Recently I had the opportunity to sit down with Mr. Chris Kringle, aka, Santa Claus.  I was thankful for the opportunity to interview this beloved character during the height of his busy season.

MI:  Let me start off by thanking you for allowing me to interview you.  Do you prefer to be called Santa or Chris  Kringle?

Santa:  They’re both just show biz names I use.  My real name is Jake O’Hara. So all my friends call me Jake.  It’s like Ringo – I bet his friends probably call him Ritchie.

MI:  Christmas is just around the corner.  You must be pretty busy.

Santa:  Actually not as much as I used to be.  Everything is computerized now.  It makes life so much easier.  I have databases of all the children and I can check school records and police reports online to see if they’ve been good.

MI: What’s the percentage of kids, on average, that are good.

Santa:  It’s usually about 65- 70%.  Except for New Jersey of course.  Only 25% of the kids in that state are good.  I blame the Sopranos.

MI:  What do you like best about your job?

Santa:  Honestly?  It has to be the MILFs.  I meet a lot of MILFs on Christmas eve. I mean a lot.  I probably get more action that night than Derek Jeter gets all year.

MI:  Doesn’t Mrs. Claus object?

Santa:  Look.  Mrs. Claus.  God bless her.  A wonderful woman.  A provider.  A soul mate.  But we have an agreement.  What happens on Christmas stays on Christmas.

MI:  What are some of the most unusual things that have happened to you on Christmas eve?

Santa:  The North Koreans try to shoot me down once.  That kind of pissed me off.  So now every year I fly right up to the edge of their air space and the reindeer take turns flashing their junk to the fighter jets.  Eat reindeer junk commies!

MI:  Your mission statement is to give toys to gentile boys and girls.  Have you ever tried expanding?

Santa:  Sure. Sure.  Well, the Jews have Hanukkah Harry so one year I tried bringing toys to Muslim boys and girls.  Big mistake.  The first house I went to turned out to be a suicide bomber.  Blew Rudolph’s red nose right off.  So screw the Muslims.  Never again.

MI:  You have a product placement deal with Coke.  Tell me about that.

Santa:  Coke has been very good to me.  They offset a lot of my costs.  All I have to do in return is have myself photographed drinking coke and leave coke for the kids.

MI:  This year there is controversy about the Coke.

Santa:  Yeah, the food police have their panties in a bunch.   Michelle Obama and Mayor Bloomberg want me to leave green tea or orange juice.  I would if they paid me.

MI: What will you do?

Santa:  I’ll probably leave cigarettes for both of them.  Maybe cigarettes and bacon.

MI:  You seem happy.

Santa:  I am.  What’s not to like about my life.  I work one day a year, travel around the world and –

MI: MILFs?

Santa:  Oh yeah.  MILF City baby.  When I come down that chimney you bet I’ll have a stocking stuffer for you honey.

MI:  I thank you for your time.

Santa:  Oh, I almost forgot – do you still want that inflatable doll? The one with the wide open mouth and lifelike sucking action?

MI:  Um, we’ll talk about that later.

Again, I thank Santa for his time and wish all my readers a Merry Christmas this year.

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