Using my crack induced investigative skills I was able to gain access to a secret I made it up document that details a new 12 step program Democrats around the country will be using to recover from their defeat in the debt ceiling dog and pony show negotiations.

Step 1:

We Democrats admit we are powerless over spending.  We cannot increase it due to the intransigence and terroristic hostage-taking of those evil tea-bagging Republicans.  Our desire to increase taxes and entitlement spending is beyond our control, at least until the 2012 elections when we regain a majority of both houses.

Step 2:

We believe that a power greater than ourselves, mainly our beloved President Obama, can restore us to pre-Reagan tax levels.

Step 3:

We have made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of President Obama, as we understand him.

Step 4:

We will make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and then figure out how to blame the Tea Party.

Step 5:

Admit to President Obama, to ourselves, and to MSNBC or CNN but definitely not FOX which after all is not a real news organization that we have failed Obama. We will detail the exact nature of our wrongs and how we capitulated to  extremist Republicans who want to “reduce spending” which as we all know are code words to cover their racism.

Step 6:

We are ready to have President Obama, in all his glory, remove these defects from our character.  Or, failing that we give ourselves over to Obama and give him full authority to demagogue our opponents.

Step 7:

We will humbly ask President Obama to bless us and remove our shortcomings.  Or, failing that, play a few holes of golf with him.

Step 8:

Make a list of all people whose taxes we would like to raise, and become willing to make Ad hominem attacks upon them.

Step 9:

Make direct amends to people I have injured because I have not spent more of their money, except when they are the evil rich.

Step 10:

Continue to take personal inventory of other people’s possessions to see if they are hording soon to be outlawed light bulbs because we know they are bad for the environment.  If necessary I will hop on my private jet to confront these people who don’t care about our planet.

Step 11:

Seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with Obama, as we understand him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out.  Or, we could have the EPA declare martial law because we know people are setting their thermostats too damn high.

Step 12:

Having had a spiritual awakening to the dangers that a balanced budget causes, we will carry the message of deficit spending to our constituents and practice these principles in all our affairs.  But we don’t mean affairs literally unless you count sending someone a picture of your penis as an affair.  Which we don’t.

And there you have it readers.  By publishing this secret made up document I fully expect to be arrested and made a martyr to free speech.  As I write this I can hear the police attempting to break down my door.

I really should put my pants on and take my medication.  I like Miley Cyrus.  She’s wholesome.

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Note:  Between the time of the writing of this post and the publishing thereof, a compromise plan may have been found that will increase the debt ceiling while significantly reducing spending.  But, since I plan to spend most of my time between now and then drunk and will wake up Tuesday morning in an alleyway, naked except for one sock, a chihuahua licking my testicles and the word “whore” written in lipstick on my forehead I probably will be in no shape to rewrite this post.  So here it goes.

• The average American will have nothing to fear from a potential default.  Unless, of course your entire life’s saving is tied up in worthless U.S. paper money.   But I am confident that my readers wouldn’t be that stupid.  We’ve all converted our 401Ks and IRAs to gold?  Right?  If you have then carry on with your life as normal.  If however you are still being paid in our worthless fiat currency, then read on.
• Join a street gang.  This will come in very handy.  There is protection in numbers and with the power grid now shut off your gang can roam the streets attacking other gangs and stealing their fuel.  Your new street gang will need a tough, macho name that will intimidate, such as “Hell’s Assassins” “The Disembowelers”  and “The Warren Buffetts.”  My gang will be called “The Alan Aldas.” We will rule the street through fear, assassination and our sensitivity to a woman’s feelings but mostly through our sensitivity to a woman’s feelings.
• Zombies can be useful allies.  With the power grid shut down, food scarce and/or rotten you may notice an upsurge in the zombie population. Do not be alarmed!  Zombies have street cred and can be useful working security for you. By offering them raw meat (perhaps puppies, babies or a captured rival gang member) you will win their loyalty.
• Befriend botanists and the Chinese but mostly the Chinese.  With our cities in flames you will need to retreat to the countryside. Find a botanist, enslave him and have him rummage for nonpoisonous plants to eat.  Once you know which plants are safe you can kill the botanist.  Unless your botanist is Chinese.  In the new post default world order the Chinese will decide who lives and who dies.  So be nice to them.  But don’t let them see you naked because once they realize their penises are small they will be pissed.
• Pigs pigs pigs! They are loyal pets and in a pinch can substitute for a wife. They also can be used to strap small IEDs to their bodies.  Chances are a rival gang will want a pet pig as well.  Let the now-armed pig enter their compound and, once inside, detonate it.  Besides killing your enemies this will provide bacon strips. Lots of bacon strips. The world may have gone to hell but that’s no reason not to enjoy delicious bacon!
• Direct TV.  Our cities have burned to the ground, our financial system has collapsed, food is scarce, zombies may be your allies but you don’t want to miss a chance to see the lovely Erica Cerra starring  in Eureka on the Syfy channel.

And there you have it readers.  Follow my advice and you will have nothing to fear.  Except from my gang The Alan Aldas.  We kick ass.  And we’re sensitive.  Very sensitive.  We are a new breed of sensitive ass kickers.  So beware.

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Dateline March 22, 1765.  Ye Olde New York Times

The passage of the Stamp Act by our most glorious and liberal Parliament in London has embroiled these colonies in controversy.  And, in the opinion of Ye Olde New York Times, a needless, unnecessary and manufactured controversy engineered by conservative, selfish businessmen who, in contravention of all good, do not wish to see their taxes raised.

Since Britain’s victory in the late war over France, a Catholic kingdom we remind our readers, our enlightened, Protestant and liberal King George has kept troops stationed here in the colonies for our own protection and security.  Garrisoning troops in these colonies is not cheap and is estimated to cost the Crown £225,000 per year.  In addition prosecuting the war has raised the debt to £156,000,000.

Yet, despite these facts, a class of extremist conservatives object to raising revenue or increasing our debt ceiling.

We here at Ye Olde New York Times find opposition to this necessary revenue enhancement Act unconscionable.

We once again remind our readers of the many benefits of protection by the state.  Our leaders after all, being more knowledgeable than the average person have the awful responsibility of doing what’s in our best interest, whether we agree with them or not.

We also wish to remind our readers of the many benefits of increased taxation.  Increased revenues provide for the accouterments of the modern nation state.  Increased revenues provide for the bond of Christian charity as the extra income can be used towards much needed entitlement programs.

We also ask our readers to take a good look at the so-called opposition, which is nothing more than a band of small, angry conservative extremists.  Selfish men.  Businessmen like Samuel Adams of Massachusetts.  Why Mr. Adams what do you plan to do with your extra income?  At some point Mr. Adams you must ask yourself if you have made enough money.  It is time for Mr. Adams and his ilk to give back to the state what rightfully belongs to it: Namely their extra income.

We here at Ye Olde New York Times are confident that our readers agree with us and that they represent the solid, liberal, loyal majority.

The Editorial Board of Ye Old New York Times

Subscribe Ye now and get 20 articles a month for free!

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