Using my crack induced investigative skills I was able to gain access to a secret I made it up document that details a new 12 step program Democrats around the country will be using to recover from their defeat in the debt ceiling dog and pony show negotiations.

Step 1:

We Democrats admit we are powerless over spending.  We cannot increase it due to the intransigence and terroristic hostage-taking of those evil tea-bagging Republicans.  Our desire to increase taxes and entitlement spending is beyond our control, at least until the 2012 elections when we regain a majority of both houses.

Step 2:

We believe that a power greater than ourselves, mainly our beloved President Obama, can restore us to pre-Reagan tax levels.

Step 3:

We have made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of President Obama, as we understand him.

Step 4:

We will make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and then figure out how to blame the Tea Party.

Step 5:

Admit to President Obama, to ourselves, and to MSNBC or CNN but definitely not FOX which after all is not a real news organization that we have failed Obama. We will detail the exact nature of our wrongs and how we capitulated to  extremist Republicans who want to “reduce spending” which as we all know are code words to cover their racism.

Step 6:

We are ready to have President Obama, in all his glory, remove these defects from our character.  Or, failing that we give ourselves over to Obama and give him full authority to demagogue our opponents.

Step 7:

We will humbly ask President Obama to bless us and remove our shortcomings.  Or, failing that, play a few holes of golf with him.

Step 8:

Make a list of all people whose taxes we would like to raise, and become willing to make Ad hominem attacks upon them.

Step 9:

Make direct amends to people I have injured because I have not spent more of their money, except when they are the evil rich.

Step 10:

Continue to take personal inventory of other people’s possessions to see if they are hording soon to be outlawed light bulbs because we know they are bad for the environment.  If necessary I will hop on my private jet to confront these people who don’t care about our planet.

Step 11:

Seek through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with Obama, as we understand him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out.  Or, we could have the EPA declare martial law because we know people are setting their thermostats too damn high.

Step 12:

Having had a spiritual awakening to the dangers that a balanced budget causes, we will carry the message of deficit spending to our constituents and practice these principles in all our affairs.  But we don’t mean affairs literally unless you count sending someone a picture of your penis as an affair.  Which we don’t.

And there you have it readers.  By publishing this secret made up document I fully expect to be arrested and made a martyr to free speech.  As I write this I can hear the police attempting to break down my door.

I really should put my pants on and take my medication.  I like Miley Cyrus.  She’s wholesome.

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