says:

    Hell, I’d like to get tobacco and bacon. Add some coffee, and I’d count it as a good year!

  9. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: That all depends. Have you been naughty or nice this year. Remember, even if you lie Santa knows. He always knows. He knows whey you are sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.

  10. MK says:

    “So now every year I fly right up to the edge of their air space and the reindeer take turns flashing their junk to the fighter jets.”

    What jets, you mean they’ve managed to attached small, inefficient fire-crackers to pigeon wings, the pigeons they haven’t eaten that is.

    “So screw the Muslims. Never again.”

    I’ll second that, we give those savages plenty every year anyway.

  11. Manhattan Infidel says:

    MK; pigeons and grass. The perfect proletarian diet for the North Koreans.

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